Many Miles Apart

46. Alfie

I spent the rest of the day pacing around the living room, becoming increasingly anxious until I had worked myself into panicked frenzy. My family had tried to calm me down at first, trying to get me to explain what exactly was going on. After a few hours, they seemed to realise that I wasn't going to share anymore, so they left me alone, only disturbing me, much to my annoyance, to offer food that I then turned down. I hadn't properly spoken since I'd talked to Poppy on the phone earlier, and I hadn't eaten since the night before, but despite this, all traces of appetite had vanished. I couldn't stomach the idea of eating. Just the thought of it made me feel sick.
The clock on the wall ticked by slowly, each second feeling like an hour.
But then suddenly the sun began to set, and the day was gone, snatched away from me just like that.
As time ate into the evening, I grew more and more weary of the fact that she hadn't actually come yet. She hadn't specified earlier what time she was arriving, but it was getting later and later and she still wasn't here.
My mum came in a couple of times to check on me, but I still didn't open up, and she seemed to get the picture, saying a few supportive things before leaving again, but by the time it got to 9pm, everyone was in the room with me, sat in silence, morally supporting me without speaking.
The time seemed to go so slowly, yet so fast. Every second felt like an hour, but also like a millisecond. It was like she was never going to appear, but when she did it was way too soon.

