Many Miles Apart

47. Zoe

When I woke up, it was as if the whole world had been turned off. Everything was pitch black, everywhere I looked an empty oblivion. I couldn't seem to grasp hold of reality, it was almost as if I was floating through time and space, unaware of anything. All there was was darkness, a never ending, all consuming black. I was detached from my body, just a train of thought, struggling against the blinding emptiness. I couldn't remember anything, how I got into this trance-like state, how long I'd been here, or even why. I felt lost, trapped in nothingness, forever to remain alone. It was terrifying, yet peaceful. I was so afraid, yet so at ease, because here, wherever that may be, I was at last free of all of the burdens weighing down on me. For one moment, I was allowed to be happy, no matter how scared I was of the aloneness.
Then suddenly I was snatched out of my peace, tugged back into reality where everything hurt and all I could feel was pain. I became aware of the sheets bunched up in my clenched fists. I started to feel my body, starting at my fingers, until I could finally sense my whole being, with it my thoughts and memories. I was reminded of all of the things that I had been so glad to escape from. Sadness flooded through me, mingled with pain as I wiggled my toes, and slowly, I opened my eyes, wishing I could go back that calm, albeit terrifying blackness. But, as usual, the relief from this mess was only temporary, and here I was again.
The room around me was dark, darker than I'd expected, and there was no light spilling in through the windows as it had when I went to sleep.
Slowly I rolled over and looked at the clock. 8:26. Shit.
I leaped out of bed, realising that I was supposed to be with Alfie right now. Panic shot through my chest at the thought of what was to come, but I was even more worried about standing him up.
But what had happened to the time? It wasn't much past 7am when I went back to bed, and sleep had come pretty quickly after that. I had no recollection of dreaming, no recollection of anything really. I had no idea how long I'd been in the strange place for, but definitely didn't feel like all day. So what had happened to the 13 hours?
Quickly, I rushed to get ready, trying to put the thoughts about what had happened to the day behind me.
I hurried my makeup, trying to look nice but knowing I was a mess, throwing on the clothes I had worn yesterday.
Then I was in the car and heading towards Alfie's parents house before I even had time to think.
The rain thundered down on the windscreen, the spheres of water shattering on the glass pane as I sped through the night. The place was alive, even in this weather, but I couldn't take any of it in. I was just trying not to crash my car.
The streetlights shone on the wet pavements, the water glittering as I drove on. I felt sick, I couldn't draw breath and every second that passed seemed worse than the last. I wanted to pull over, just to stop to think, but I couldn't. I wanted to soak myself in the rain, let the coldness overcome me, and just hurt, out loud, not caring who saw me. I wanted to let out my pain, just scream and cry and shout up at the sky, but I had to keep going. I had to move forwards.
Then I arrived, pulling up outside Alfie's parents house. I didn't even realise where I was, or that I'd made it there, I couldn't even remember the journey, just the endless, searing  pain, but here I was.
I slowly climbed out of the vehicle and walked up to the front door of the house. Every step I took surfaced another memory, ones of Alfie and I in this house. The first time I met his parents, spending Easter and Christmases here, playing with Nala and Buzz in their garden, tucking into one of Amanda's amazing roasts. Every thought pierced my heart like a spear, but I kept going, the pain getting worse and worse until I was standing right on the doorstep.
I stopped, thousands of emotions rocketing through me. Alfie was behind this door. Alfie was in this house. Alfie was here.
But did I want to see him? Would it not make everything even harder?
I almost turned back, almost walked over to my car and drove home. Almost.
Then some mad part of me reached out and pressed the doorbell, instantly regretting it. But it was too late now.
The sound of the doorbell booming through the house sent shivers down my spine.
What felt like an eternity passed as I waited. There was no sound coming from the house, and for a second I thought that I'd missed them, but then I noticed movement in the living room.
The shadow moved towards the door window, a jagged outline in the translucent glass pane. I started to panic even more, desperate to run, but I knew that I couldn't. It was too late now.
Then Amanda was there, ushering me in. I registered her quietly greeting me, pulling me into a quick hug, but I didn't process anything she said. All I could think about was how Alfie was right round the corner. If I listened carefully enough I could probably hear him breathe.
Then I felt a tug at my arm as Amanda lead me to the doorway and then there he was, standing across the room, motionless.
He looked terrible. He was dressed in creased joggers and a stained top that seemed to hang off of his frame. His hair was a mess on his head, strands sticking up in all different angles. His eyes were red and he looked so tired, like I felt. I could see tears on his cheeks, and he seemed frozen to the spot. I could feel him taking me in, just like I was with him.
Despite his appearance, I felt my heart crack, as it seemed to flutter, well, burst out of my chest. I couldn't breathe properly, and I suddenly felt so hot, like the room was on fire. I wanted to run away, yet I never wanted to leave, because here he was. Standing there. Staring right at me. I remembered how, when we first started dating, I felt like the luckiest girl alive to have him actually loving me. Looking at me with all this emotion in his eyes. It was like that now, but different. So different.
I felt myself moving towards him, almost involuntarily, and then before I knew it I was in his arms. I was wrapped into his musky scent, listening to his heart beat, twice as fast as it normally would. I was filled with so many emotions, all at once.
Then I realised. What the hell was I doing?
Jumping backwards, I shoved him out of my grip, watching as he stumbled. Watching as I felt my heart shatter again remembering what he did. Remembering what I did. Watching as I waited for him to speak.