My Thoughts

Pain

There's so much pain in everything I do. There's pain in friendship. There's pain in love. There's pain in life. But there's nothing worse than realizing your parents just don't care anymore. 

It's not that they don't love me or that they don't trust me. Oh, no. They don't care about me. The only thing they care about is if I'm off fucking some random guy. My mother went to another state for 6 months and barely contacted me. My father is never home and only texts me to see where I am. I never ever see them. I don't even get how was your days half the time from my mother. All it ever is is "make sure you do this" and "do this favor for me."

I know it sounds like a great life. I know it sounds like I'm able to do whatever I want. But truthfully, I miss my parents. I miss the nagging and the questions that I never want to answer. I am so god damn alone. 

They kept saying "you lost all trust" but truthfully, did I have it? Did I really? I never really felt like I did. I'm just someone who lives in a house you pay for. You don't even really stay here at this point. I felt more like something you could yell at whenever it convenienced you. I feel like a burden more than your child. 

Everything is more important than me these days. I watched all the other family members in band come to random competitions just to watch their child. But me? No, I only got championships. I am grateful for one. Because honestly, I'm surprised you showed up for that. 

My dad cares more about my precious car than if I'm okay. My dad cares more about whether or not he knows where I am than whether or not I'm actually okay and I'm not slowly dying inside. My mom cares more about anything and everything in Oklahoma than anything going on in my life. 

The only true memory I have of my mother is the time she slammed a firepoker through our window and our tv. And now that I think about it, no one actually asked me if I was okay after that. We just kinda went on with our lives. But it kind of really traumatized me. I was 13 when that happened. Fucking 13. And I watched my brother call the cops on my own mother. How am I supposed to get over that?

My parents complain because I never tell them where I am, but do I need to? They tell me I'm extremely independent and compliment that, but then ground me because I lied because I hate the fact that I always have to tell them where I am? Tell me how that makes any god damn sense. 

I just don't understand. They literally just don't care anymore. Tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to function now.