Many Miles Apart

19. Zoe

Alfie had been gone for a week, and I finally started to feel like maybe I could survive these three months. I missed him like hell, it felt like there was a piece of me missing, but the pain wasn't as bad as before, and I even had moments where I completely forgot how alone I was.
I'd eventually come to terms with the fact that moping around on my own wasn't going to help me adapt to living on my own, so after a day or so, I eventfully decided that I needed to socialise, to try and ease myself into normal life. I'd lived by myself before, so why couldn't I do it now?
In an attempt to settle down, I hadn't contacted Alfie in a few days, only talking through text just to let him know that I was alright. It was cruel, I know, but I found that every time I looked at his face on my computer screen, the reality of how truly isolated I was just sunk in. I'd call him in a few days, once I'd got to grips with my life now. I just needed some space.
And it seemed to be working. I kept myself so busy that in the day, I felt better, more like me. The only point in which I actually had time to think was going to bed at night, where I would cry myself to sleep- something that I couldn't avoid. It was lying there, on my own, the cold sheets wrapped around me and no Alfie to hold me close that I missed him the most.

I traveled down to London, to go and see Louise, getting the train so that I could read and listen to music. I hadn't been driving as much, taking trains and taxis if I could, because driving left me time to think, which was the last thing I wanted. Trains made me nervous, but that was better than the horrible feeling of aloneness. Anything was better than that.

As I walked up to knock on the front door, I heard small footsteps on the inside, and a small, excited voice shouting "Mummy, the door!", over and over. I laughed. Knowing that Darcy was there made me feel even better.
"Hey chummy!", I cried as the door swung open, Louise pulling me into a hug. I relished the feeling of being really close to another person. I missed it.
I felt a tug at my leg.
"Zoe!", Darcy shouted as I leant down to hug her too. I couldn't believe that she was already four years old, I'd known her since birth, watched her turn from an adorable tiny baby to the sweetest little girl. I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling that time had passed, and I'd missed it. Just let it go. It scared me a bit. 
Louise shut the front door, and scooped her daughter into her arms, ushering me into the living room.
She made me a cup of tea, and put a film on for Darcy to watch, and then we sat down on the sofa, and caught up on everything that we'd missed in each other's lives since we'd last talked.
There was so much to catch up on that I managed to avoid talking about Alfie, but eventually the inevitable question popped up.
"How have you been doing, since Alfie left?", my best friend asked.
My head dropped as my heart plummeted, and I suddenly found a very interesting spot to stare at on the cushion in my lap. Her large green sofa was big and cushy, and the room felt cosy, if not slightly cramped. The grand fireplace stood tall, with the television in the corner by the window. Darcy was running round dressed as Elsa from frozen, singing 'let it go" at the top of her lungs.
"I wish everyone would stop asking me that", I groaned. "I'm honestly fine, I don't even think about him that much", I told her.
Louise pulled a face.
"Chummy I'm not stupid, I know this must be hard, but it is natural to miss him, don't try to block him out", she said, taking my hand.
"I'm not blocking him...", I whispered, breaking down into tears before I could even finish my sentence, and not bothering to try and stop them. Within seconds, the salty water was in full flow, running down my face, ruining my makeup and dripping onto my grey t-shirt.
"Aww Zoe", said Louise, leaning forwards and wrapping her arms around me. I buried my face in her shoulder, and cried, letting all of the emotions that I'd been holding back flow out of me. "Darcy, would you go and play with your dolly in the kitchen please?", she asked, watching as her daughter skipped out of the room still humming, oblivious to what was going on.
Louise didn't press or say anything else, she just held me as I cried, my tears soaking her t shirt.
Eventually, when the tears began to stop, I pulled away, looking at the wet patch I'd left on her top. "Your shirt", I smiled weakly.
Louise looked at her arm.
"Don't worry about that", she told me. "I care about you way more than any old top"
"Chummy...", I whispered, more water flowing down my cheeks. I took a deep breath, wiped the tears away and exhaled, trying to calm down."I just miss him so much-", I attempted, my voice breaking into a massive sob. "I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him, wishing I could just have him back. I haven't spoken to him or answered his calls either, its stupid, but part of me is really mad at him for leaving me". I wiped my eyes, mascara rubbing off on my hand.
"Zoe, Its completely normal to miss Alfie, but you have to find a balance. Don't let yourself feel so bad that you won't do anything else, but you can't block him out completely either. Its going to be hard, but you have to stop blaming him, he hasn't done anything wrong. He misses you too, I promise you, and ignoring him is just going to hurt both of you even more", Louise said. I sighed, knowing she was right. "Call him tonight Zoe, you know you have to". The look on her face said it all. Then she pulled me closer again, and held me until I could cry no more.

We spent the rest of the day in Louise's house, chatting and watching Frozen over and over with Darcy. I had a great time, but everything seemed to be tarnished with the knowledge that I would have to talk to Alfie. Half of me was excited to be able to speak to him again, but I was scared, scared about whether he would have forgotten about me since I hadn't been talking to him, or that he would have had enough of me and run off with some dumb American blonde. It was stupid, but it was all that I could think about.

It reached 5pm, and I knew that if I didn't tell him now that I was going to speak to him, then he wouldn't know, as he'd be busy.
Pulling out my phone, I clicked on Alfie's number, and sent a quick text telling him that I wanted to talk. His  reply appeared on the screen almost as soon as my finger pressed send.
Im free all evening, call me whenever you want
I turned my phone off, vowing to contact him as soon as I reached home.

The skype call connected almost instantly, and within seconds I was staring at Alfie's perfect face. All the emotions I'd been bottling up just exploded out of where I'd been hiding them, and I suddenly felt like bursting into tears and telling him that he had to come home because I couldn't survive without him. Instead, I sat in silence, waiting for him to tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
He smiled.
"I love you so much Zoe", he whispered. Then his grin faded. "Why have you been ignoring me?"
I sighed, feeling a mix of emotions rampaging around my body. I held back the tears, and replied quietly. "I miss you too much, and I was worried that you'd be having too much of a good time without me. I know its stupid, but I was afraid that you didn't want anything to do with me anymore"
I watched his face fall, and his happiness be replaced by confusion.
"You know that that would never happen in a million years. You are the only person I could ever imagine being in a relationship with, because Zoe Elizabeth Sugg I am madly in love with you. Please don't even think anything like that for even one second", he paused. "You do realise that I haven't stopped thinking about you since I watched you leave the airport. I've been acting happy whenever I've spoken to you, to stop you from feeling bad"
I suddenly felt a knot forming in my stomach.
"It was all an act?", I whispered.
"Yes you numpty, did you really think that I wasn't missing you like crazy? I thought that my constant texting would be enough to show you that"
I took another deep breath.
"Alfie, do you want me to stop talking to you, so that you can have a good time without me to worry about?"
He frowned. "Don't be stupid! Seeing you every day is what is keeping me functioning Zoe!"  He tone was angry and frustrated, and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and just stop thinking. I knew I was being stupid, but everything that either of us said sent a stab of pain through my heart.
"Zoe?", he asked, when I didn't reply.
"Zoe?"