My Thoughts

So this is back

Well..... it's been a while.

Life has been so crazy. I'm so sick of feeling shitty. I wanna feel great and happy and not have this knot in my stomach all the time, but I can't. I can't stop thinking what if I made a mistake? What if everything is gonna fall apart? What if this isn't the right path for me? What am I supposed to do?

You know that perfect beginning of a relationship? That part where you do nothing except be with each other, laugh, hang out, never fight?
We missed that.
You drive me so fucking crazy. In both ways.

There's the crazy where you don't even feel like yourself. You're on cloud nine, smiling all the time, smiling and doing whatever the hell you want.
And then there's the bad crazy. The paranoia, fighting, confusion. Wondering what they're doing and where they are. I hate that crazy. That crazy makes me feel like a terrible person.

Sometimes, when we're together, you make me so unbelievably happy. I can't do anything except think about you and when we aren't, I wish I was with you. The good crazy. It makes me think of you and wish we were old and be together.

But then there's the bad crazy. The pit in my stomach, the doubt I have in myself and in you. The feeling of being played by you. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and die.

Everything that happened in the last few weeks... I can't even explain it. The connection we have is insane, but I can't ignore the fact that your bipolar shit is so fucking stupid.

Even just tonight, I was having an amazing night, and you ruined it. With one fucking sentence.

I want to quit caring. I want to look at you and feel nothing, but that's not how feelings work. You can't just turn it off, I'm stuck. And I hate it.
You have all the god damn power and I'm stuck.
I'm stuck with you. Stupid, stupid you.

Why?