Many Miles Apart

50. Alfie

It was quiet in the cafe, quieter than I think I'd ever seen it, but then I hadn't ever been in here at 9:30am on a Thursday morning before. The only people in the room were a couple of people grabbing quick breakfasts before heading off to work, and the waitresses shuffling around the shop clearing up the odd mug and plate.
I was sat at a small round table at the far end of the cafe, a cold cup of coffee sat in front of me. Poppy was sat across from me, staring at a small spot on the wall behind my head. She wasn't smiling like normal; wasn't her usually cheerful, bubbly self. Her face was a stone mask, unmoving. I knew that she was just as scared as I was. I guess she didn't want to lose Zoe either.
We'd been sat there for a while, unsure of how much longer we'd be waiting. We weren't going to arrive here until later, but I was so nervous I just wanted to get out of the house, and so here we were, gazing into our mugs and wishing that this would all be over soon. I was so tired of feeling like this. I just wanted to end it all, whether it meant getting back together, or learning to live with the fact that I couldn't have her anymore. I couldn't stand this instant feeling of uncertainty. A decision had to be made.
"What time did he say?", Poppy asked, breaking the silence of our table, not looking away from the spot on the wall.
"He didn't", I replied bluntly. I didn't have the capacity to say anything else. I'd stopped trying to speak to her a while ago, and she hadn't made an effort either. 
More time passed with us sat in silence. I didn't really do much. At first we'd both tried to do something, tried to talk, tried to check our phones, but after a while we ran out of things to talk about, and there was only so many times you could refresh Twitter before you got bored of what you were reading.
It felt like so long but not long enough as the time passed, but I didn't care anymore.
"Excuse me, can I get you anything?", I heard. There was a waitress standing over our table. She was small with straight brown hair and a bright smile. She was quite pretty, but all I could notice was how she looked slightly like Zoe.
"No thank you", Poppy said, and no sooner had the words escaped her lips than the doors at the end of the shop swung open, and there, standing next to Joe, was the real Zoe. My real Zoe.
I was instantly taken aback at how beautiful she was. It happened every time I saw her, but, after everything that had happened recently, my emotions felt even stronger than usual. She clearly hadn't seen us behind the waitress, because she still seemed to be talking to her brother. Well, listening to him talk. I felt a pang of pain at seeing her acting so normally, but as they got closer I realised that she didn't seem to be zoned in at all. He seemed animated, mid topic, but the look on her face showed that she wasn't actually taking it in. Joe hadn't noticed, but then, he wasn't the kind to spot that sort of thing.
I smiled to myself at the sight of her, without realising, as the waitress walked away. They were now free to see us. I watched as Joe looked over at me and grinned, but Zoe, her back turned, still hadn't noticed me.
I waited, as, like planned, Joe made a comment that would explain my being here. I didn't want to scare her off by just appearing like that. This was my last chance.
I began to gear myself up for what I was going to say. I wasn't sure that I was ready, but this was it, because she was turning around, and then she saw me, and I saw her face, and everything inside of me just melted and I got up and then she was right in front of me and I had to speak but I suddenly had nothing to say.

