Many Miles Apart

Zoe. 35

"So how have you been, really, Zoe?", Marcus asked, shovelling a forkful of peas into his mouth. I was dreading the inevitable question that I could just tell he was going to ask eventually. But in a way, I was kind of glad for the bluntness; sympathy would just lead to a lot of tears on my part.
After recovering from the initial shock of finding me curled up on the beach, Jim, Tanya, Marcus and I had all headed back to the car, where Tanya had insisted I change out of my wet clothes, but seeing as all I had were a couple of thin shirts which were not going to be enough to stop my uncontrollably shivering, and the only trousers I'd brought were the damp pair I wore, after an awkward change in the car while the others tried to block out the windows, I ended up in one of Marcus's oversized sweaters and a pair of old leggings with a hole in one leg that Tanya had found in the boot of her car.
Every time I'd seen a couple walking past the vehicle, images of Alfie shot though my head, but every time I shut my eyes and pushed the emotions away until I was numb.
After that, we headed back to Jim and Tanya's house, me being the only one that didn't sleep through the journey (apart from Jim of course who was driving). I had too much to think about, such as the new found hope that settled in my chest, and, though I tried to ignore it, the desperation to see Alfie, to hug him, for him to tell me how much he loved me. And even in all of this mess of emotion, I couldn't help but feel like this was my fault. I was the one that ended our relationship in a mass of hurt and anger. I was the one who wouldn't let him talk, because I was too scared to hear his lies again. I was too scared that I'd fall into a trap. But I refused to let that get to me. He was the one that messed this up, not me.
These thoughts continued as we arrived at their home, as I had a hot bath and the others prepared dinner, while I changed into something of Tanya's and headed downstairs to join the others to eat.
The three of them stared at me expectantly, waiting for my reply.
"I don't know", I replied to Marcus's question, fresh pain breaking through my chest like a mist clouding up the light that shone through the darkness.
No I thought, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to banish the hurt from my body. No not again
Slowly the fog cleared, and the pain disappeared, leaving me emotionless. This was the technique I'd been using since I was found on the beach.
I opened my eyes to find the the three of them staring at me like I was mad.
"What?", I asked, questioning the look on their faces. No one replied, just ate more of the food in front of them.
"Are you guys going to tell me why you're being so quiet?", I said, confused at their silence.
"No reason", Jim finally broke in, after a long pause. "But you are okay, right?", he said.
"Yeah, I'm fine, you guys need to stop worrying", I replied, forcing a smile. I didn't want them to feel bad because Alfie may have messed up my life.
"Marcus, how are you doing?", I asked, swirling my fork around the plate, all appetite gone. I needed to change the conversation, I couldn't bare it anymore. It was like an icy tension, hovering over the room, ready to snap at any moment.
"I'm ok", he told me. "I've missed you though, it feels like ages since I last saw you." His comment brought a smile to my face, and for a second I forgot about the anger and hurt eating at my insides.
"Aww I've missed you too Marcus", I grinned, glad for the distraction.
"Anyway, I was thinking...", Jim started, beginning a long conversation with the other two. I tried to join in, but my mind kept wandering, and I couldn't keep track of what they were talking about.
After about ten minutes of this, my phone started to ring in my pocket. Thankful for a distraction, I jumped out of my seat and pulled the device out of my pocket.
"I'm just going to take this", I told them, heading out of the room, ignoring the surprised look on their faces at my reaction to the call. The number was unknown, but I answered it, mainly as an excuse to get out of the kitchen.
"Hello?", I said, heading into the living room and sitting down on the sofa, before getting up and pacing the coffee table. I couldn't talk on the phone without wandering around the room, it was just a strange habit I guess.
"Hi is that Zoe?", the caller asked. The voice was deep and unfamiliar, with a strong American accent.
"Speaking", I replied, slightly apprehensive. A wave of nerves washed over me as my mind instantly flickered to Alfie, who was in America right now, at least until he came back.
"Hi my names Eric-", he put bluntly, cutting off his sentence as if someone had jerked his arm away from the phone.
I waited for him to continue, wondering if it was a prank call.
