Many Miles Apart

43. Zoe

I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like the whole world was sat on my shoulders, forcing the air out of my lungs. Instead of my body showing any signs of relief after the blog post, I was filled with a huge, crushing sense that I had done something so, completely wrong.
I climbed out of bed, my head spinning, and headed downstairs, a massive, overwhelming weight pressing on my chest.
Slowly I headed over to my laptop, left on from the night before, and opened up my blog.
The first thing I noticed was the crazy amount of comments on the post. Normally I when I posted, I would get a fairly large amount of feedback, from people saying how much they loved my blog, or that I'd inspired them to do something new. I always loved reading the comments, it made me feel so good about everything. But today was different. Over 5,000 comments made my usual 900 or so look pathetic. Scrolling through them, I saw that majority were not the usual uplifting messages left by people that liked what I did.

Noo Zalfie was the reason for my existence!

Why?! Come on guys?!

Do you know how many people you are letting down?

I'm so sad I'm literally crying but I respect your choices x

This has ruined my day. Screw that it's ruined my life.

NOOOOOOOO

Reading through the endless stream of similar words made me want to cry. I suddenly saw that I had made the biggest mistake. What had I done?
It was then that I realised that this was actually all my fault. Alfie may have caused the events that lead to the break up, but I was the one that ended it. I was the one that said the words 'it's over'. I was the one that declared to the whole internet that we were officially finished. And I did it all without even bothering to talk to Alfie first.
Then another, more menacing thought formed in my mind. What if what I'd heard wasn't the truth. Maybe it wasn't all Alfie's fault. Maybe everything was twisted to look really bad. Maybe he hadn't actually done anything wrong. But maybe he had done it, and he had been the reason, but I still would never know. 
And I hadn't listened. I hadn't let him speak, explain himself. I hadn't listened to the full events, heck I didn't even know what actually happened between them. I didn't know the story, not at all. But still I told him that we were through without even listening to what he had to say. Even worse I refused to let him talk, and then declared it to the Internet that we were over.
I wanted to make things easier. I wanted to try ease the pain before agreeing to see him, but I'd done it in the worst possible way, and I saw that now, but it was too late. Nothing was better, and it was all my fault.
Then my eyes fell upon a comment on the post. A comment that made my heart stop.

Zoe, it's Rebecca. I'm so sorry. It wasn't Alfie's fault. I need to talk to you. DM me on Twitter if you want to know the truth. Please, he doesn't deserve this.

My eyes didn't believe what they were seeing. I read and re-read the message over and over, not sure what was happening. Should I believe her? My heart pounded in my chest so viciously that I though it might burst. My head hurt, and I thought, yet again, that I was going to be sick.
Then hundreds of questions spiralled around my head. Was she telling the truth? Did she mean it? Was Alfie genuinely innocent? Or was she lying? Did she just want to make everything worse?
My brain was telling me to ignore her, but my heart was telling me to message her, to see what was happening. Despite everything, despite the fact that I far from trusted her at all, I was curious to know what had actually happened. I had to know the truth.
Slowly, I opened a new tab, and typed Twitter into the bar. Ignoring my notifications, I searched for JonesRebecca, waiting for the results to come up. I so badly wanted to shut my laptop, but I knew I couldn't.

Rebecca, you and I have never spoken, and to be honest I never intended to ever speak to you. You told me that you have something to say, so please say it, but don't think that this means I don't hate you with every inch of my being.