Many Miles Apart

28. Alfie

Her picture vanished and the call died, taking my heart with it. Her Skype profile stared at me, taunting me, her smiling picture reminding me of what I'd just lost.
I felt numb, like I couldn't quite believe what had just happened. I didn't feel upset or angry like I should, I didn't feel anything at all. It was like my heart had stopped functioning all together.
We're over
Her words echoed around my head, all I could get was her voice in my ears, all I could see was her tear-stained face, screaming at me. What had I done?? What the hell had I just done?
Then the emotion hit, smashing me to pieces like a sledgehammer had been plunged into my chest. My stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was about to vomit. My head was spinning as pain ricocheted throughout my body, slamming into every part of me until I felt like I was going to break. Tears streamed freely down my face, and I didn't bother to stop them. Sobs were racking my chest, and I could hear my cries fill the room, echoing off of every surface. It was over. It was all over.

The time seemed to go so slowly, every second a millennium of excruciating pain. The clock on the wall read 1am, but it felt like way later than that. I was still sat, staring at my laptop, which had long since died, taking her picture with it. My tears had run dry hours ago, leaving me feeling dead inside. I just couldn't get my head around it. Me and Zoe were over. Me and the person I love most in the world, were no more.
I should be angry at Rebecca. I should be screaming at her for ruining everything. But I felt numb. All I could do was play the events from earlier in my mind, over and over until the words meant nothing anymore.

"Alfie can I have a photo?", Rebecca asked, a smile on her face.
"Umm, ok", I said apprehensively, only half paying attention. All that was on my mind was setting things straight with Zoe.
She handed me her phone, and leaned in, holding my arm.
The sky was dark, but the city was alive, the streetlights so bright that it could have been mid afternoon.
Ignoring the fact that she was pressed against me, I smiled, and took the picture.
"Take a video", she said smiling. "It means I can't forget anything"
I again tried to forget how weird that seemed, and did as she said, smiling at the video.
"Now look at me", she whispered, gazing into my eyes. It was weird, her commanding me like that but I did what she said. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was up close, her eyes sparkling like the streetlights around us. Unsure of what to do, and sort of lost in the moment, I just went with it, holding the phone at arms length, still recording.
Then she leaned in, and the next thing that I knew, our lips had collided, and she was kissing me.
At first I was too shocked to do anything. But it was nice. I felt my heart racing at her touch, and for a moment all sense rocketed from my head.
It took me a second to process her mouth on mine, a second of her warm lips, a second of my heart racing, wanting more, before I stumbled backwards, a mix of anger and confusion replacing the emotions from moments ago.
"What the hell was that for!", I shouted, my head spinning. I felt sick to my stomach, and for a second I thought I might throw up.
"I'm sorry, you're just so cute", she laughed, running her fingers through my hair, biting down on her lip. She was still standing right up against me, as her slender fingers played with the collar of my shirt.
I pushed her away, with more force than I intended, as she stumbled backwards.
"This is so wrong!", I yelled. "I have a girlfriend Rebecca! I don't know how your do things here, but back in England, having a girlfriend means that you don't go around kissing other people! What the hell is wrong with you?!" I was so annoyed, and so infuriated by her arrogance.
"Alfie, you know that I didn't mean any harm", she said flirtatiously, still grinning like a Cheshire Cat.
"Do I?", I said, taking in the words. I turned and headed to over to the road, and waved my arm at an oncoming taxi.
"Alfie, where are you going?", Eric piped up, having just come out of the restaurant after sorting out the bill.
"To the hotel", I stated, slamming the door behind me, not even waiting for a reply.

A wave of sadness and realisation swept through me again, like a sudden blow. Zoe was no longer my girlfriend.
I could feel my body shaking, every part of me hurt. It felt like I'd had my heart ripped out with a machete. I couldn't breathe, and a fresh bout of tears began to run down my cheeks. Desperate sobs escaped my lips, as I hugged a pillow tight to my chest. Why did I agree to coming? Why did I leave behind everything I loved, for this?
I cried and cried, for what felt like forever. It was as if someone had replaced my vital organs with rocks, weighing me down until I couldn't move. I'd never felt pain like this before. Not when I fell off a swing and got a concussion in primary school. Not when my best friend moved away at 15. Not when I'd been sent away to America for three months. It was indescribable, a numbing ache mixed with guilt that wouldn't stop, however hard I tried.
I hadn't even realised that I'd still been filming, I'd been so wrapped up in the moment. And I hadn't even considered there fact that she'd post it on the Internet. I'd only looked at it briefly, I couldn't bare to see it, but it was bad. I hadn't even remembered how long the kiss had lasted, and I don't remember kissing her back, but it sure looked that way.
The tears didn't stop, as I buried myself under my duvet, my face pressed into the pillow, hoping that if I stopped breathing, the hurt would go away.

I opened my eyes, I don't know how long later, partially because I couldn't bear the pain, but partially because my phone was still going off.
Eric had left me alone since he saw the photo, and Rebecca had wisely decided not to cross paths with me. If I saw her now I couldn't guarantee that I wasn't going to hit her.
Reaching out to grab the device, so I could put it on silent, I saw several texts popping up on the screen.
I unlocked the mobile, and clicked on the text icon. It had over ten messages from a few of my friends. I opened the first one, it was from Joe.
What the hell have you done! Alfie you are such a prick, I can't believe you. You'd better have a good excuse thought up by the time you get back, or your sorry arse will get a beating for hurting my sister. You complete dickhead.
I gulped, and opened the next one. It was from Tanya.
Alfie, what's happened! Message me back as soon as you get this, please, I just don't understand?
I then clicked on one from Chai.
Alfie man, what the hell is going on? Ring me when you feel like talking
I looked at the time. It was already 11am, and I knew that I had a tight schedule for the day, but I wasn't going anywhere. I was hurting too much, and I'd already decided that I'd had enough of America. I had to get back home, and even though I didn't know what to do once I got there, I couldn't stay here a minute longer.
I looked back at the phone in my hand, and typed Zoe's name into the contacts, writing a message. Everything ached, a stabbing pain ricocheted through me heart, but I needed to try something.
Zoe? I typed, and waited for a reply. Nothing. Then I realised that the message hadn't sent.
I tried again, but the same thing came up. She'd blocked me. Of course.
I burst into tears again, the reality of what I'd done sinking in. The only person I'd ever truly loved was gone from my life.
I threw my phone onto the bed next to me, and crawled into the covers, hating myself so much. The irony was that I wasn't even that mad at Rebecca, despite how hard I tried to be. It was all my fault. I'd ruined everything.