Aiming for Hades

22

"Ano 'yon, Janela? Bakit daw?!" my three friends keeps on asking when I just found myself crying again because of the phone call.

Wala na talaga ako sa katinuan. Hindi ko na alam ang mga nangyayari. Para akong nakalutang at walang ibang naiisip kundi ang mga problema.

Love shouldn't hurt, Janela... my Mom once told me.

Bata pa ako no'n. Mga matapos siguro ang trahedyang nangyari sa 'kin. Sinabi niya iyon sa 'kin nang mabigo ako sa una kong pag-ibig. But as soon as I have heard of it, I disagreed with it.

I totally... disagree with it.

Loving can hurt.

Loving can break you. Loving can be so painful. It's fine that way. I mean, it really is because it's just normal to get hurt. It's so normal to feel hurt. It comes with every single thing. That's why if you say that love shouldn't hurt, you're like saying that you shouldn't cry when watching dramatic movies. It is fine to cry. It is fine to get hurt.

As long as you're crying for the right reason.

It's okay to be hurt. It's okay to fall. But if we fall, may we fall for the right reason.

Just like watching movies, watching wasn't the one who hurt you. It was the movie itself. Iyong laman ng movie. But just by watching it? No. It's okay to get hurt. It's fine. There's nothing wrong with it.

There will be, if pain overrules love.

Love can hurt. But if the pain overrules love, is it still worth it?

Sa sitwasyon namin ni Hades... Mahal na mahal ko siya. Hindi niya ako sinasaktan. I got hurt with him on our first encounters but when we started it, there were no pain. All I can see is Hades, making me feel loved. All I can feel is Hades' love for me.

But now... The tables have turned. Seeing our situation right now hurts. This is too much.

Kaya naman... masasabi ko bang mali ito?

Mali na ba ito?

Kailan ko masasabing mali ito?

I cried more. It can hurt as long as it isn't overruling love. Pero... Pero ngayon? Saan kami... Saan kami dinadala ng pag-ibig? Isn't this too fucking much to bear? Nawawalan na kami ng trabaho! Nasasaktan na kami!

Hinagod ni Gia ang likod ko habang pababa kami sa kotse ni Harry. Nakarating na kami sa bahay at wala silang balak iwanan ako. Wala naman din akong imik dahil sabi ni Nanay, wala siya ngayon at alam kong kailangan ko ng kasama. Gabi at kahit nasa labas pa lamang kami nila Gia, madilim sa loob.

"Wala ba si Tita?" Kendall asked. "Ang dilim ng loob n'yo... Mukhang walang tao."

I didn't speak. I can't. I'm still too lost.

Binuksan ko ang pintuan at gagamitin ko pa sana ang susi ko nang mapansing hindi naman iyon naka-lock.

"Why?" Harry asked.

All I can do is shake my head. Tuluyan na akong pumasok at nakita ko ang dalawang ilaw mula sa sala. Galing sa kandila. Kahit pa medyo madilim, kita ko ang nakapaskil sa dingding na... Na...

Gusto ko na namang maiyak!

Happy Birthday, Janela!

'Yon... ang... nakapaskil... Nakita ko ang gulat na mga mata ni Nanay galing sa pagkakahiga sa maliit naming sofa. May hawak-hawak siyang pamaypay. Kumunot ang noo ko at pinilit ang sariling magsalita. Ano na naman ang nangyayari?!

"Nay," I called my mother.

"J-Janela, anak..." tumayo siya at tiningnan ang mga nasa likod ko. "Gia... Kendall... Harry... N-Nandito pala kayo..."