Many Miles Apart

44. Alfie

I went to sleep that night curled up on the sofa in the living room. Poppy and Sean had the spare room, so I was left between the cushions under a blanket. That was fine by me. My mind was so awake, I barely slept anyway.
The daylight faded quickly, by 1am the streetlights had gone out, and although everything was pitch black, still I stayed awake. Even once every noise had dulled to silence, even the puppies having fallen asleep, still I lay there, staring at the ceiling in the dark.
The sounds of the house were quiet, and despite the distance, the dead of night meant that I could still hear the waves through the open window as they lapped against the shore like a cat pouncing on its prey. The occasional seagull flew past the window, it's loud squawk making me jump, and the only other noise was the distant sound of drunk people, heading home after being out clubbing.
So many thoughts were spiralling through my head, it seemed like drifting off would be completely impossible.
I wondered what Zoe was doing right now. Was she sleeping soundly, her small head barely covering half of the pillow, her hair splayed around her like a halo, or was she lying awake, like me, wishing that everything would be okay again.
It felt weird to know that we were in the same city, not that far away from each other at all anymore. When I was in America we were so many miles apart, and I felt so isolated, so useless, like there was nothing that I could do, but now I was back, all I could think about was the many different ways that I could fix this, and the many different ways that it could fail. She was about a mile away from me, yet it felt so far, too far.
I suddenly felt the urge to be with her, holding her in my arms. I wanted to feel her warmth as her small frame slotted carefully into mine. I wanted to lean into her, smell her fresh scent, feel her soft skin. I wanted to kiss her, taste her lips on mine. I wanted to take her hands and hold on like we were never going to let go. I wanted to sleep with her, but in the most innocent sense of the term. I wanted to fall asleep lying next to her, the sound of her breathing matching mine, her head resting on my chest, my arm wrapped around her back. I missed the small things, the things that most people wouldn't normally notice. I missed the things about her that made our relationship work so well. I missed her with all of my heart. So much that it hurt.

Eventually morning came, spilling through the cracks in the curtains and illuminating the room in its bright glow.
Knowing there was no point in lying around any longer, I climbed off of the sofa and pulled the thick fabric apart to reveal a clear blue sky spanning out in front of me. There was not a cloud in sight, and the early morning roar of traffic was quiet enough to let in the sea sounds. Seagulls cried overhead, filling the air with their noise, breaking the silence that seemed to have fallen on the city. It was so quiet, and I felt almost peaceful, aside from the longing to see her face smiling at me, her bright blue eyes sparking in the daylight.
Creeping into the kitchen, I turned the kettle on, stealing a glance at the clock. 5:30. It was early, but there was no chance of me sleeping again.
Trying not to wake Buzz and Nala, I made myself a cup of tea, before heading back to the living room where I'd slept.
Within 15 minutes I was bored of doing nothing, and by 6:00 I'd got dressed and ventured out into the morning, finding myself on the seafront, the two dogs on their leads in front of me, trotting along like they hadn't a care in the world.
The sea breeze whipped around my head, and the sea spray filled the air with a salty scent. The early sunlight bounced off of the water and cast a glow on the waves.
Despite the dampness, I headed down the pebbles and sat down. The water instantly seeped into my trousers, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be by the water. It had a calming effect on me.
An hour or so later, my phone began to ring. It was from an unknown number to my device, but the code was familiar. Way too familiar.
I'd walked up and down the seafront several times, taking in the fresh air, and the dogs were clearly ready for a rest. Now I was sat on a bench, the two of them curled up at my feet as I stared at the screen, shaking. Shock and excitement and fear pulsed through my veins as I registered what this meant. I felt sick from both confusion and nerves, and all of the noises around me suddenly seemed too loud. The salty air went from pleasant to stuffy and overwhelming in less than a second, and everything started to spin.
Why? Why would she call me?
The shrill tone played several times before I realised that I had to answer it. I jammed my finger on the accept button, and put the device to my ear before I could chicken out. This is what I'd been waiting for. I had to speak to her.
"Hello?", I said feebly, chocking on the words, stupidly scared it was a prank or that I'd read the number wrong.
"Alfie?", I heard a whisper down the other end. A whisper of a voice that I'd missed so much it hurt. Everything began to spin, so fast that I couldn't see. I wanted to cry, and I wasn't sure whether through happiness or something else.
"Zoe?", I chocked, her name sending jolts through my heart.
There was a pause. A silence that filled me with fear. Fear that she'd left me. Fear at what she was going to say.
"I'm so sorry"
The words hit me like a shock. All emotion swiftly exited my body along with my breath, which felt as though it had been knocked out of me, and I was left with a blank wall of confusion.
"What?"
I heard a sharp intake of breath, followed by what sounded like a contained sob. This was clearly hurting her, easily as much as it was hurting me. I just couldn't believe or understand what I was hearing.
"We need to talk. I'll see you. Soon. Today?" No explanation. Her words were short, spoken like questions, like she was struggling to say them, and my chest felt tight just hearing her sound so upset. But I couldn't say that it would be alright like I normally would. Because maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I couldn't know.
"Why are you sorry? I'm sorry", I whispered eventually, each word tugging at my heart.
I heard another sob, this one full and loud. It sent knives through my heart as I realised that I also had tears streaming down my cheeks.
"Later- At your parents-" Her words were barely understandable, mixed with her cries. "I'll explain- So will you"
"I love you Zoe", I said, the words escaping my lips before I could think.
"I know", she replied after a pause, before the line went dead.
I took the phone away from my ear slowly, and dropped it into my lap. Nala and Buzz were sat staring up at me, as if to question what had happened. As if they'd ever understand.
But she'd agreed to see me. Zoe had called me to tell me that she was coming to see me. Today. Excitement sliced through me, followed by fear, sharp as a knife.
My phone rang again, and I looked down to see it was Poppy.
"Where are you Alfie?!", she exclaimed as soon as I picked up.
"Zoe's coming. Today", was all that I could say.
"Wait. What?!"
"She's coming. Today." I paused and wiped my face on my sleeve. "I'm on the beach with the dogs. I'm going to come home now"
"Ok." She seemed in shock, as shocked as I was. "Are you ok Alfie?"
"I'm not sure. I'll see you in a bit."