Aiming for Hades

26

TW: Suicide, anxiety, depression, words

I couldn't sleep at night.

I feel like dying. My friends and my parents took me home. I don't even know if my Nanay and Tatay talked. I don't even know if my friends already have eaten dinner. But they were all worried about me. I became silent the whole time.

I couldn't talk to anyone.

I really have been so selfish for the past months. To remember Tita Demeter's eyes as I saw horror in it when she heard that I'm pregnant. To remember Hades being so worried about Tita Demeter... Ako ang may kagagawan no'n! Magagalit sa 'kin si Hades! Paano kung... Paano kung mas may masamang mangyari kay Tita? I can't! I can't.

Dapat, noong nagdesisyon akong makipaghiwalay na kay Hades, ginawa ko na! Dapat hindi na ako nagpadala sa nararamdaman ko... Tama nga ako noon, hindi ako mapapakain ng pagmamahal na 'to! Hindi kami mapapakain nito. Hindi kami mabubuhay ng payapa! Hindi kaya ng pag-ibig na bigyan kami ng payapang buhay! Laging may balakid. Laging kailangan bawal.

Hope for a good tomorrow, they say.

But I know, as long as we're still together, there were no good tomorrow waiting for us.

Hindi kami makakaasa na may magandang bukas. Hindi ko na kayang isipin lang ang sarili kahit pa halos lahat ng taong nakapaligid sa 'min ay apektado. I could never survive a life where my love was raped. I could never survive a life where I was raped. I could never survive a life where I raped someone and is currently regretful about it.

I could never survive. I could never live.

To share Tita Demeter's burden, to have your loved one raped and saw how they turned their back on you. How my father put up my safety first rather than filing a case for my mother... If I were Tita Demeter, I would never survive. I would be as good as dead. Me, filing a case for the person who raped him and him, rejecting it because he knew that she was pregnant with his child... I would never survive!

Kaya naiintindihan ko na... Mas naiintindihan ko na. Tita Demeter survived that life. My father survived. My mother survived.

On the other hand, if I were them, I wouldn't.

Well, after all, we all have our own lifes to live.

They survived theirs. Maybe... Maybe it is really true that He won't give you something you can't handle, huh? But then again, with my own lifex is this something I handle?

Parang hindi nauubos ang luha ko.

Patuloy pa rin ako sa pag-iyak. Naiintindihan ko silang lahat... Naiintindihan ko... At the moment, I also understood what I did the last time I decided to break up with Hades. Maybe, I became selfish but it was because there where I am happy. It's the part of my life where I can be happy. Completely.

In the middle of these thoughts, I became comforted by the thought that I also understand myself.

I remembered Tita Demeter's eyes again when she heard that I was pregnant.

It really was the exact same thing whenever my past will haunt me. Maybe... Maybe she thought that the history's repeating itself. Maybe she thought that she would go in the same dark place she've gone through again. Maybe. And again, I would never survive that life.

So live, Tita Demeter.

And I will go far away.

My decisions were now solid. Patuloy man sa pagpatak ang mga luha ko na tila wala na akong alam kung hindi ang umiyak, sigurado na ako ngayon. Siguradong-sigurado na ako. I will get out of Hades' life. I will get out of Tita Demeter's life. I will bring my mother with me... We will go anywhere far. Anywhere. Basta malayo. Basta mawawalan kami ng koneksyon sa mga Xavier.