Aiming for Hades

19

He drove me home.

He even insisted if I need him, he can just stay or I can stay in his condo but I refused. I need to think. I need to be alone. He understands it and respected my decision. Pagkauwi, sinalubong ako ni Nanay.

She was smiling, her usual face whenever she'll see me.

My Mom... Who carried me when I was still a baby. Hindi lahat ng ina ay gano'n. Hindi lahat ng ina, ay nagagampanan talaga ang pagiging 'ina' sa mga anak nila. Hindi lahat ng ina ay 'ina' talaga. Being a Mother is a responsibility. You're not a mother just because you got pregnant. Just because you had or have a child.

It wasn't anything like that.

It was when you raise your child in a proper way. It was when you actually become a 'mother'.

And my mother... did that to me.

She was with me when things got chaotic. She was with me when I didn't know what to do, especially when I was still a child. And even now. She was with me through everything. She was always with me.

She raised me damn well. I know, she did. She made a shelter which became my comfort place. She did every single thing she have, right now, and I know it's all for me.

"Nay..." pagod kong niyakap siya.

She chuckled and hugged me tightly.

Sa pagkakataong 'yon, tuluyan na naman akong umiyak at nagpadala sa emosyong nararamdaman. The way she hugged me... it was so precious. The way she cared for me... Everything. Kaya naman...

Kaya naman... Paano ko mahuhusgahan si Nanay?

Hindi ko kaya.

Para makuha ang isang lalaki... Doon ko napagtanto kung paano naging kami ni Hades. Para makuha ko... siya... kung ano-ano rin ang ginawa ko, 'di ba? Para makuha ko si Hades... pinilit kong alalahanin ang lahat kahit ang dami ko nang naiisip. Dinadamdam ko ang yakap ni Nanay.

Kung ano-anong ginawa ko. Inasar ko siya. 'Parang' inagaw ko rin siya mula roon sa nililigawan niya. Lumipat siya ng school para lang iwasan ako! Kahit pa sinabi niya sa 'kin ang dahilan... alam kong ayaw niya rin naman no'n... Nangealam ako! Masyado akong nangealam!

She raped my boyfriend just to make him hers! She's that fucking desperate! You're a fucking sin!

I also became... desperate. I was desperate for Hades' attention! Na kahit umalis siya, 'yon ako, at pinipilit pa rin kami! Na kahit sinabi niya sa 'king hindi naman niya ako gusto, pinipilit ko, kasi gusto siya! I clearly remember what Hades' told me... but then. But then! If you look at the bigger picture, I was wrong for it! I was... I became so... fucking desperate!

Just... like... my Mom.

See?! You're a fucking whore! A flirt! Like your goddamned mother!

If Hades didn't like me back then... Will I be that... desperate... and do things like that? Like my Mom...

Blood is thicker than water. It proves well that I'm a daughter of my Mom. No matter how I avoid the fact that I don't wanna judge my Mom. What she did is... beyond every bad thing. I was harassed. I was traumatized by harassment. And my Mom... raped... my father?

Gusto kong isiping hindi iyon totoo.

Paano nga kung hindi 'yon totoo?

Will that explain why my Mom doesn't wanna talk about my father? Will that explain why my Tita doesn't tell the whole story why my Lola hated my Mom? Will that explain why Tita Demeter... is so mad at me?