Many Miles Apart

31. Zoe

I woke up to an uncomfortable ache in my side that felt like someone was jabbing me with a pole. My throat was sore and my stomach was growling. I felt so confused, and I couldn't tell where on earth I was. The feeling of disorientation was so overwhelming, yet there was something about it, something that meant I could forget, even though I wasn't sure exactly what it was I so desperately wanted to get out of my mind.
Slowly opening my eyes, the first thing that I saw was a glass of water sat on the table in front of me. The clear material was rounded, and the water filled the vessel to the brim. Looking into it, everything seemed distorted, and I recognised the shapes that I could see through the liquid, but they weren't right. They weren't how they should be. It seemed like a perfect metaphor for how my life felt at the moment- mine, but yet not mine. The only problem was that I couldn't seem to place why.
The thing in my side moved slightly, pressing harder and sending a jolt of pain through my body. Flinching, I looked over to see Jim and Tanya asleep next to me, Jim upright at the end of the sofa, Tanya's head resting on his shoulder, legs outstretched. It was her foot digging into me, I realised, before moving to a position in which her toes weren't pressing into my abdomen, taking care not to wake them. I hadn't even remembered falling asleep, but apparently we were all so tired we'd slept through the whole night on the sofa.
Then the memories of the last few days came flooding back, the pain, the searing flame that sat in my heart lighting up once more. I felt like chocking at the thoughts, heat rushing to my face as I wished that I could go back to being unaware, as at least that meant that I didn't have to face the truth. Alfie had cheated on me.
I climbed off of the sofa and stumbled into the kitchen, clutching the counter as the monster in my stomach began to growl. I felt so faint, like I might pass out, but I guess that's what you get for not eating for days.
The clock read 10am, and felt so grateful for the rest after so many sleepless nights, but even that couldn't tame the animal inside of me.
The 'one rubbish film' from the day before had escalated into a 'rubbish film afternoon' and then by the time we had finished the forth movie, we just ordered a pizza and watched another. I can't even remember the ending, I must have fallen asleep.
I headed for the bread bin and pulled out the loaf. Quickly, I grabbed two pieces and dropped them in the toaster, pressing down on the plunger.
Within seconds, the beast flared up again. Clearly I hadn't had enough pizza last night.
I popped the toast up despite the fact that they'd only been in for a moment, and grabbing a plate from the cupboard, I threw the warm bread onto the china.
Next I rifled through the fridge until I found some jam, which I quickly spread onto the slices before taking a huge bite out of it.
Within no time both of the slices were gone, but the hunger still remained.
Next I raided the fridge, eating a whole tub of Alfie's pasta, ignoring the ache of thinking about him.
After two more slices of bread and half a packet of biscuits, the desperation for food subsided, and I shut the cupboards and headed upstairs to run a bath. I felt so dirty, and my clothes were wrinkled and felt rough against my skin.

The water was warm and bubbly, and it felt so good to be clean again. I tried to ignore the ache set in my stomach since eating, and enjoyed the feel of the soapy water.
Then Tanya's words came rushing back to me.
"Zoe you have to speak to him. Let him explain"
The pain lit up like a roaring flame, burning my insides and blackening my heart, filling me with fear.
I couldn't speak to him, could I? Doubt formed in my mind like a weight climbing onto my shoulders.
No! My mind shouted, the word echoing through my skull. He had cheating on me. There was no way that it couldn't be true. And even if it was 'an accident', who spends that much time with someone else, doing the things that he appeared to be doing.
I started to thing about all of the other things that he must have done with her. He could have kissed her so many times, taken her on dates, spent the night with her, told her he loved her-
"Stop!", I cried out loud, my head spinning and my heart pounding. The pain was so bad, I felt like I was going to die there and then. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.
"Zoe?!", I heard coming from downstairs. My heart rate slowed a little, and once I'd taken several deep breaths I could start to calm again.
"Zoe are you ok!?", Jim called. From what I could tell he was standing right outside the door.
"Yeah, sorry I'm fine", I said, trying to steady my voice to avoid making them even more worried.
"Okay", he replied, sounding apprehensive. "well I'm going wake Tanya up"
After a moment I heard his footsteps heading back down the stairs, the dull thud of his feet on the carpet. I relaxed slightly, but not much. I still felt wobbly and my chest ached so much.
Deciding that I couldn't spend anymore time sat alone in the water, I quickly washed myself, scrubbing my hair so hard that my skull ached, and got out of the tub. My towel was warm, but it did nothing to ease the coldness in my heart.

"Tanya you make the best omelette", Jim said through a mouthful of food. His plate was nearly empty, compared to mine, which was still had on it most of my breakfast. After the bath, my appetite had completely disappeared, not helped by the amount that I ate earlier.
"Hey Zoe, eat up", Tanya said, rubbing my shoulder. "I'm surprised you're not still starving" I nodded, but continued to push the food around my plate. I couldn't eat, the thought made me feel sick.
The phone rang, it's sharp shrill ring filling the silent house.
I threw the others a look, hoping that they'd catch on that I didn't want to talk to anyone. The fact that I'd even agreed to them seeing me was a push.
"I'll get it", Jim said, taking my hint, hopping out of his chair. I didn't reply, just let him pick it up.
"Hello?", he said once the phone was in his hand and the ringing had stopped.
There was a pause.
"I can take a message", he said, sounding concerned, yet I could hear the slightest hint of anger in his voice.
I waited as he listened to the caller, a growing look of worry forming on his face. I felt sick.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea", he frowned, before waiting for an answer.
"Okay, I'll tell her", he finally said. "Bye"
He placed the phone down and walked slowly back over to the table, taking his seat.
Rain poured against the window, making a loud background noise, filling the silence as Jim prepared himself to speak. The sound was almost therapeutic, yet seemed to reflect how I felt inside.
"Zoe", he said, his voice monotonous. My breath caught short.  "Alfie's coming home"