My Thoughts

In my head but not in my heart

The fact that you're still in my head... the fact that I still wish I could have those good times back. The fact that every once in a while, I'm wishing your arms were around me instead of me crying on my bed thinking about the past. The fact that missing you is something I do....
I really wish I didn't.
I wish so badly that I didn't have to miss you. Whether that meant never having you, never being hurt by you, or still being with you... whether it meant I never saw your smile or heard your laugh, I wish I didn't miss you.
We fit so well together. We laughed and smiled and loved so well together.
Why'd you have to mess it up?
This isn't a cry out to you. It's not something you can take as me wanting you here. It's not. I can never trust you again. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about how safe I felt with you, how comfortable I was in our relationship. Now I'm restarting and I didn't think I'd have to.
Hopefully I'll forget about you.
Hopefully I won't remember the good times.
For now it hurts, not as much as it used to, but it still does.
For now, I'm still wishing it didn't happen. But soon I won't think about it and I'll remember that you weren't good for me.
———
You destroy me even when I don't see you. You moved on and I can't. I'm stuck here with you in my head. Why the hell do I still miss you. All you do is cause me pain. Whether it's "I really didn't want to see her" or sending me pictures of her, whether it's me passing you driving down the street or seeing your family members, I don't know why I'm killing myself over you.
I don't even know why I'm trying to be okay anymore when I know I'll never be okay again. I can't talk to you. I just can't. It hurts me so much.
Knowing all I wanted to do is see one of my best friends who's been there for me through everything and you weren't okay with it cause I'd be on the same campus as you really fucks with my head. I tried to be friends, but I just can't.
I'm beginning to think you wanted to end us so you could be with her. I'm beginning to think I was nothing.
I don't want to think about you getting close to someone else. I don't want to think that I'm not going to be the person you confide in, that I'm not going to be the one who knows your secret no one else knows. That I'm not going to be the person that listened to you cry about your dog when you thought I was asleep. That I'm not the person that you say I love you to for the first time. That I'm not the person you spend your nights on the phone with. That I'm not going to be the person that you tell about your issues.
I'm not going to be the person to hear about your awful parents and your crazy life and your college fun.
I'm not that person.
I'm never going to be that person.

Please, just delete this app. Delete this so I can know I can post these thoughts and you'll never see them. Delete it so I can vent without anyone ever knowing how truly fucked up I am, especially not you. This is my only outlet. I don't want anyone knowing I'm the stupidest person on the planet.