The doorbell sounded, the noise echoing through the house, seemingly bouncing off of every surface. It drummed into my skull, but the silence that followed was worse. It seemed so loud, so piercing that it hurt my ears to listen to. I froze, my muscles tensing. My legs started to shake uncontrollably to the point that I thought they may give way beneath me, but I couldn't bring myself to move let alone sit down. My heart raced in my chest and for a second I thought that I was going to be sick.
It was then that I realised that I wasn't the only one frozen in place. Both of my parents were stuck on the opposite sofa, unmoving, and I could see Poppy tense out of the corner of my eye on the sofa next to me. Even the dogs went quiet in the kitchen. The room was filled with a sudden icy coldness, one that seemed unbreakable. It was like a sudden black hole had engulfed us, and any sound, any movement seemed impossible, like it would just be sucked into a never ending vortex.
Seconds passed, but to me it felt like hours, like time had stopped completely, and I was trapped endless amount of nothingness that never seemed to end.
Then, as if hit by a sudden wave of reality, time started again, all at once everything happened. Mum jumped off of the sofa and disappeared into the hallway and Poppy stood up and pulled me into a hug and Dad shot me a look filled with sympathy and Sean patted my arm and no one spoke and it was all happening so quickly and before I knew it they'd all left me alone and I wanted to run and hide like under the stairs like I used to when I was little but I couldn't because it was too late to back out as I could hear Mum opening the front door.
A few murmurs that I could barely catch floated into the living room and I suddenly felt so scruffy standing in my tracksuit bottoms and my hair a mess but it was too late to change anything because suddenly there she was, standing in the doorway.
I was worried about not making an effort with my appearance, and looking at her my messiness felt even worse.
It wasn't that she looked her best, because even though she seemed perfectly presentable, if you looked hard enough she was scruffy like me, but the thing was she seemed to have tried. Really hard.
Her hair fell loosely round her face in its natural straightness, but the sea breeze had messed it up, and strands of it seemed to defy gravity. She'd tucked it behind her ear but still it stubbornly stuck out of place.
Her clothes were her usual sort of picks, with black ripped jeans paired with a light pink jumper. Her long black coat sat on top.
But I noticed that the rips in her jeans were uneven, one higher than her knee, the other lower. Her shoelaces were untied, and the buttons on her coat were done up wonky. I hadn't noticed that it was raining outside, but judging by the droplets water sticking to her hair and clothes it evidently was.
Her face was what gave away the extent of how hard this had hit her though. She'd tried to cover everything with makeup, but her usual talent for applying the stuff didn't seem to have shown its head. Her skin was slightly blotchy when you looked hard enough, and she had only the slightest bit of mascara on. She hadn't managed to cover up the redness, which showed that she'd been crying. A lot. But the main thing that me hurt the most were her eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes, blue like the sky on a sunny day. They showed the real pain. And there was something else. Tiredness. Like she didn't want to go on like this anymore.
Overall she looked presentable. Walking down the street she wouldn't seem odd unless you looked really closely. But that's how I was looking at her.
And the thing was, that even when I could see the imperfections, she was still the most beautiful person that I had ever laid eyes upon. My breath still caught in my throat, seeing her. She was still perfect to me. After all of this time.
My heart seemed to stop beating as she stood there. I felt a warm tear run down my cheek, as I looked at her for the first time since I'd left for America. For the first time since I'd made the mistake of leaving her.
My emotions were running around madly inside my stomach, and I was certain that I wasn't breathing. Everything hurt, seeing her, and every single part of me desperately ached to go up to her and pull her into a massive hug.
I could hear my family fumbling around in the kitchen. Their movements sounded awkward, like they could feel the tension, but all that I could take in was her, standing there. She looked lost, like she was trying to find something to say. She looked how I felt.
Say something! I told myself, but I couldn't seem to form the words in my mouth.
"Hi", I chocked finally. My chest hurt to speak, but I eventually managed to spit out the word.
She hesitated, opening her mouth as if to speak before closing it again like a goldfish. I watched as a single tear snaked down her cheek, disappearing into the collar of her top.
Then she did the most unexpected thing. Something that shocked me. Something that, judging by the look on her face, shocked us both.
One second she was stationary, standing still and just staring at me, the next she was right in front of me, and then her arms were around me, pulling me into a hug. At first I was too surprised to move, to shocked and riddled with emotion to comprehend what had just happened, then I registered, and returned her embrace. Her small body fitted into mine like a glove, her warmth next to me filling my heart with love for her. I'd missed her so much, too much.
I wished it could have lasted longer, but it didn't, and suddenly she yanked herself out of my arms, shoving me backwards in the process. I stumbled, before quickly regaining my balance as I grabbed the the windowsill, shocked by her sudden outburst. Her face was a mixture of confusion and sadness, like she was torn about what to do. I was still speechless, unsure how to react or what to say. I didn't know how to feel.
She looked like she was trying to decide what to do.
"Why did you leave?", she whispered, chocking on a sob that escaped as she spoke. Despite how upset she sounded, the sound of her voice was music to my ears. I'd missed even the tone of her words, and now here she was, standing in front of me.
I was confused by her question. Of all the things I'd expected her to ask, why I did it, why I let everything happen, why I'd ruined everything, why I was such an asshole; why I'd left was not one of them.
"I'm sorry?", I managed to ask.
"Why did you go? Why didn't you see that I wanted you to stay? Why didn't you give in to my selfish wishes?", she said, her voice still quiet, still full of emotion.
I didn't know how to respond. But it turns out I didn't have to.
"I wish you'd just told me the truth Alfie", she sobbed. "I wish I could have known that it wasn't all your fault. Because you may have messed up, big time, but I ruined everything", I was surprised that she could manage to get so many words out, judging by the full flow of her tears that was catching in her voice.
"You? Ruined everything? You're kidding right? And the truth? You know the truth?", I replied, baffled. I didn't know what to think. I could feel the hot tears running down my cheeks again. I'd cried so much recently, I was surprised that I still had any left in me.
"You're a dick Alfie. You know that?", she said, but without even a trace of venom in her voice. "You made it look so bad, then led me to believe it. And yes, I know the truth. Your lovely Rebecca told me. Delightful woman. I can see why you took to her." This time there was a bit more harshness and accusation in her words. That stung.
"Rebecca what? Why?", I was baffled as to why she would do that? After everything. My mind flashed back to that car journey. To the last time I saw her. To the pain in her voice as she told me true love didn't exist. I wish she could see me now.
"You tell me", she shrugged, her voice sill lined with spite. Then her tone softened. She seemed lost and overwhelmed again. How I felt. Still. "Alfie did you really do nothing with her?"
"What?", I questioned, confused as to why she'd even ask.
"Do you want me to spell it out? Alfie did you love her? Did you sleep with her? Did you cheat on me?" I could hear the pain in her words. The pain as she said them. I was shocked as to how she was finding the capacity to even speak right now, because I couldn't.
"What? No!", I spluttered. My heart was racing, pounding in my chest.
"Then why lie?! To me?! To everyone?!", her voice started to tremble, and it rose a few decibels until she was shouting.
"I didn't know wha-"
"I don't get it Alfie? Why didn't you tell someone the truth?! I sure would have loved to know before I told the whole world we were through!!"
"Because no one would believe me!!", I shouted. I didn't realise that I was holding my breath until my lungs hurt. I wanted it all to be better. I was fed up. "Who would listen to me!! Would you?! Would the gossip websites?! Would the fans?! No! Because I would easily just lie!! Everyone always assumes the worst!! ALWAYS!! AND IM SO TIRED OF BEING THE BAD GUY!!", I yelled at the top of my lungs. My head felt like it was about to explode.
She seemed stunned to the spot. Any courage she had was gone. She just stared at me.
Silence filled the room like an icy sheet, creeping down my spine like a cold finger.
"I'm tired of being the bad guy", I whispered again, staring straight into her blue eyes, watching as she thought about what I'd said. Waiting for her to finally speak again.