Aiming for Hades

25

I feel like my body became dead.

Hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi ako makakilos. Pinatay ko ang tawag dahil masiyado akong nabibingi sa problema. Lumapit sa 'kin ang lalaki sa harapan... na... siyang Tatay ko... at hinawakan ang kamay ko.

"Janela..." his eyes became teary.

"Oh my god..." ani Gia.

Pumatak ang luha ni... Tatay. My heart fluttered. I... I felt complete. Tatay... Ni Tatay... Ang sarap na may natatawag kang Tatay... I used to cry because he left. I used to cry because I hated him so much. But now that I felt the tears coming out of my eyes, I knew it wasn't hate. I knew it wasn't because he left and never said any words ever since.

"T-Tay..." that was all I can say.

Tatay... Ang sarap ngang may natatawag na gano'n. At the moment, I feel complete. I feel so complete! I feel like I'm Janela Schuyler Guevara... the real one. The complete one.

Hindi ako agad nakaalis sa kinatatayuan. Malapit pa rin si... Tatay... na hawak pa rin ang kamay ko. Umakma siyang yayakapin ako at hindi ako umalma. I felt the warmth of his embrace. I felt so... safe. I felt so free. I feel so complete.

Bagay na ibang-iba na kapag si... Nanay... ang kasama ko.

I suddenly felt guilty again but then, I didn't know what to do. Maging ako rin naman, hindi alam kung paano ko mapipigilan na gano'n ang nararamdaman ko.

My... father's embrace grew tighter. I feel so warm. I feel so comforted through the cold I felt. Lalo sa nakaraang buwan. Though, I am now kind of okay with my relationship with Hades, the coldness I felt within those days were still there, if I think of it. It's still living in me. Kaya ngayong nararamdaman ko ang yakap... ng... Tatay ko...

Napansin ko ang pagkabasa ng bandang ulo ko. Narinig ko rin ang hikbi ni... Tatay. Masiyado siyang matangkad kaya halos nasa ulo ko ang baba niya habang nakayakap sa 'kin.

"I'm sorry, anak... I'm so sorry, Janela..." he cried.

What he said pains me. Bakit... Bakit siya pa anh nag-so-sorry? Hindi ba dapat ako? Hindi ba dapat... si Nanay? Napatingin ako sa sahig ng hallway ng pinanggalingan naming C.R.. I cried, too. Gia was just stunned beside me.

Kumalas si Tatay sa yakap at tiningnan ako. He scanned my whole body like he's searching if I have wounds or something.

"T-Tay..." I uttered, still can't believe that my... my own father is standing in front of me! "S-Si... si N-Nanay... n-nalaman k-ko pong..." I cried more.

I can't say it.

Though, I know, I need to, because I feel so guilty that I hated him without even knowing what really happened... I know I need to say it to him! Pero hindi ko iyon matuloy-tuloy. I feel so ashamed of it! I feel so fucking ashamed... ni hindi ko iyon ginawa! Pero ako 'yong hiyang-hiya habang inaalala ang lahat!

Although my vision was kinda blurry, I looked at my father's face, who's also crying. He smiled.

His face really looks foreign. At... At tama si Tita Demeter, ang mga mata ni Tatay ay nakuha ko. It resembles my eyes... or to be exact, I do. I resemble his eyes. Hindi ko alam kung ilang taon na siya. Ni hindi ko alam kung ano o saan siya nagpunta matapos ang nangyari! Pero ngayon, mukha siyang matanda na. Parang... noong tiningnan ko lang si Nanay.

They both looked old. Kita na ang wrinkles. Kita na ang medyo kulubot na balat.

Nagulat ako sa pagngiti niya pero agad akong nangiti rin.

"The past buries itself, anak." he smiled in a more comfortable aura.

It hit me a bit but I remembered my trauma. It's in the past but it was never buried. It was in the past but it still haunts me. Kaya... Baka hindi. Baka sinasabi niya lang 'yon dahil ayaw niyang mas mahiya ako. Baka naaawa lang siya sa 'min. The thought pains me.