My Thoughts

The last few weeks

So I haven't posted here in a while because I haven't felt the need to, but a lot has happened and I think it's time.
So a while ago, my house got hit by a tornado. The original damage wasn't awful. It was pretty bad, but it was stuff we could deal with. But now, now it's worse. We started packing everything up and there started to be lots of leaks. No big deal, right?
Wrong.
We left after getting a good bit of stuff out, and when we came back the next day, another ceiling had fallen. It was okay, it didn't affect me that much. It was okay. Here's where it got kinda bad.
So we ended up having to go to school the next day, which in itself really upset me. Driving down the road that got it the worst made my heart ache. There were houses completely gone and trees everywhere. It was awful. People should not worry about being at school when their home was destroyed. And the schools solution? Excused absences. Which dont do shit. They literally aren't any different from regular absences. So instead of helping my family pack up all of our belongings because we had to move everything in case the fucking ceiling collapses, I was at school.
But anyway.
So I sat at school that day. And then I went to therapy (not for that, for something that had happened a week or two before) and after that, I headed back to my real house to get more things for living. Keep in mind at this point, I'm staying at a hotel. I don't know how long I'm there and I don't know where I'm sleeping the next night. All I know is I'm at the hotel tonight.
I go back to the house to find out three more ceilings had fallen. One above the stairs, one above the den area, and one in my brothers closet. Now I don't know why, but this one hurt me so badly. It killed me knowing my house was falling to pieces and it struck me really deep.
But I left. I left my house. And went to a hotel.
And I stayed the night there. And then I stayed the next night. And then I got the text saying we're staying at an apartment in Southaven. 20 minutes from school and 20 from work. I really didn't want to but you know, it's the best we could do at the time. No idea how long we'd be there, but we were. So I packed my stuff up and moved everything there. I took out the box of clothes and put it in the tiny ass closet. I got in my rhythm and adapted to life. Went to school, went to work, came home.
We were in that apartment a week.
Then we moved to an apartment in Collierville. 30 from school and 20 from work. Whatever. I could deal. It wasn't ideal but I sucked it up and went to school. This apartment, I didn't take anything out of my car. I took things that I needed as I needed them cause I didn't know how long we'd be there.
30 days. We were there for 30 days.
And then we moved to hernando, and were still there. And that's fine.

It's really not ideal, I miss my home so much. I miss the short drives and the familiar space. Most nights, before I go to bed, when I'm laying in the dark, I get the feeling I'm back in my room. My real room. The room I had just painted and I had a vision for. I was gonna decorate and cherish the 6 months I had before I go on to college. But life had different plans.

I never admit it. I never tell my parents, but I miss my house so much. I miss everything about it. Everything changed and I'm so tired. I just want to go home.
While dealing with moving, I dealt with so much more.
School work and drama, work, a promotion, friend troubles, my 18th birthday, and now.
Now we're in quarantine cause of this dumb ass corona virus. I'm in online schooling which I have no motivation for and I'm so terrified of my father getting sick because if he does, his immune system is so weak he will die.
I think the isolation is finally getting to me, because all I want to do is cry and it's hard to want to do anything now. I'm so tired.
I really, really want to go home.