My Thoughts

It needed to be said.

This is a... very long one. Just read at your own will. This was really hard for me to write because it forced me to look at the mistakes I've made, like really look at them. So I'm sorry in advance for what you're about to read.

It recently came out someone I admire, someone I respect and think about going to for things, said something about me that hit a nerve. To my boyfriend, he said this.
"Does it make you uncomfortable thinking about all the guys she's been with?"
Now, let me establish this.
I know that I have a.... not even close to perfect love life. It's a mess.
I know that people see that side of me and make their judgements, but this guy.
I've never seen myself as.... experienced. I've had a few boyfriends, a couple good choices, a couple bad. But let me lay out what happened.
My first serious boyfriend. A. Freshman year. He was amazing. Treated me well, respected me, just all around wonderful. We faded out as we grew up, no big deal. One year, 2 months.
Month later, Jo, came into my life. Jo at first was sweet, loving, kind, wonderful. He put a show on and I believed it even though everyone warned me.
Long story short, he cheated on me, three times. I let him because I loved him, or I thought I loved him. I later realized after about 2 months, it was a relationship based solely off comfort. I knew what to expect from him and I felt safe and comfortable with my life. He put me through a special kind of hell. 1 year, 3 months. "Slept with."
A short bit later, enter Ja. Now, Ja, he was so different. I can't describe what he was like.
I loved Ja with all of my heart. I trusted him with absolutely everything. He knew parts of me that no one else did, he helped me through so much and I would've gone to the ends of the earth to save him. There's no way to describe it. I believed I would spend the rest of my life with him. Absolutely no one else. There wasn't anyone else in my life. It was solely him and I wanted it that way.

He cheated on me. 6 months. "Slept with."

Obliterated isn't the term for what he did to me. He took every part of my heart and twisted it, stabbed it over and over and over again. He reached into my chest, pulled out all of my organs, and left me to die. Even that doesn't describe exactly how I felt.

I think part of the reason I didn't hold a relationship for the next six months was because of him, because of the trust I gave him. I think part of me unconsciously pumped the brakes on my feelings because the thought of getting that close just to be hurt again in any way, was too much to bear. I couldn't do it again.
The thing with love is it's so fragile, but it's the best thing you will ever achieve. It makes you feel like you're floating on air. But when it's gone, it's gone.
I cried for weeks. I didn't want to breathe at times. It was so awful. But I continued with life.
Soon after we broke up, Co came into play. Co was a rebound, that's it. He wasn't "boyfriend material" I will definitely say that. He was there, he comforted me, and that was what I needed at the time.
1 month.
2 weeks after that, Ch. Ch was amazing to me, he was kind, loving, amazing, his family was great, he was great, but I wasn't. He was one of my best friends that had liked me for a while and I took advantage of that. He was there and I needed someone to help me. I did really like him for a short while, and then my heart pulled back and my feelings just vanished basically overnight. Ch, I'm so sorry for everything I did to you. If I could turn back time, I definitely would and I'd fix everything that went wrong.
1 month. "Slept with."
After that, Isaac. Isaac, you're probably reading this. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for leading you on and then just dropping you. I hope you know I feel so stinking bad about it and I'm so happy for you that you got El and you're happy. I'm so glad I didn't hurt you like I could have. But I'm so sorry for all of it. And I'm so glad we're still as close as we were before all of this.
2 weeks.
After that, L. L was the one that I was head over heels for. It was wonderful for a while. He brought me food and we hung out and it was so much fun for a while. And then... the incident. Me getting grounded, you leaving. It didn't work solely on the fact that everything went wrong and we couldn't handle it. It's okay. Things happen. I just wish we could've gotten more time together so I could've known more of you because you were amazing.
3 weeks. "Slept with."
And we come to a close with N. N is amazing. He is everything I could ask for. Understanding. Amazing. Loving. Kind. Nurturing. Funny. And so. So. So. Much more. N is the person that I want to be with.
We started off because one night we were hanging out just talking. And suddenly we both realized we want the exact same thing in a relationship.
It's only been a few weeks but those few weeks have shown me he is the amazing guy I've been looking for.
Every day before work, I go to his house because he's my safety net. You know what he does? He makes food sometimes, we cuddle and we nap. It never fails. Almost every day after school.
He doesn't make me do anything I don't want to do. I don't feel pressured with him. And when I called him tonight because my mind wouldn't stop thinking about that comment, he made me smile. He made me smile hard. I can't begin to tell you how amazing he makes me feel.
I hope to god he stays. I hope to god he overlooks the mess I am because I am so imperfect.
My imperfections are laid out. Take a nice, long look because this is me.
Now, I want to explain in further detail why I made the choices I did.
It's because I'm so. Godforsaken. Stupid sometimes.
I believe in beautiful things. I believe love is something to hold on to. But I also believe that love can not be rushed.
Now forgive me, but my mind is all over the place so it may not make a lot of sense, but my past doesn't define who I am. Each person I've been with has served a purpose in one way or another.
I'm not sure why I moved so fast in most of them. I don't see myself as a slut but you know what, maybe I am. Maybe I'm a freaking slut. I don't know. But what I do know is I don't regret most of it. I don't regret falling deeply into most of my past. I don't regret loving the people I've fallen in and out of love with. I don't regret living life to the max I can right now. I don't regret my real relationships.
I do regret the little ones, the ones that lasted a short while, the ones that don't matter, but they do. Because they're stuck in my head. Now I know that other people's opinions don't matter, but I know that they're thinking those kinds of things.
It's my fault for telling them about my life. I'm too much of an open book, but the thing is, the more people know about me, the more they understand. The more they get why I am the way I am. I don't know sometimes why I choose to disclose the things I do, but I do know I have very very few secrets to myself that not even my closest friend knows.
I don't think I'll ever disclose some things to people.
I think part of it is me seeking attention.
I feel myself wanting attention and I really. Really hate it.
I hate the fact that I want attention from people. I want people to look at me and think I'm pretty or that I have a really nice body. I really hate that and I always have to correct myself when I think thoughts like that.
"J, stop. That's not healthy."
Yeah I know but it's my thought. It's mine. I can't change who I am.
So why do I hate it so much.
Why do I hate the person I've become?
Why do I want to change most things about who I am?
I want to start brand new with who I am. I want a do over.
I want to say I haven't made mistakes and I haven't loved the wrong people but that's not how it works.
I'm so sorry me. I'm so sorry for screwing up in the past and letting you down. I'm so sorry for putting you through all of it.