My Thoughts

In a perfect world.

When I walk into the building, I feel like the most confident person in the world. I feel beautiful, radiant. I feel like the only woman in the room. I feel as though every eye in the room is turned to me. The attention is intoxicating. I walk with a spring in my step I've never had before, a feeling I'm not used to, and I absolutely love it. A woman walks past me, but she doesn't glare. She smiles and waves. She laughs at my wink and she nods her head.
When I talk to someone, they truly listen. When I talk, everyone actually cares what I say. When I talk, I'm interesting.
I walk through the hall and I'm glowing. I'm smiling. I'm well rested and I'm in a good mood.
I'm not me anymore. I'm someone so much better.
Gone are the insecurities I've always had, the body, the face, the personality I hate is gone. Gone is everything I've ever hated about myself. I'm happy.
But it's not a perfect world.
It's not unicorns and rainbows. No.
It's hating everything about myself. It's arguing and feeling not good enough and fights and breakups and lies and hurt and every other thing that could ever go wrong.
It's hurting, it's pain, it's heartache. It's breakups, it's insecurities.
Being me isnt fun. Being broken to where you can't hold a relationship is awful.
I let go of someone I truly cared about because I realized I'm not ready to move on from my old life. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and the fact is, that's how it's gonna be for a while.
I can't trust and I can't hope and I can't love anymore. I'm broken and I hate it. I hate everything about myself and the fact is that's not gonna change.
I'm a terrible person and I can't change that. No one can change it.
Guess I'm just going to have to live with it.