Aiming for Hades

24

"I'm happy that all's back to normal now..." Gia told me.

I smiled at her. Wala naman ngayon si Harry at Kendall dahil may kanya-kanyang inaasikaso. A month went on and I realized that everything's really back to normal. Napapaniwala siguro talaga namin si Tita Demeter na nag-break kami ni Hades.

On our free days, Hades and I would meet. We'll talk about how our days went. We'll talk about every single thing that matters and even about the things that don't. We'll have sex. We'll do everything we want to do. Wala na akong inintindi kundi ang kasiyahan kapag makikita ko siya. Kahit patago lang.

My mind becomes blank when I'll think about the others things.

"Except that you two are now hiding your relationship... Isipin mo na lang, lowkey kayo, 'di ba?" Gia chuckled.

I did, too. Masaya ako pero mayroon pa rin siyempreng bumabagabag sa 'kin. Umiling ako kay Gia. "Hindi ko alam kung kailan magiging maayos ang lahat..." I uttered unconsciously.

"Hmm... Magiging maayos din ang lahat." ani Gia, seryosong nakatingin sa 'kin.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

Sana nga...

"Kinausap ako ni Nanay tungkol sa... nangyari dati," I told Gia.

She became shocked. "Ano raw? Anong sinabi ni Tita?"

"Wala... I don't know. She told me she was really desperate that time... She said sorry. I don't know, really. Hindi ko na kasi siya tinatanong pa tungkol doon kasi ayaw ko namang pilitin siyang magsalita. She told me she had a mental illness that time... I don't want her to push herself talking about it."

"But... Isn't that great? At least ngayon, nagkaalaman kayo! No more secrets between you and Tita!" Gia cheered me up.

Actually, after I heard my mother told me the truth, though I felt relieved that she's healing from the past, on the other hand... I felt empty.

I don't even know! I love her dearly... I love her so much. I want to protect her! I know I proved that on the past days and months that went by. I love her so so much. But suddenly... I just find myself feeling empty whenever with her.

I hated it. I want to talk to her like how I used to but I can't because of some things. I hated it so much!

Surely, I feel happy whenever I'll see Hades or I'll hangout with my friends. I am happy. I am living a life that wasn't as hard as how the past month treated me. It's all going back to normal, yes, but now with my Mom... I feel so empty. I feel so fucking empty.

I love to see her healing from the past. I love her so much. She knows that!

But to remember my trauma... and what she did... I feel so bad about it. I feel so wrong. So... empty.  I hated it. I hated the feeling. Though, she treats me the same, I feel like I'm not living with my Mom anymore.

I feel like I'm living with a criminal.

Lumayo ang loob ko nang lumapit ang katotohanan.

I hated the feeling. I fucking hated it so much. Naisip ko siguro dahil kahit si Nanay ang iniisip ko noong mga nakaraang buwan, hindi kami nabigyan ng pagkakataong mag-usap noong mga oras na nadudurog ako. O ang masama pa, hindi ko binibigyan ng oras. I became so busy with dealing about it. Siguro... Siguro, mali ko 'yon.

Kaya ngayong lumalayo ang loob ko kay Nanay... Sobrang sakit. My heart was tearing apart when my Nanay will cook for me and I won't even feel thankful for it. My heart was being tortured when my Nanay will make a joke and I won't laugh naturally. It was so awkward. So... uncomfortable.