Many Miles Apart

41. Zoe

The time ticked by slowly, but at the same time it was way too fast. Each second seemed like an eternity, yet every time I looked at the clock, an hour had gone, just like that. 5pm, 6, 7. Then 9,10,11. I just tried to busy myself, the tv just white noise playing in the background. Everywhere I looked reminded me of Alfie, worse than it ever had done before. Each room presented new memories, new emotions, but I refused to let it stop me from getting about and doing the things that I had to do. I'd had enough of laying around and feeling sorry for myself. It hurt, but I had to get on with my life, even if it meant doing it without Alfie.
Once I'd arrived home, and finally persuaded Jim that I'd be ok, I'd showered, changed and tidied the room. I then went on to tidy the whole house, avoiding Alfie's office to which the door stayed shut. Then I wandered around doing little jobs like sorting out the desk draws in my office, emptying out everything from the fridge and checking the dates and changing the sheets on all the beds (even though I hated the chore), and after a while, I started to find myself running out of things to do. But the second I stopped, the second I sat down all of the thoughts and emotions came rushing back. It was then that I realised that I had to stay busy.
After starting up my laptop and sifting through my emails, replying to any of importance and deleting all of the junk mail, I officially concluded that I had run out of jobs.
I sunk into the sofa, and as the soft cushions pulling me in to an embrace, i tried not to imagine them as Alfie, his arms wrapped around me. I stared blankly at the TV screen, not taking in anything that it was saying.
On impulse, I opened a new tab and typed Twitter into the search bar. As the search loaded, I began to regret my choice, but then my news feed appeared on the screen.

The small number on my notification bar was at 20+, and there were too many direct messages to count. That was usual, but when I opened the menu, there were so many tweets coming in, even now when they knew that I hadn't been active for days.

"I'm sorry that this happened Zoe"
"No one ever deserves this"
"He was a dick anyway"
"Please come back, we miss you so much"
"Zoe I don't know you personally but I really need to talk"

The last one was from a name that I knew all too well. A name that had ruined everything. @JonesRebecca.
I quickly pressed on my timeline, getting rid of the notifications constantly pinging on my screen. A surge of sadness washed through me as I read through my last tweets. All of these people that watched my videos, and I'd just left them. All of these people that cared and I hadn't even bothered to tell them what was happening.
Then a though popped into my mind.
I closed Twitter and opened a new page, before typing 'Zoella' into the search bar. Ignoring the stream of results about the breakup, I found my blog and opened a new draft.
Staring at the screen blankly, I prepared myself for what I was about to say. I didn't want to, and it was going to hurt, but I had to get it out, for them and for me.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, then I began to type.

Hello everybody,
This is really difficult for me to write, and even harder for me to put into words, but I feel like you deserve an explanation.
Recently a lot of things have happened in my life that have caused a lot of trouble and stress. You have probably seen a lot of this as it has leaked onto the Internet, and I feel that you deserve to know what's happening. A lot of rumours have arisen, and I want to clear them up personally.
Firstly, I want to apologise for not being on any social media, but under the circumstances, I felt that I wasn't able to be active online.
Alfie and I had been together, as you probably know, for quite some time. We shared a house and both cared for Nala our puppy. When we got together, it was never for publicity, but I'm pretty sure you knew that. Recently, Alfie was invited to go to Florida for an internet convention. He was to be there for three months, which of course we both knew was going to be hard for both of us. I don't know the full story, or about the events that occurred whilst he was there, but something happened, something that then lead to the photo that I'm sure you've already seen, which has evidently lead to me writing this. I can't tell you the full extent to this, and I hope that you'll respect our privacy in that some parts of my life are to stay private, as we outlined when our relationship was first released on the internet.
I need to get this out there, and clear up the main rumour by confirming it. Yes, Alfie and I are no longer together. The details are personal, so again I'm not going into detail, but as you can tell, it was not a happy ending.
I'm really sorry to anyone who may be upset by this news, and trust me I feel pretty rubbish too at the moment, but I felt that you deserved to know as many of you are probably quite used to knowing what is happening in my life, and you've always been there for me.
Alfie is due home from America tomorrow (Sunday), and if he wants to share his side of the story with you then he will in his own time.
I'm really sorry that this blog post has been so negative, but I felt the need to get it out. I hope that you'll understand that I may take some time off of the Internet, to sort everything out, but I'll be back online soon, and the next post will be a bit more positive.
I don't intend to leave this post up, because I don't want all that we've created to be ruined by negativity.

I love you all.

By the time I'd finished writing, tears were streaming down my cheeks like a waterfall. My head span and my heart hurt. Recounting it all was so hard, too hard, but I knew that I'd feel better for it tomorrow. At least I hoped this pain would ease.
I tried to re-read the writing, but I couldn't get past the first line without feeling like throwing up all over again. I skimmed it for spelling and grammar mistakes, but couldn't bare to take in the words.
My mouse hovered over the 'post' button, hesitating. Could I do it? Could I tell them all the truth? I dithered for a moment, pulling my hand back, before jamming my finger down on the button in a sudden burst of courage.
Slamming my laptop shut, I was filled with a burst of sadness. I'd done it. I'd officially ended our relationship. I'd finally let him go.
I searched for even a tiny bit of relief at the fact that we were over, and that I'd admitted it, but I couldn't find any. Not even the smallest rush of freedom. I just felt filled with sadness and dread, and sat on my shoulders like a huge weight was the sense that I'd done something very wrong.
Then I remembered what was happening tomorrow, and that I'd have to see him again, and so many emotions surfaced that I thought that I was about to throw up. I felt dizzy and had to grab hold of the wall to save myself from falling over.
Switching off all of the lights, I went upstairs and collapsed on my bed, tears streaming down my face and soaking the pillow. I lay there for what felt like hours, my head spinning, the weight still pressing down on my chest until sleep eventually took me away, my mind buzzing with regret and unease.