"Alfie?", Poppy said.
I was sat on the sofa, watching the tv. Well, I was staring at the screen but taking nothing in. I had too much on my mind.
She was talking, but I wasn't really listening. I was thinking about Zoe again. Thinking about our future. For once, instead of looking back, I was picturing what would have happened, if I hadn't left. We'd be at home right now, watching the cooking show that was on right now, Zoe curled up next to me, my arms around her, her head resting on my shoulder. We'd be so happy together, so in love, just the way it used to be.
Then my mind began to wander, and I started to think further ahead. Our careers being big, but not big enough to get in the way of our private lives. Not big enough to stop us being together as much as we could.
Then in a couple of years, me taking her away to some fancy restaurant, popping the big question. Watching the look on her face as I showed her the ring. Crying with her as she kissed me and said yes.
Then even further on, holding her hand as we headed into the hospital, her stomach triple its usual size. Feeling as terrified as she was, as we waited to finally see our child. Holding her hand as we said hello to the beautiful baby that was to be in our lives until the day we died.
Watching them grow up, the two of us standing hand in hand on the patio as our little toddler ran around, and then as they were joined by another sibling or two, all with her sparkling blue eyes, rosy cheeks and bright smiles.
Battling with them as they grew into the awkward teenage years, trying not to get mad, and constantly reminding them of how much we would always love them.
And then seeing them all grown up, holding our grandchildren. Living together in retirement, so wholly happy with our lives and what we'd achieved. Still loving each other with all of our hearts.
That's what we could have had. That's what we maybe still can have.
But what if she doesn't want that. What if she doesn't want our future?
"Alfie?!", Poppy repeated, louder this time.
"Mmn", I replied, snapped out of my trance.
She suddenly bounded off of the sofa.
"Were you even listening to a word I just said?!", she questioned, facing me straight on, towering over me as I slumped further into the cushions.
"Well...", I mumbled.
"Exactly my point!", she exclaimed. "Are you listening now?"
I nodded quickly.
"As I was saying, I'm not going to let you mope around anymore you've spent enough time wallowing to know that this is not going to help. You're in the middle of a 'do I don't I' situation, and you're going to arrange to meet her and you're going to discuss this, so that we all can understand what is actually happening between you two. Are you getting back together or not?"
She put it so bluntly I felt stupid for not doing anything about it before. But it was way more complicated than she was making it seem. Way too difficult.
"I don't know Pop...", I replied, looking at the floor. "It's just, she probably wants nothing to do with me right now. And I don't blame her."
"Excuses Alfie", she replied, her tone harsh. Then it softened. "Look, I know I can't make you do anything, but you can't do this to yourself. I hate seeing you like this. You're my little brother, and I'd yell at any girl that broke your heart, but Zoe isn't any girl, and she's only breaking it because you're giving it to her, and trust me, you've got hers squashed in your hand too"
"Stop with the metaphors will you, we're not in an English lesson", I said, half jokingly. She smiled.
"Just talk to her ok?", Poppy said, before walking out of the room.
I thought about what she'd said, and mentally decided against it. It was stupid. I'd hurt her so much, and maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe we weren't meant to have a future together.
But then I saw our children again, running around the garden as we stood there hand in hand, and I knew that I had to do something. I loved her too much not to.

"What... But I thought...-", Zoe stuttered. She wasn't making eye contact, she was staring at her feet, like she was too scared to look at me. I could practically see her emotions mirroring mine.
Slowly I reached up and lifted her chin so she was looking at me. Her eyes were so bright, like the sky, staring up at me. She seemed so lost, like she didn't know what to say. I was filled with an overwhelming urge to kiss her.
Then she pushed my hand away from her face.
"You said that we couldn't be together Alfie", she whispered finally. She sounded like she was about to cry. "You said that you couldn't trust me"
"I know", I replied, finally speaking.
"Why did you set this up? I don't know about you but all of this talking and then arguing and running off is too much. I can't handle it Alfie. I can't do this-", she stopped as she chocked back a tear. I was close to joining her. Because everything she said was true. It hurt too much. But the reality was, I'd do it a hundred times for her. Because I needed her.
It killed me to see her like this, so hurt, and to know that it was all my fault.
Joe and Poppy suddenly seemed really interested in the menu on the wall, before leaving the cafe. They'd never really spoken before, so it was weird seeing them talking, but I was preoccupied. I didn't want to think about anything else but the beautiful woman standing in front of me.
I took a deep breath, and then decided what I was going to say. My mind was made up, I just had to tell her.
"I'm sorry. For leaving that day. For not turning around and walking out of that airport, holding your hand. I'm sorry for betraying you, for letting you down and leading you to believe what you did. I'm sorry for everything that I've ever done to upset you, from the moment we met", I told her, feeling the tears rising up in my own throat. It was the first time I'd felt like crying since I last saw her. "Because I love you Zoe, and I'm not going to try and hide it, and whatever we decide to do after all of this, I will never stop loving you-" I paused as I held back a choke myself, before continuing. "- And I don't care what you've done. Whether you betrayed my trust, or anything else, I don't care about any of that, I just want to be with you, no matter what. Through thick and thin I want to be by your side, loving you." The tears were now in full flow, but I didn't let that stop me.
"Poppy said to me that maybe we shouldn't try and be like we were. Maybe we should start over, and I'm willing to try that, I'm willing to try anything. And I want you to know that.
"But if you've had enough, then ok. We'll end it, and I'll do that, for you. Because I'll do anything to make you happy. Anything at all. As long as you're alright, I'll make do Zoe.", I said, and I meant it. I would be ok, if that's what she wanted.
And then I'd said everything that I could. Now it was just down to her.