Aiming for Hades

21

"T-Tita... Tita, 'wag naman p-po ang t-trabaho ko..." that was the words that first came out of my mouth.

Paano na lang kami ni Nanay? May natira pa naman sa perang ibinigay sa 'min ni Tatay pero para 'yon sa pag-aaral ko... Thinking of the money that my father gave us made my heart broken. Iyon ay kung hindi pa ba 'yon nadudurog sa mga nagdaang araw.

My father... who I know I hated. Hindi ko lang naman inaamin noong una, e! Wala naman akong pakealam sa kanya... Pero gaya ng sinabi ko, noong bata ako, alam kong may kulang. Merong kulang sa buhay ko. Wala akong Tatay! Kaya... Kaya... naisip ko ring kamuhian ang Tatay ko.

If he can't deal with the responsibility and just left a great amount of money for me, then what the fuck is him, right?

Ano siya? Kailangan namin ng pera niya at kahit ma-pride kaming tao, ibinaba namin 'yon, dahil kailangan namin ng pera! Galit na galit ako noong malaman ko 'yon mula kay Nanay. I was so mad because... because how can my father just leave me... with that money there... like I was just a piece of responsibility that he can get rid of once he gave me money?

Nabibili na 'ko? Kaya ba 'kong bilhin gamit ang pera?

Galit na galit ako. Tangang-tanga ako sa ginawa niya. I just say I don't care but I know, deep in my heart, it was just hidden. I lived in deep hatred towards my father.

Kung kaya niya akong iwan na parang binayaran lang ang responsibilidad niya sa 'kin, kaya ko rin siyang kamuhian! Kaya ko rin siyang hindi isipin! Kaya ko rin... Kaya ko ring hindi na mangealam sa kanya! Ano? Kaya ko rin 'yon...

But now that all of the sugarcoated truth has vanished and the complete truth revealed itself...

How can I... How can I hate my father that much? I know nothing! I didn't shared any of his pain! How painful... How painful can that be? He was raped! He was sexually abused! By whom? By whom, huh?! By the one who cared for me! By the one...

By the one who I fucking love so much... that I would never do anything that would break her. I would never do anything that will make her feel pain. I would never!

She taught me the things I need to know. She taught me how cruel this world is and she have always made me remember that I have her. No matter how cruel life might be. I have her. And damn, she have me! I would always be there for her.

Kaya naman... Kaya naman ang malaman... Kahit ilang araw na o Linggo ang nakalipas noong malaman ko... na... na ni-rape niya ang sarili kong Tatay... na... galing ako sa kasalanan niya...

Fuck it, I was sexually harassed! I didn't tell her I was sexually harassed because I don't want her to be harassed by that man as well! Ayaw ko... sa mga makakapagpahamak sa kanya... Harassment... It was the one who gave me trauma. I couldn't sleep well because I would always, always wonder if the man will visit me...

I couldn't sleep well because I feel like the man is chasing me. I couldn't... I feel like he's always gonna come after me! So I didn't tell anyone. I didn't. I became so quiet! Nito ko lang nalaman na trauma na iyon! Nito lang... At noong napagtanto ko ang lahat... I hated every single person who harasses one another.

I hated them. I never did understand why they would do that. No... I never did.

"N-No..." I remember what I would always say whenever I will wake up from a bad dream. Sa kwarto ko. Suddenly, I remembered Hades' words about my room.

And for a fleeting moment, it comforted me.

Hades... Saka ko pa lamang siya naisip muli. Nasaan siya ngayon? Hindi siya nag-text sa 'kin, ah? Anong ginagawa niya? Wala na sa kanya ang kompanya nila! Nasasaktan ba siya ngayon?