Many Miles Apart

11. Zoe

Everything had changed. Nothing was the way it was before the meeting, and I wasn't sure that it would ever be unless Alfie turned down the offer, which we both knew wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to let happen.
We spent the rest of the day wandering around a small shopping centre, drifting from craft store to bookshop, then we headed to a small restaurant for dinner. At any other point, that would have been a day to remember for all of the right reasons. It would be the sort of day that would leave me going to bed feeling really happy. But not today. Everything was tainted by the meeting earlier. I felt like everything that I was doing, from taking the occasional photo with viewers to browsing through a homeware shop was all an act. Even talking to Alfie, with a fake smile on my face felt like a lie.
I didn't truly feel like I was being myself until late that night, lying in the hotel bed, Alfie asleep with his arm around my waist, my head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and the rise and fall of his gentle breathing. I stared up at the ceiling, and let the events of today run through my mind. I finally took off the mask of untruths, and stopped pretending. Soon enough, the all too familiar hot tears were running down my face, and I did nothing to stop them, until I finally drifted off to sleep, crying until the moment that I dropped off.

"Morning sleepy head", Alfie cooed, stroking my hair. A genuine happy, smile stretched across my face, shooting me up onto a cloud nine. Everything felt unexplainably right, and I didn't know why. Maybe it was a decent nights sleep. Maybe it was waking up next to Alfie, his gentle voice waking me.
Then the memories of yesterday came flooding back, all in one unexpected blow. I plummeted to the ground, pulled back into reality with a harsh tug. The smile slipped off of my face as quickly as it had arrived.
"Zoee", he said, running his long fingers down my arm.
"Mmm", I groaned, desperate to be sent back to the stress-free land that I had so abruptly awoken from, but the sensation of Alfie next to me was all too real, and my eyes opened and took in the room around me.
I slowly crawled out of the sheets into a sitting position, then planted my bare feet onto the cold wooden floor, and stood up. The second that I was upright, my head began to spin and my vision blurred, causing me to plummet back and land on the duvet. I felt like a foal taking its first steps as I rose again, pain and upset sitting on my chest like a massive weight. All I wanted was to go back to sleep, in the world where all of my troubles were gone and I could be my happy, carefree self again, even if it was all a lie.
Once I'd finally gained my balance, I looked over my shoulder to Alfie, who was watching me intently, silently chuckling at my clumsiness. I just sighed and headed to the bathroom to shower.
The cold water flowed over my skin, giving me goosebumps, but I didn't turn it to hot. I needed to wake up, and the cold water seemed like a good way to try and wash away my problems.
I turned head on to the water, letting the spray splash my face and the shampoo irritate my eyes. I didn't care anymore. Anything to try and be rid of the hurt inside of me.
I rinsed out my hair, turned off the water, stepped out of the shower and wrapped the fluffy towel around my body. I was shivering badly, despite the warmth of the fabric against my cold skin.
Taking a step towards the door, I took a deep breath, and set my face into a smile. I wasn't going to let this ruin my limited time with Alfie.
Once I was in the main room, I headed over to my case, and slipped on a pair of black ripped jeans and a white top with embroidered flowers. I dried my hair and threw it into a bun, making sure to smile at Alfie, who was on his laptop, whenever he looked my way.
Eventually, we packed up out stuff, left the room and headed down to the lobby.
"Your acting strange", Alfie told me instantly. There was no use hiding anything with him. He could read me like a book.
"No I'm not", I rebuked sharply, not thinking. When his face fell, I suddenly felt a wave of guilt. "Sorry, I just want to be strong for you, and I want to have a good day. Jim and Tanya aren't going to want us to visit if we are like this". I didn't even bother to lie to him. There was no point.
"Yeah", he said.
We loaded out bags into the car, and drove back up the long winding drive and away from the secluded hotel, into the sprawling city.
"Let's just forget about it", I piped up after we were on the main road to Jim and Tanya's. "I don't want to waste my time with you thinking about stupid things that we can't change".
"Yeah, I get it, and I'll try too, but this can't just be forgotten about, you don't seem to understand", he replied. His remark seemed to set off the anger that I had been desperately holding back. I couldn't explain why, but his words seemed to flick and switch, and suddenly I was overwhelmed with the urge to scream and yell.
"You think that this is only difficult for you Alfie?", I snapped.
"What?", he replied, confused. I continued talking.
"You think that the fact that you are the one heading off for Florida means that you have it harder? Because don't for one second think that that is the case. You won't be the one left at home whilst you boyfriend is having fun in America. You won't be the one having to get on with your everyday work whilst a massive hole has been ripped out of your life, and be expected to act as if nothing has happened. You won't be the one left to watch as the one you love is off having fun without you!". Everything last bit of emotion flew out of my system, and I felt drained the second I had finished talking. I sounded so selfish, talking about him having fun while I was at home. That wasn't even really how I felt. It just seemed like the only way to logically describe how I felt.
"Seriously? That's the way that you feel? You think that I'm going to be off having a great time whilst your left at home weeping into your pillow?", Alfie questioned, his words equally as bitter as mine had been. "Don't make out that this is going to be any easier for me than it is for you! I'm the one being shipped of to bloody Florida for gods sake!"
Anger bubbled through my veins. My heart started pounding and I suddenly felt so hot and mad I wanted to scream.
"I'm sick of this! I can't believe you Alfie! You honestly don't give a shit about me at the moment do you? You only care about yourself", I shouted, having to slow the car down in fear of crashing it.
"For gods sake Zoe you know that's not what I meant!-"
"Don't bloody speak to me", I fumed, knowing that I was being childish, but not caring.
"Zoe", he whined. I just stayed silent. "Fine, if that's how you want it", Alfie put. I still didn't reply, and we just drove in silence to meet Jim and Tanya.