Summer

Loyal

Have you ever fought so hard, clawing to the top as you screamed and cried an endless amount of tears, thinking that what you worked so, so hard for was finally, finally yours. What was about to happen was going to be worth the pain and scars you wore proudly. You could finally be happy. Be free of the weight you carried, it was all just right there. All you had to do was wait.

But what if it didn't happen? All that work, those tears and scars you were given were for nothing. Now it was bleak, suddenly the image you had in your mind was blurred and this weight on your chest, this pain ripping your insides apart was all you feel. Instead someone else was taking was supposed to be yours, and all you had given was now a lump in your throat that wouldn't go away.

Could you give anymore, did you have anymore left to give after all that? Everything was spinning all around you and there seemed to be nowhere to go after this. The waiting had killed you a little more inside everyday, but it was okay because you had something to look towards. You could do this, the time for sitting and waiting was about to be over.

That was a lie, I could feel them moving past me as I stopped myself from reaching for what I really wanted. Pieces of me falling to the floor as I felt myself accept what could never happen. It was never meant to be. I was never meant to be more than I was, a lying slut who thought she could have more. 

Hours, maybe even days passed me by and all I could do was accept the heavy, settling feeling that was sending me spiraling. I didn't know if I'd ever leave this place. I didn't know if I wanted to. I knew that this place was where people went to die, and all the girls who had come here never left. And I was accepting that I was going to become one of those girls. I couldn't seem to find the strength to move.

I wanted to know why I needed to fight when I felt so lost, that I couldn't see anything beyond this. Nothing beyond this dark, damp shed and the girl hunching in the corner sharpening her knife. 

Laura was always glaring at me, those hateful eyes burning deep into my soul. Who was this girl? Where did she even come from, I had to wonder. I couldn't even find the energy to remember. All I could think was she was always there. She was always there. Watching us, planning her next move. Planning when to attack. And we all had no idea, thinking she was such a sweet girl who wanted to be loved by everyone. I couldn't believe I had trusted her.

"You're pathetic." Laura spat across the room, my eyes glanced over to her tearing papers off the walls angrily. Ripping and tearing through all those empty, sad girls who never had a chance. Just like me. "I hate you." She threw shredded paper my way, and laughed manically as I grimaced. "After all that attitude, looking like the top bitch and all you do is lay there. No fight. No words." Laura stopped what she was doing, and pieces of paper fluttered to the floor behind her as she came over to where I was. And then unexpectedly she kicked me. Hard. I winced. "Just like a fucking dog." She kicked me again. But I still didn't say anything. I couldn't.

It was like I couldn't feel anything, everything I wanted had washed away and now I felt so low, like I was someplace where nothing could touch me. Just pointless thinking about how much I wanted this to be over. I wanted everything to be over.  Everything felt so cold, the floor kept rubbing raw against my skin with every kick she gave me, and it should have made reminded me to fight, to not give up. But all it did was give me another reason to fall away. What was the point of fighting? Of even trying to say anything to her?

There was no point.

She scrunched her face in disgust and went over to sit on the floor beside me, petting me softly like I was a dog. But I could barely feel it as she continued talking. "I suppose you're wondering why I'm going to kill you." I wasn't. I wasn't wondering anything. I just wanted to close my eyes and forget about everything. "I wasn't lying when I said I had a twin sister. Her name was Lena." Laura ran her fingers over me, almost as if she was soothing me. But even in my worst thoughts, I knew better. "I had a twin, and she was beautiful. More beautiful than I ever was. And she was everything to me."