Many Miles Apart

27. Zoe

I felt so angry, yet so upset and I couldn't stop the hundreds of other emotions from flooding my system in one go, like an invisible wall that had been holding everything back had suddenly fallen in one huge blow. I was so mad that I could scream, yet so hurt that I wanted to just curl up into a ball and cry for the rest of eternity. I knew I was acting jealous, but honestly I felt so defeated that it was all I could do. He was so far away, and all I wanted was to know that he still cared about me. The problem was, I was starting to wonder if everything he was saying was a lie.
I sunk deeper into the sofa, not caring that Nala was whimpering at my feet, not caring that it was 2am, not caring about anything anymore. Everything burned, like a searing fire spreading through my limbs, but I didn't feel panicky or anxious like I normally would in a situation like this. I just felt hurt, angry and numb.
Suddenly I was hit with a strange feeling of determination. I sat bolt upright, causing the pug at my feet to jump. I was not going to let this defeat me. I would wait for Alfie to ring me later, and I would find out the truth. And I would tell him what I thought. Resolve hit me like a shock, and I suddenly felt so powerful that I could take on the world. Part of me knew that I couldn't base everything on what I knew currently. I couldn't let myself break down when I wasn't really sure what was going on. And if I was right, well I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.
Scooping Nala up and tucking her into her bed, I turned off the lights and headed upstairs, newfound determination set in my chest like another organ, taking over my heart's job and keeping me alive.

