My Thoughts

Wrong

This is long so if you don't want to read it, I understand.
There's a lot wrong with me.
It's not on the outside- hell, on the outside apparently a lot of people think I'm great. They think I'm pretty, smart, happy.
I don't think any of that's true.
There's a lot wrong about me that I can't just outright say.
I hate myself- my face, my voice, my arms, my stomach, my feet, my shoulders.
My fashion taste- it's always too boring or too much or too flashy or too childish. I never love anything.
I hate my favorite things- they're not your usual regular things. They aren't pie or navy blue or chicken tenders.
I hate my mom- that's something I truly truly hate. I could talk about it for a very long time.
My mom and I- we butt heads so freaking much. We never seem to see eye to eye and I'm not sure if I can actually change it. She has these little triggers for me that make me want to scream when she does them and she seems to do them all the time. She forces me to do things I seriously hate doing and gets mad irrationally and she fights and she leaves and it kills me that everything she does hurts me. I wish I didn't feel the way I do about my mother because- well, she's my mother. But that's that. There's nothing I can do about it.
I hate my feelings- I hate how my brain works. I hate that it takes me forever to get over little things and things that meant a lot to me in the past mean pretty much nothing to me now. I hate that stuff that used to get me excited seems like work to me now. I hate that i don't trust anyone close to me anymore and I'm trying to push everyone away. I hate that I'm aware of it but I can't stop.
I hate my past- I used to say that it was a part of who I am and I can't change it so why hate it but.... I hate it so much. I hate that I give myself to people who didn't deserve it. I hate that I gave second chances so many times. I hate that I hurt people because I couldn't make up my mind and that I didn't pay attention when I needed to. I hate that I didn't realize how much Stephen needed help.
I hate my heart- I hate my heart so much. I hate the people it leads me to and the people it leads me away from. I hate that anyone who could possibly be good for me, I don't feel anything for. I hate that my heart tricks me into thinking I like someone and then right when I've dug a hole, it pulls out. I hate that the people who've hurt me most are the people who had the biggest hold on me. I hate that my heart hates me.
I hate who I am- just everything. From looks to emotions to actions to anything else ever. It's hard realizing you want to be anyone except yourself but once you do, it screams in your head until you can't take it anymore and then you breakdown and you cry and you hurt until it's gone again and the cycle repeats.
I hate that I hate me- a thousand people could come up to me and tell me I'm perfect and I don't need to change but in my head, I'm wishing I was a completely different person.
I wish I could become a completely different person. I wish I could de-me... me and become a newer me. I wish I could change everything.
It's hard realizing that you hate seeing the person you see in the mirror. It's hard realizing that someone isn't the person you wanna be.
And I hate that I can't change who I am.