Summer

Lily

I knew what I wanted was to stay with him forever.

But more than that, I wanted to know what he thought of me, what he thought of us right here and now. It was hard to think about what came next and where we'd be after everything. Would I be able to give this up? I didn't know if I could. And what I hoped would happen could never, ever happen and so I tried to push it out of my head, squeezing my watering eyes shut as I held him tighter.

All my life I wondered what love was, if I deserved it. How could it ever possibly happen to me? So I kept swallowing myself whole, accepting I was what I was and giving up on anything but feeling empty. People assumed I was their beautiful doll and I learned to destroy that image by being a ice cold bitch who'd rather be alone. Until I met Ace.

Everything kind of shifted, but it was only after I realized I loved him. I found myself craving someone for the first time in my life. And I got all fucked up my head to get as close to him as I could. I did whatever I could, and in the end it wasn't enough. I didn't think it would ever be enough. Even after what we had shared, even as close as I felt to him now, he still kept himself as far as he could.

I wondered if we weren't pushed into this situation, if we weren't pulled back together, would I ever have seen him again? I wasn't sure. It wasn't something I liked to think about. The possibility of not loving him in this moment, of giving up what we were doing now hurt too much to think about.

The back of his neck looked so soft, so inviting that I just had to lean up and press a small kiss there. His whole body shuddered under my lips before I pulled away and rested my head on his back with a little smile. I didn't know what made me do it, but I think my heart just needed to reach out to him. I hated that he left me again but once I knew why, I couldn't help but forgive him. And that made me a fucking idiot.

I knew that things were complicated, that I'd probably never get what I wanted from him. And this trying to get closer was probably a waste of time. I didn't want to think about what could happen, how fucked up I was being, as I watched his fingers twitch over the bike handles. All I wanted to think about was how much I wanted him. How much I wanted him to want me, even if it was all for nothing.

Even if everything amounted to nothing and I ended up alone again, I didn't want to forget what we had. I never wanted to forget how much I needed him in this moment.

We were driving for a while, I grew bored and traced my fingers over the skin on his back. Being near him made me feel more relaxed than I had felt in days and almost like I could fall asleep. Like the world could easily breeze around me and whisper how perfect this all was. That was until the whispers started to grow louder and louder, telling me things I didn't want to hear, screeching until I had to cover my ears.

They kept pounding, crying for me to listen and all I could do was shake my head. I wanted to yell stop but I felt like I was underwater trying to speak. My whole body was convulsing as if someone was squeezing the life out of me. There were no words and as I uncovered my ears, all I could see was blood. My hands were dripping, covered in blood, everything around me kept shaking and I didn't want to look up, but there was something compelling me to and so slowly I lifted my head.

There she was, her eyes were sharp and angry as she opened her mouth to speak. I wanted to look away. This was too much. I couldn't stop shaking as tears welled in her eyes and dripped all around us. I didn't want this, I knew I wanted to say but no sound came out. My eyes started dripping like hers but as I went to wipe them, I realized it wasn't tears. It was more blood, swallowing me. So much that I felt myself drowning in it and all I wanted to do was give it back to her.

I tried to reach for her, to hold her again. It was all I had ever wanted. To keep her safe, happy but I never could. And that's why I saw her body shrivel as I tried to comfort her. And the pieces left of her started to split in tiny fragments until she was empty, watching me with souless eyes.