Light spilled through the open curtains, casting a bright glow onto the pale bedsheets. My head span as I slowly emerged from beneath the covers to shut the window, a cold breeze biting at my bare arms.
I hadn't slept a wink last night, my mind brimming with thoughts and emotions, making it impossible to clear my head enough to drift off. I was shattered, and the strength that I had felt earlier had faded considerably. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry.
I reached over to my laptop and switched it on, crawling back under the covers, yawning, every muscle aching.
The screen lit up, my eyes hurting at the sudden bright light, and it opened my last web search- Twitter- from where I hadn't shut it down properly.
The macbook made a buzzing noise as my the device caught up with the website. My notifications were packed, fuller than I'd usually wake up to, and the number of mentions was just ever increasing. I was suddenly filled with a sense of fear, cold and sharp, like a frost, biting at every part of my body.
I clicked on the first one that I could see, a post by a fan account under the name 'zalfie5everx'. I loved talking to these people, and seeing how happy they became at a reply that took several seconds for me to type.
This message, though, did not make me want to reply or favourite. It didn't make me smile and feel lucky for who I was. It made me want to disconnect from the entire world, curl up under the covers and never come out again.
'Alfie, what are you doing! I thought Zalfie was forever! @Pointlessblog @ZozeeBo @JonesRebecca'
Attached to the tweet was a picture. The sight of it made me want to vomit. Heat rushed to my face, my heart began to race, and suddenly I felt like there wasn't enough air in the room. I desperately wanted to shut the laptop, but for some reason I couldn't.
Alfie's arm was extended, clearly taking a selfie. He appeared to be standing in a street in New York, judging by background, and it looked like midday. None of that bothered me. It was the fact that he was standing with Rebecca Jones, and the two of them were kissing. And it wasn't just a peck on the lips.
At first I didn't know how to feel. Within seconds, my world had come crashing down at my feet. How was I supposed to react to that?
I should have wanted to scream and cry and let it all out, but nothing came. I wanted to yell at Alfie, yet I wanted to take back what if just seen, and more than anything I wanted it to be fake. To not be real. To just be some scarily good photoshop. But I knew it wasn't.
I felt numb from my head to my toes.
I exited the tweet and looked at another, my heart racing.
'ALFIE HOW COULD YOU!' It read, the picture attached again, with the three of us tagged.
'I trusted you'
'Go Alfie! Finally you ditched that bitch @ZozeeBo'
I scrolled through my notifications. They were all the same photo again and again and again, like it was haunting me, making it so I couldn't look away. I felt hot tears run down my cheeks, and there was the most horrible pain in my stomach, like someone was burning my insides out.
I thought I was going to be sick. Everything hurt, especially my heart, which felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly, over and over. How could he do this?
I quickly exited the feed and typed Alfie's Twitter username in the search bar, ignoring the suggestions reading 'Zalfie over', and 'Who is Rebecca Jones', and clicked straight on his profile.
His last tweet was posted 2 hours ago.
'There have been a lot of rumours lately, but I want to clear up that I am not with Rebecca Jones, nor do I ever intend to be'
This should have made me feel better, but instead it sparked an anger in my chest, one more powerful than anything I had ever felt before. It was if my heart had been ripped out, and replaced with a burning mess of madness and hatred. All I could think about was how much I despised Rebecca Jones, and how he didn't even bother to mention me, or to even try to contact me to explain. How dare he do this to me and just leave me unaware. How could he leave me to find out about this by looking online?
I searched Rebecca's page. She'd gained thousands of followers since I'd last seen it, and she'd tweeted several times in the last hour, but once I'd scrolled down, I quickly found the post that had clearly set this all off.
'Alfie Deyes is the sweetest guy in the world, and I love him to bits. Please don't go back to the U.K.'
And, of course, the photo was attached.
I exited the web browser, unable to think or breathe. But instead of shutting my laptop, I re-opened the search engine, and typed 'Alfie Deyes' into the bar. Part of my brain was screaming to stop, to not look anymore, but I was so mad that the irrational side had taken over.
'Alfie Deyes ditches superstar girlfriend Zoe Sugg for an American nobody'
I clicked on the link, taking me straight to a gossip website, and started to read the article.
Times have been tough for the two YouTube sensations, but apparently a trip to America is the straw that broke the camels back for the famous couple. It has been rumoured that the relationship had been deteriorating for some time, but sightings and now a photo have proven that Deyes hasn't found it hard to move on. There is no solid evidence yet, but it seems to be clear that 'Zalfie' is just not meant to be.
I left the page, so mad that I could practically feel smoke coming from my ears. The determination from last night had been replaced with a roaring fire, so strong that it took over my whole body.
I opened Skype and rang Alfie, the call connecting instantly.
"Zoe let me explain-"
"No I will bloody well not!", I shouted, so loud that it shocked even me, anger radiating from every pore. "What even is there to explain?! Oh let me guess, she caught you by surprise again?!"
"No, Zoe-"
"I can't believe you'd do this! After all we've been through! I trusted you!"
"I understand you must be angry-"
"Angry is the biggest shitting understatement you could ever bloody make!", I screamed, letting everything out. "You've made a fool out of me and yourself! I thought we were in love, I thought that we were going to be together for a very long time Alfie Deyes, but apparently not, if you can replace me with some blonde bitch! It says a lot doesn't it!" Tears were in full flow down my face, but I didn't care.
"That's not what happened", he said, clearly distressed. "She asked for a photo, and I gave her one"
"SHE ASKED FOR A PHOTO THEN KISSED YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!", I screamed, the fire breaking into a roaring explosion. "I TRUSTED YOU!"
"Zoe, please, you have to listen-"
"NO. I DONT", were the last words that escaped my mouth before I broke. The energy instantly drained out of me, and suddenly everything hurt, so much it was almost unbearable. "No I bloody don't" I felt so weak, so fragile, like I was made of glass and I'd just been thrown at a wall.
Alfie didn't even try to reply. He just looked so hurt, and so guilty. And that's when I knew. I knew exactly what I was about to say next, and before I could even process it, the words had escaped my lips.
"We're over"
I shut the laptop and curled up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest. The searing pain in my head pounded so much that I could be shot multiple times, and it couldn't hurt more than the burning that radiated throughout my body right now. I didn't know what to think, or feel. I just wanted everything to stop.