Summer

Lime

The  following days were dark, everything felt like the curtains had closed just as they started to open again. I was sitting in this place of solace all by myself. Walking around like a shell, something empty and hollow. I pushed everyone out as the fear of what my father would do washed over me. I wasn't honest, l lied to the people who wanted to see me fall. He was playing me like I was a game and he owned every piece on the board. It was why I was being as careful as I could be.

Why she watched me, the room silent once again and her voice was a comforting whisper of warmer days. Her eyes gleamed with the promise of someone to talk to. Someone safe that wouldn't use my words against me. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to know what it was like outside of my walls, to break free of these chains that held me down, forever sitting with my head held down.

But it was so much risk. So much was at stake, everyone watched to see me shatter. Was she one of those people? I could never know. And I didn't want to, to trust someone who thought she could help me. Everyone who thought they could help were the ones who hurt you the most.

"Summer. I know you don't want to talk, but maybe we could start small?" Miss Young smiled, the light glinting off her glasses and my reflection in the glare. I could see myself and I didn't like it. My skin was blotchy, red and raw as if I was on the edge. My eyes were guarded and slanted with the promise of hiding inside my cage. "Tell me about something that makes you happy."

Sunshine, the air of freedom and nothing behind you, I wanted to say. But I didn't. I just blinked at her. "I can tell you what makes me happy first." Young reached into the bag next to her feet, digging for something that made her eyes glow. What she pulled out was a small picture and yet it made her smile grow. She showed me, a little girl with big blue eyes and a toothy smile. "My daughter, my whole world. Her name is Gabby and she makes me happy. Now tell me what makes you happy."

She went to pull the picture away, but I grabbed it and looked it over. I stared at it until my eyes were blurry and I had to blink. "How do you know she makes you happy?" I finally asked after another long silence.

Young tried not to look surprised, but she couldn't wipe the feeling off her face fast enough. "Because she's my daughter, and a part of me. I couldn't not love her." I wanted to ask so much more, to understand the connection that she had with her daughter Gabby. But I didn't. "Summer why do you ask? You've never talk about your mom, tell me something about her." That was the last thing I wanted.

But she was watching me, and the words were slipping, spilling before I could stop them. "And what would that solve?" Again she was taken back by my choice of words. "Talking about the person who was supposed to love me, who was supposed to bond with me? It would solve nothing. She left, without a word a few years ago. No calls. No emails or postcards."

And I kept falling, spiraling into the words she wanted to hear. "It wasn't like I cared, she never wanted me anyways." It was never said, but it was always the truth. It was in the way she looked at me that I always knew.

"Summer you can't possibly know that, maybe she just didn't understand you." Young tried to reason, and I knew she was trying but she didn't understand.

"She didn't want to. You think I have one good memory of her? You think I didn't admire her from afar, this beautiful cold woman who I wanted more than anything. I wanted her so bad, I did everything, tried everything!" Feelings of anger, desperation, things I didn't even know I felt were coming out. "But nothing worked. I could only watched her glimmer and shine in a spotlight without me, this woman who looked exactly like me and yet wanted nothing to do with me."

Young looked like she wanted to hug me, and if she did I would leave, her comfort wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to express something I had held down for what seemed like forever. My mother taking me home pretending I didn't exist as I roamed dark, empty halls for years and years. "One night she told me to get dressed, that we were going somewhere. I was so excited I dressed in my fanciest clothes. And I followed after her, sitting in the front as anticipation ran through me. She drove without glancing at me but I remember watching her, her green eyes focused on the road and it was then I wondered who she really was." I stopped and Young looked at me as I took another breath, preparing myself for what I had always pushed away.