Many Miles Apart

33. Zoe

"Alfie's coming home"
Jim was sat formally in his chair, hands on his lap, feet planted on the floor. His face was one of sorrow and sadness, but I could also see another emotion, one that I wasn't used to seeing in his eyes. Anger.
Tanya, sat at the end of the table, had her hand slapped across her mouth, concern plastered across her face.
I felt numb. I didn't know what to do or to say or to think. It was if I was detached from the world, detached from myself, just watching the life of someone I don't know through the eyes of someone I don't know.
"No", I whispered eventually.
Nothing else would come from my mouth. No words, no sound.
"That was his mum on the phone. His flight lands on Sunday morning. He's planning on staying with them until he something can be sorted", Jim continued, his voice monotonous.
"No", I repeated, choking on the word, spitting it out like it was a sour taste.
"I'm so sorry", he whispered, his face falling.
"I...it can't. He can't-", I burbled, not sure what to do. Deep down, I knew that it was the most obvious thing to do, but I needed him to stay there. Because that way I'd be able to slowly get to grips with everything. But now I had no time. No time at all.
Everything around me just made me think of him. His sofa, where we'd spent countless evenings watching tv, the photos, capturing moments of sheer happiness, the ornaments that sat on the surfaces, the whole house that we'd chosen together.
And the strangest thing was, as much as I was desperate to never see him again, all that I wanted was for him to be sat in his chair next to me, holding my hand, telling me how much he loved me. I could almost see him there, his perfect smile lighting up his face, his ruffled hair standing on end. I could feel his fingers, soft and strong, intertwined with my own.
"I don't know what to say", Jim said, breaking the silence. "Is there anything we can do?"
Silence hung over the room, Alfie still grinning at me, whispering in my ear. I knew he wasn't real, but I couldn't help but feel like he was here, next to me, right now.
"Take me to your house. Please. I can't stay here. I need to leave", I quickly said, whipping my head away from the empty seat. All of the emotions that hadn't come initially came flooding back, a whirlwind of knives stabbing me in the chest, over and over. Longing filled my heart.
I got up out of my chair and headed to the stairs, the room vanishing behind me as I climbed the steps, and with it went the image of Alfie conjured by my own mind.

Around half an hour later, I'd packed a small bag with enough clothes in to last for a few days, and a couple of other bits that I might need, avoiding anything that reminded me of Alfie.
I was sat in the back of Tanya's car, Nala curled up in my lap, ready to be dropped off at Alfie's parents with Buzz, the others in the front. Despite her warmth, I felt cold all over, like I was being torn apart. I hadn't left the house for days, and it was as if I was leaving a part of me behind, and letting go of what we had.
Tanya pulled up outside Alfie's parents house, and Jim opened the door for me and Nala to climb out. I was going to miss her, but keeping here with me was impractical.
"Do you want me to take Nala?", he asked, reaching out to take her things.
"I'll be fine", I smiled feebly, walking up to the door, emotions running rampant through me, racking my brains and making me dizzy. I felt sick and hot all over at the thought of seeing Alfie's parents. What would they think? What would they say? The sickness got worse, to the point that I thought I would throw up there and then. I couldn't do it.
Turning on my heel, I ran back to the car and thrust everything into Jim's arms, not caring when he nearly fell over, not caring that Nala was tangled around her lead, not caring about anything.
Then I ran. I ran faster and faster without stopping, turning corners and legging it down lanes and roads. My lungs burned and my head span, but still I ran, not knowing where I was going. I bumped into a man, but I still didn't stop. I heard my name countless times as I headed through the town, called by people that I didn't know, but seemed to know me.
"I'm sorry"
"Why did it have to be like this"
"Zoe I love you so much and Alfie is a dick"
Every apology made me want to scream. Why was it their business anyway? My eyes filled with tears, I was practically running blind, but at least I couldn't feel anything. I didn't have the capacity to feel anything else.
Before I knew it, I was on the beach, out of breath, every muscle in my body aching. I slowed, still moving, not wanting to stop for fear of emotion hitting me, but I was so tired, and very quickly I stumbled on a pebble and my legs gave way beneath me.
Panting, I collapsed in a heap, the stones digging into my body like hundreds of daggers. A sob escaped my mouth, and in seconds my frame was shaking as I cried.
I curled up into a ball, pulling my legs into my chest, the waves lapping at my toes. Water seeped into my clothes, sending shivers down my spine, but I ignored the cold.
Time passed, I don't know how long. It could have been seconds, or even hours, but the next thing that I knew, I could hear my name being called.
It was quiet over the sound of the sea, but I could make the word. In that moment I hated it. I hated my name. I hated my identity. I hated myself. I hated being known, I hated having everything in the open. I just wanted to be normal. To blend in. To be able to be upset without hundreds of people trying to sympathise.
Then it hit me. It was almost as if I'd run straight into a brick wall.
I didn't have to do this anymore. I didn't have to feel this pain. I didn't have to let them get to me. I was tired of acting for the cameras. I was tired of everything.
Slowly I sat up, hope burning like a fire inside, but not one that consumed my insides like before, one that fuelled me on.
I climbed off of the bumpy ground and stood up, surveying how wet I was.
The whole of my left side was soaked, the black denim of my jeans rubbing against my skin, my shirt stuck to my side, it's whiteness faded and dirty from the massive water patch.
I pulled my jacket closer, shivering in the sea breeze, the freezing fabric making the cold even worse.
"Zoe?!", I heard, even louder this time. It sounded as if it were coming from behind me, and, as much as the small, sad part of me wanted to turn and run, I headed over to the person, the flame burning brighter with every step.
"ZOE?!", the voice called, this time deeper and more familiar.
"Marcus?", I said quietly, more to myself than anyone else, wondering what on earth he was doing on Brighton beach. Why would Marcus be all the way down here?
"Zoe!", he cried, running over and pulling me into a hug.
"Marcus!", I squeaked, wrapping my arms tightly around his large torso. It felt odd hugging a man. It just reminded me of holding Alfie.
"What are you doing here?", I smiled, trying to make myself seem as happy as possible. The fire still burned.
"I came to see you", he replied, grinning. "Jim and Tanya had invited me over as a surprise. In fact I was heading back to their house as I heard you were going back there when Tan rang me saying you'd gone." His smile morphed quickly into a frown. "Why did you run off?", he asked. Then his tone changed again. "Are you ok after..." He trailed off.
"I'm not ok, but I have to be", I said. My heart sank again, but I wasn't going to let it hurt me anymore. "Have you called Jim, we need to get back"
Marcus stared at me for a moment, looking into my eyes as if trying to figure something out.
"Will do", he finally said.