Many Miles Apart

15. Zoe

The drive to the airport was the worst. I spent the whole journey trying to hold back a flow of tears that threatened every time I looked at Alfie, and every time that I thought I'd composed myself, I would look over at him again and the emotions would rush back.
He had told me to stay at home, to try and make the goodbye easier, but I insisted on coming. I wanted to spend every last moment with him that I could. I needed to.
After what seemed like forever, get no time at all, I parked up in the short stay car park, and we climbed out and lugged his cases onto a trolley. Every time a moment passed, I felt as if I was missing out on being with him. Every second felt wasted knowing that it would be months before I saw him again.
Once inside, I felt a wave of panic rocket through me like someone had suddenly lit a match and it was burning my insides out. I wasn't going to see Alfie for three months. Three whole months, and I would be completely alone for every second.
Alfie went and loaded his main cases into the desk, and then we headed to the small airport cafe to get a drink. His flight left soon, and he needed I check in, but we were determined to spend as much time together as possible, but as I sat there staring at my my hot chocolate, I realised that maybe that wasn't the best idea, and that maybe we should just get the goodbyes over with instead of prolonging the agony. We weren't speaking anyway. I was focusing too much on trying not to cry.
"Have you got everything?", I asked, placing down my still-full cup.
"I think so, and even if I'd forgotten something it would be a bit late now", he replied pulling a feeble smile, trying to make a joke. I just gulped back any emotion.
"You know it's only an hour and a half until my plane takes off, so I should probably go and check in", he said. I nodded, tears spilling down my cheeks. At this point I didn't even try to stop them.
"Aww Zoe", he whispered, getting up and pulling me out of my seat into a huge hug. I could hear his heart beating under his shirt, could feel the warmth of his skin as he held me close. "I love you so much", he told me, as my uncontrollable stream of tears soaked his shirt. I just nodded again, unable to speak.
We walked over to the desk, where Alfie handed over his passport and ticket. The man at the desk took one look at me, before gesturing at the entryway. It had a huge sign reading 'Passengers Only".
Walking over to the side, Alfie turned to look at me.
"I'm going to miss you so much", he said, his voice trembling as he took my hands. The salty water was in full flow now, and I had a horrid sinking feeling in my stomach. My heart was pounding and my chest felt right. Alfie was leaving.
"Me too", I sobbed, pulling him into an embrace. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
Then he lent down and kissed me, long and passionately. It was filled with so much pain and longing, and my insides were twisting into knots. It was full of so much pain, so many unsaid words that there wasn't time to say. I never wanted this moment to end. He pulled me closer, his hands on my waist, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
Eventually, I pulled away, knowing that however much I wanted it to, the moment had to end.
"You're going to miss your plane", I said. As he looked down at me, his warm brown eyes brimming with years, I felt words begins to tumble out of my mouth. "I love you so much Alfie, and I'll never stop loving you, no matter what. Call me when you arrive, and I'll Skype you every day"
"I love you too", he whispered, looking straight at me, our gazes connected for one final moment.
Then he let go of my hands, picked up his bag and headed through the doorway, looking back once briefly before disappearing round the corner.

I stumbled out into the car, and sunk into the drivers seat, dissolving into a snivelling mess. Panic rose in my chest, and before I knew it, the familiar sensation was back. I let it absorb me, take over my system and I quickly got into a state.
My heart was racing, my chest and throat so tight that I could barely draw breath. My head span and every muscle in my body felt so tight, as if I'd run a marathon. I willed myself to pass out to escape the pain, but I knew that it was useless.
A knock at the window of my car promptly brought me back to the present. I couldn't help but feel even more afraid of who was trying to to all to me, but I pulled myself together enough to wind the window down at the sight of a woman standing there.
"Sorry to intrude, but I was wondering if you were alright?", she said, sounding concerned. She seemed middle aged, her short brown hair slightly greying, her face wrinkling slightly as she smiled at me.
"Yeah, sorry I'm fine", I snivelled. Each intake of breath sent pain through my system, but I pushed it down, trying to appear stronger than I felt.
"Are you sure?", she asked, genuinely seeming to care. I had absolutely no idea why she was knocking on my window, all I could guess was that she saw me crying and was nice enough- or nosey enough- to see if I was ok.
I don't know what it was that made me open up to her, maybe it was the look on her face, maybe it was the fact that she didn't seem to know who I was, or maybe it was just that I needed someone to talk to.
"It's my boyfriend, he's gone off to America for three months and I didn't want him to leave me, and now that's it. I'm not seeing him again for ages and I know it sounds so pathetic but I just need him so badly right now.", I blurted. "I'm going through a tough time at the moment, what with crowds of people outside my door and with anxiety issues, and I just miss him already so much". I broke down into tears again, sobbing into my arm.
I heard her opening the door and put an arm round my shoulder. Again for some strange reason, I didn't try to stop her. She reminded me of my mum.
"Whatever happens, it's going to be ok", she told me. It felt good to have someone that seemed to care, even if she was a complete stranger. Then she paused. "What do you mean about having crowds outside your door? I don't think that's normal love? Shouldn't you maybe ring the police or something?"
I froze. Shit why did I have to ruin everything. I was going to have to say something. Exhaling, I made up an excuse.
"Oh it's normal, but nothing important, don't worry about it", I told her, hoping she'd buy it.
"Okay", she said, sounding unsure. Then she looked at me quizzically. "Wait, I recognise you from somewhere", she said.
I sighed, knowing that I'd said too much. I'd have to explain. She'd think I was weird if I didn't. Once again the words just seemed to flow out of me.
"My names Zoe, but I'm also known as Zoella. You may have heard of me", I whispered, feeling tension in my chest again.
"Oh yes, that's right!", she said, looking shocked. "My daughter watches your videos, she's a huge fan!"
I just waited for her to start asking for autographs and pictures, even though I still felt really panicky and I couldn't breathe properly but for some reason she didn't, and for that I was thankful.
"Just wait until she hears this", she laughed to herself. "Well I really have to go now, off to work, I hope your feeling better soon though, and remember that it will be ok", she told me. "I assume your boyfriend is taking a big opportunity, and I guess you just have to try and support him. It'll turn out ok, I'm sure"
I nodded in thanks, as she put her hand on my arm one last time, and gave me a sorry look, before turning and walking off.
Mentally preparing myself for what I knew was going to be a difficult few months, started the engine, feeling slightly calmer, and headed back to my empty home, Alfie being the only thought on my mind.