Many Miles Apart

37. Zoe

The bird was perched on the grass in front of me, chirping its cheerful tune, clearly unaware of my presence. It stood proudly on the lawn, it's blue chest sticking out like it was showing off, it's small head moving as it sang. It's voice was beautiful, each note perfect, and an involuntary grin grew on my face.
Then a bang from Jim and Tanya's kitchen echoed through the garden, and the bird flew away, taking its beauty, and my smile with it.
It had been two days since Alfie had rang, and after a few hours of crying and my friends worrying, I'd calmed down enough to explain what had happened. Since then I'd blocked the number and spent the days sat next to my mobile, waiting. I wasn't sure what for, partially because a bit of me was desperate for him to contact me again, part of me just wanted reassurance that he wouldn't call back.
The sun was warm on my skin, the grass soft on my bare feet, and the patio slabs that I was sat on hot under my hands. I was dressed in a long oversized shirt that I'd been using as my pyjamas, with a tiny pair of shorts underneath, so most of my legs were exposed to the warmth.
My phone buzzed, snapping me out of my trance. I froze. Glancing down at the screen, I noticed that it was a text from another unknown number.
Suddenly I felt cold all over, despite the warmth of the sun. Goosebumps covered my skin, causing me to shiver as I picked up the device and slowly opened the message.
Hi, it's Alfie,
The first three words made me feel like vomiting. I wanted to run, and continue running from all of my problems, but I knew that I couldn't live like that. I'd done it in the past and it never ended well.
I wanted to tell you personally, I'm coming home on Sunday. My flight lands at 3pm British time, and my dad will pick me up and I'll stay at my parents. Tanya told me you were staying at hers.
I still want to see you Zoe.
I won't try and contact you again until I get back.
The bluntness of the message hit me like a shock. He hadn't bothered with any of the 'I'm so sorry's or the 'I know you must be mad's this time, he'd just told me the facts and finished.
As well as the ache that it brought, confusion tingled inside of me, wondering what he meant by the lack of emotion. Was it that he'd given up? But then why would he bother at all? Maybe he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. But if that was the case, he wouldn't have said that he wanted to see me. I was so confused, and my head was spinning round and round as I stared at his words on the screen.
"Zoe do you want breakfast?", Tanya called out of the window. My head snapped around as I heard her. I was about to reply, but then something from the message surfaced in my mind.
Tanya told me you were staying at hers
What did that mean? She must have been talking to him. How much has she told him about what's going on? Has she told him how much this is hurting me? Is that why he wants to see me again, because he feels bad? Because he thinks he can get me back easily, because I'm a pushover?
All of the confusion quickly changed to anger.
"Tanya what did you say to Alfie!?", I shouted, getting up off of the patio and storming towards the window. I suddenly felt so unexplainably mad, like every emotion had just exploded into one torrent of anger.
"What?", she asked, seeming confused.
"You bloody well know what! I fumed. "What did you tell him?!"
"Who, Alfie? I'm allowed to speak to him you know?", she said, looking a baffled at my sudden outburst.
"How much does he know?!"
Tanya paused and took a breath, before walking round to the door and coming outside. She took my hands and looked at me straight in the eyes.
"Zoe, all I've been doing is keeping him up to date", she finally said. "No one else will speak to him after what he did to you. They're too mad at him for hurting you. He's been trying so hard to find a way to see how you are, to explain his side of the story, but I'm the only one that would reply"
I couldn't believe it. Of all of my friends, Tanya was the one I least expected to betray me. I felt hurt, like there was no one I could trust anymore.
"Why would you-?", I muttered, flinching away from her grip.
"Zoe", she tried, but I took another step backwards.
I felt like crying again, but I didn't want to seem weak anymore.
"Zoe, he was so desperate to know if you were okay, he really misses you"
I chocked down the sobs. All of my anger vanished. I suddenly felt so emotional, and all I wanted- though I hated to admit it- was for Alfie to take me into his arms and hug me. I wanted to feel his warmth, to hear his heartbeat, for him to tell me it would all be ok.
"I miss him too." The words escaped my mouth before I could think. I slapped my hand to my face, wishing I could take back the sentence, but knowing that they were true. A single tear rolled down my cheek, as Tanya pulled me close into a hug.
"Shhh, it's going to be ok", she cooed, stroking my hair like she was my mum. I didn't mind. I needed someone to hold me and tell me I was going to be alright. I felt like a child being reassured that it was all just a bad dream. Except it wasn't. I wished it could be.
"Come and get some food, you need to eat", she told me. "Plus I need to show you something"
Slowly I followed her back inside, still broken inside, leaving the sun behind me.

"Look at these", Tanya said, passing her phone to me as I ate a bowl of fresh fruit and yogurt.
I'd calmed down slightly since being outside, but I still just wanted for everything to stop. For the hurt and the pain to end. I was tired.
My gut instinct was to not look, but I was intrigued, and I wanted to know what was going on.
I took the device from her hand, and my first reaction was to drop it.
On the screen was Alfie's Twitter.
"Just read it", she said, clearly seeing the look on my face.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed away the pain and began to read.
The latest tweet had been posted a day ago, and was a continuation of a paragraph. There had been no other posts by him since the Skype call, so I slowly scrolled to the top of the series of messages, and began to read.
I know that you've heard a lot about certain things that have happened in my life recently, and I know that a lot of you are really upset at what I've done. I'm writing this message because I think that there are a few things that you deserve to know.
Firstly, I'm not trying to excuse myself from anything. What I did was wrong, and I'll never forgive myself for that. I just want you to understand that I never meant for this to happen.
Rebecca Jones is a colleague of mine whilst I am working in America. She is a co-worker, and nothing else.
I don't know whether she got the wrong end of the stick, but I made it clear that I was already in a relationship.
Events occurred, events that were meaningless, but there were posts on certain social media platforms that made these events out to be something they weren't.
I know there's been a lot of confusion about this, but I want to confirm that Rebecca Jones and I have never been or will never be in a relationship, and I never intended for us to be anything other than friends.
All that I can say is that I'm sorry for those that I hurt, and that I will do anything that I can to make it better.
I love you still, no matter what.
The tweets were addressed to the whole of Alfie's large following, but I knew straight away that he was talking directly to me. A shot of hope soared through me, followed by dread and confusion. What was I supposed to make of that?
Without looking up at Tanya, I opened the search bar, and typed in Rebecca Jones. Instantly her profile came up. Her number of followers had increased massively since last time I looked, and judging by the number of nasty tweets directed at her, I could tell that she was not popular. It gave me slight reassurance that so many others disliked her. As for me, I hated her.
Looking through her posts, I noticed that she had taken down everything to do with Alfie, which made me feel slightly better. In fact, every post since before he had arrived in America was gone, the most recent tweet dated weeks ago.
Locking the device, I placed the phone back in the table, a decision having formed in my mind. It was going to hurt, but I had to do it.
"Tanya", I said calmly. "I want to see him"