"I'm working with Alfie."
Time suddenly seemed to slow as my breath caught and my heart felt like it had stopped dead. I dropped the device, watching it in slow motion as it fell onto the sofa, bouncing off of the cushions, my mind racing at 100 miles an hour.
"Hello?", Eric called, his voice sounding tinny and quiet at my feet, but the noise just washed over me. The calmness that I'd felt before vanished, as a swirling storm of panic burst through my chest.
"Hello?", he tried again. I desperately wanted to end the call, but I was frozen in spot, paralysed by fear at what he would say.
I heard a sigh, followed by a mumble and a noise that sounded like the phone at the other end was being passed around.
Then on the line came a different voice. A softer, familiar voice. A voice I knew all too well. A voice that smashed a hammer into my chest and sent a thousand different emotions through my heart.
"Zoe?", Alfie asked, his tone sad but hopeful, the one word waking up feelings that I had thought I'd finally gotten rid of. My heart leapt into my throat and my hand slammed to my mouth, stifling a cry. Fresh salty tears rolled down my cheeks, as pain and desperation tugged at me body, ripping me apart. Everything hurt, and I felt like I was going to vomit. Any last traces of hope of getting over him vanished, leaving me a snivelling wreck. My brain was screaming at me to end the call, but my heart was so desperate to hear his voice again that I stayed, stuck to the sofa, my hand plastered against my mouth to prevent any sound escaping my lips.
"Zoe I know you're there, please don't hang up", he started, every syllable a knife in my chest. I still couldn't breathe, and my lungs felt like they were about to burst. "I really need to talk to you." There was a pause, as if he was waiting for me to answer. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't, I was frozen in place.
He sighed. "Zoe, if you can hear me, please just understand that I never meant for any of this to happen, and I never wanted to hurt you. I want you to know that I get that you hate me right now. I get that you won't want to forgive me, I don't forgive me either." He voice was cracking, and he paused as I heard a sob, then an intake of breath.
I still didn't move. I was torn between what to do. I needed to turn it off, but I couldn't. The stupid part of me that still felt a rush when I hear him speak just wouldn't let go.
The tears streamed, blinding me as half of me strained to hear his voice, the other half desperate to make it stop.
"All I can say is that I'm sorry", another sob. "And I understand if you never want to speak to me again", he chocked. I could hear him crying on the other end, and it broke what was left of my heart. "But I wanted to tell you that I'm coming home in a few days, and that I just want to see you, and I think that we could put this behind us-...because I love you so much-"
His voice cut off as I lunged for my phone, ending the call. I couldn't bare to hear him anymore. To hear those words from him anymore. Because I knew that I wasn't strong enough to resist him. The hot tears burned my cheeks, as I finally chocked out a sob, which escalated into hysterical crying. Everything hurt so much I wanted to pass out on the spot.
Whilst Alfie had been talking, all I had wanted was to believe him, to believe that everything could be okay again, but hearing tell me he loved me reminded me of how I still loved him, and that nothing would ever be the same. And however much it hurt to be without him, things would be worse if I didn't stop feeling like this. I just had to let him go, even though so much of me was desperate to just forget about everything and tell him it would all be fine.
I sunk into the sofa, curling up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest. My crying got stronger as my whole body shook, but I couldn't stop.
Clearly it was loud enough for the others to hear, as the three of them dashed into the room, all calling my name.
"Zoe are you ok!"
"Oh my gosh Zoe what's happened!"
"Oh Zoe!"
Their sympathies just made me feel even worse, them calling my name made me realise that I didn't want to be Zoe anymore. I didn't want to have to deal with all of the pain that was her life. I didn't want to have to suffer with what her boyfriend had done. With how her seemingly perfect life that everyone had envied had spiralled downhill into this mess. I didn't want to have to upload every moment of her existence to the Internet. She may have loved that, loved knowing that she could help so many people. But she was gone. That wasn't me. That life didn't seem like mine anymore, and I didn't want it.
Three pairs of arms wrapped around me, but I didn't move, I just pulled my legs closer and listened to the silence that used to be my beating heart.