Many Miles Apart

48. Alfie

The rain kept pouring down, drenching me from head to toe. My hair stuck to my face, concealing my eyes so I couldn't see. My shoes were puddles, every step I took like walking through the sea itself. I could barely make out a few feet in front of me, the rain concealing any light that shone through the darkness. All I could hear was the drumming of water, all around me, in one dull, endless blur.
I walked away from Zoe, each step hurting more than the last as we got further and further apart. Each squelch of my shoes whisking away my happiness. I knew how much this was hurting her, but I was too selfish to turn back. To tell her we could sort this out. Because I was scared that I'd messed everything up by leaving that day. By turning my back on her, saying goodbye, walking away, through that departure lounge. I was scared that we'd never go back to how we were before, and her lack of trust and my lack of belief were the first signs of that.
I knew that she was still standing there, behind me as I trudged down the beach, but I couldn't look back. I wasn't strong enough. I didn't know if I'd ever be.
I could feel more than hear the shells under my feet, just like I could sense more than see the waves lapping onto the shore like a cat pouncing on its prey.
I walked for a bit, down the beach. I wasn't sure how long I'd been going, or how far I'd gone, but I liked the similarity of the shore, how even as I progressed down the beach, the sea was still there, just the same as it was 50 meters ago, and 50 meters before that. It was unchanging, like I wish my life could be, like it would have been if I'd never gone.
My tears mingled with the rain, until I couldn't tell which was which. My head span, and I just wanted disappear completely, so I wouldn't have to face the pain anymore. I was to tired.
Then I stopped walking. I was quite a way down the beach now, and when I looked back I couldn't see her anymore through the rain. I couldn't see anything.
I sank to my knees, and sat down on the wet stones. The waves were lapping onto my shoes, but I was already so wet I didn't care anymore. I sat there, the shells digging into my legs, and shut my eyes as the droplets thrummed all over me, and let my emotions wash over me like the waves were.
I don't know how long I sat there for, but by the time I opened my eyes, the rain had stopped and the tide was up to my knees.
I stood up slowly, my whole body shaking in the cold. My bare arms were covered in goosebumps, and I could barely see through my hair that stuck to my face.
I got up and walked, back down the beach again, not thinking until I reached the point where she'd been.
Needless to say she was gone.
I turned around, to look at the city. All of the lights in the houses were out, and I could barely see anything. It was late. Really late.
Slowly, I began to make my way back to Mum and Dad's house, my stiff limbs aching from the cold.
I tried not to relive the last few hours, but I couldn't help but taste her lips, feel her warmth against me like a phantom, a memory in the back of my mind. A moment I wished I could relive.
But I had to ruin it. She had to ruin it. All I wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was before. And this was just a sign that it never would.
I reached the house, the only one on the street that had lights still on. Strange.
I pushed open the door and walked into the warm corridor, my eyes hurting in the sudden change of light.
"Alfie?", I heard come from the living room, and then my whole family, mum, dad, Poppy, Sean, even the dogs piled out of the room.
"Oh my god Alfie we were so worried!", Mum cried, pulling me into a hug. "We thought you'd run away or something! We nearly rang the police! Where have you been?!", she asked, worry turning to annoyance.
"Oh, you know, just went for a walk..", I said, trying not to think about it.
"Do you know how scared we were!? It's 2am you know! 5 hours you were gone for! 5!", Dad shouted. Even at 21, the my Dad still had the ability to make me cower in the corner . "Oh god you're soaking, what happened?", Mum asked, her tone softening as she studied me. "In fact, go and get changed, have a shower or something, you must be freezing"
I was shoed upstairs, glad to be away from the mess, Poppy and Sean following me up as they explained they were going to bed.
I headed into the bathroom and ran a shower, the hot water doing nothing to warm up my frozen heart. I just let the water warm my cold skin before hopping out and changing into dry clothes.
It made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't stop the pain. It wouldn't go.
"Hey Alfie", I heard as I opened the bathroom door. "Are you ok?"
Sean was leaning against the wall, half hidden by the darkness in the corridor.
"No not really", I mumbled, each word surfacing more memories of the last few hours.
"Hey man, tell me what's happened", he said, his voice genuinely sympathetic. It made me want to collapse and cry again, but I vowed not to.
"It's fine-"
"Alfie. It's better to get things out. You know that right?", he pressed, his voice soothing.
I sighed. "Yeah ok"
We walked into the spare room, where Poppy was sat on the bed on her phone.  As I walked in, she put it down and sat up. They both were ready to listen, like a small audience. It made me even more nervous to explain.
I began to speak and within seconds the words were flowing in an endless stream. I was telling them things that I had promised to keep to myself, without even meaning to. The story just kept going.
First I told them about the meeting in London, about my reaction and hers, then I went on to how everything had changed after that, how things got harder. I told them about my leaving, about how much it hurt to walk away from her like that.
I told them about Florida, about meeting Rebecca. I talked about my friendship with Eric, and how he helped me through it. I told them about New York, about everything she did, from the plane journey to the photo that caused the Skype call that ruined everything.
I talked about coming home, then finally the beach just a few hours ago, about what she said to me, the words that sent everything spiralling downwards again.
Then I'd finished talking, and the room was filled with silence. It wasn't the awkward kind, but the deep, meaningful kind that makes you think about things you didn't even want to.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry", Sean said, his head dipping. There was more silence. "Maybe you overreacted on the beach?", he tried, like he was worried about what I'd say.
"I guess...", I mumbled, hurting inside. "But how can things go back to normal if she can't even trust me? It's just a sign that things can't be like they were"
Sean didn't know what to say to that. It we just silence again.
Then Poppy spoke. She hadn't said a word since I'd walked in, hadn't reacted in any way. She'd just listened, in silence.
"Maybe that's what you're doing wrong.  You shouldn't try to pick up where you left off. Maybe you should start again. Something happened that made the way you were before not work any more. So find a new way. If you love her then you'll find a way"
In one massive wave of realisation I saw that she was right. And that hurt to hear. A lot. Because I'd messed it up. Again.
"Oh god", I whispered, my head spinning. "What have I done."
"Hey you can fix this", Sean said, trying to sound believable. It wasn't working.
"She finally forgave me. And I pushed her away. Why would she ever want to be with me after that?", I said, feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach. I just couldn't believe I'd been such an idiot.
"You have to try Alfie. You love her don't you?", Poppy said slowly.
There was yet more silence as I thought about everything that had happened. I thought about how she had betrayed my trust like I'd betrayed hers. I thought about all the hurt that we'd been through, about how easy it would be to just give up on us. To just accept the fact that we were over.
But I couldn't do that. I couldn't leave her. Even after what she'd done. If she could forgive me, I had to forgive her.
And just like that, my mind was made up.
"Yes", I replied. "Yes I do"