My Thoughts

To my Mother

I thought of another Christmas gift for you, one that you won't even know I gave you. This Christmas, I want to start making an effort to rebuild our relationship.
Now, I'm not saying it's going to be perfect. I'm not saying automatically, I'm going to start being around you all the time and not putting up a fight when I think something's unfair, but I will tell you this.
This Christmas, my biggest gift to you is me trying to be a better daughter to you. I promise to listen more, to treat you with more respect. I promise to take a breath before I get upset at you. I promise to look at it from your point of view. I promise to try to understand.
A few days ago, your second son reminded me that rebuilding a relationship goes both ways. That I have to be willing to put in the work to make it better. So my Christmas gift is this.

I forgive you.
I forgive you for everything you put me through- everything you put us through. I forgive you for the texts, the sobs, the screams and the bad nights. I forgive you for the long nights and the terrifying times and the days where I didn't want to come home because of you.
I forgive you for those years.
And here's the second part.
I'm sorry for not letting you back in sooner. I'm sorry for holding all of that shit over your head. I'm sorry for acting the way I've been acting and keeping secrets from you and the resentment I've felt toward you.
I'm sorry for being a bad daughter.
I promise I'll try to do better.
This Christmas, I'm letting you back in.
I promise to tell you more, to communicate when I want something from you. I promise to tell you I love you more and not be so snarky when you ask me to do things. I promise to spend atleast a little more time with you and not dread it so much when I have to. I promise to be better.
I love you. Merry Christmas, mom.