Summer

Leverage

Leave or die bitch, your choice

The note was simple enough, and straight to the point. But it was the words themselves that haunted me for days after I read them. At first it was just as simple as brushing it away like it never happened, finding it in my locker one morning and shoving it in my bag like it was nothing. And for it while it seemed like it was. But then at night, when everything was quiet and still, those words would run over and over again in my mind. And it wasn't so much as what they meant. It was that someone could hate me, so much to want to kill me. I was sure if it was true or not. I mean I knew people hated me but I just didn't know it could be that much. It wasn't something I wanted to think about. So I just ignored it, pushing down that knot in my stomach that stayed with me all day.

And during the day it was easy to focus on other things, especially when I had so many other problems. Sure I had to deal with school and people who laughed at me as I walked down the hallway. I had to deal with my father, and seeing Ace who refused to acknowledge that I was alive. With Brent who tried to act as if we were still best friends like nothing ever happened. And the cheer squad, training and getting the girls ready for games I didn't want to go to. It was hard enough to do before but now there was Laura. Perfect, sweet, adorable Laura that everyone loved. Especially Brent who decided to parade her around school and pick her up from every pratice.

It didn't bother me, what did bother me was how guilty I felt about the way I treated her. And she was so nice because she never once showed what I did bothered her. It was more then I could ever do for myself. I couldn't even stand up and tell me people to leave me alone. I just let everything happen to me.

Like the whispers and lies that were starting to go around the school again. I couldn't understand how people could be so heartless, so cruel and then I'd look at myself in the mirror wondering the same thing. I never meant to be this person. I wanted more than anything to break this mold, to become the person I had been when I left this place. Or at least some version of her. I just wanted to be someone I could stand, someone I didn't hate. To be someone more like Laura.

Or to be someone who could apologize to her, and not hurt other people in the process. But instead I push people away and hurt them just as much I hurt. It's not something I mean to do, but what I learned growing up. I learned to keep people out and live for myself because it's what I had to do to survive. It hasn't helped me much, but I've gotten by this far. And I guess that's better than nothing.

I started to get busy, pushing that note to the back of mind. School started to get hectic because it was senior year and all of us were preparing for our future. Well everyone except me because I had no plan, at least according to everyone else around me. But what they didn't know was that I did have a plan. I planned to graduate and then move far, far away from here. Maybe I'd live in the country by myself or the city and never talk to anyone ever again. Either way I couldn't wait to get as far away from here as I could, and to just break free from everything I never wanted to be.

Then there was outside of school, where my Father demanded my attention more than ever because of the wedding. And because of Eleanor who he kept trying to push on me. I wasn't sure why he wanted us to bond, after all he barely remembered I was alive before this year. But I think it's because he wants to show her how close we are. Which is not all, and nothing I can do or say can ever change that. What I want to tell him is that I've always wanted his love but not like this. Not when everything feels so forced and empty, all it does it make me want to cry at the mere sight of him.

But I don't say anything. Instead I go on without a word and do whatever he wants, no matter how much it costs me. No matter if it costs me the one thing I've always wanted. Freedom. Because what I've always, always wanted more than anything is to make him happy. To finally have that moment when he'll hold me in his arms and tell me he always loved me, he just didn't know how. Sometimes I dream of it. The feeling of relief I'll get hearing him say those words. I wonder if it's worth it, letting myself dream of something that doesn't seem possible. But I know I could never stop myself even if I wanted to.