Aiming for Hades

30

After some minutes of freaking out, I realized that I shouldn't.

Nasaan na 'yong sinabi kong may posibilidad na may iba na siya ngayon? Maapektuhan ko pa ba siya? And I meant, malamang, mayroon na siyang iba! Galit nga siya sa 'kin, e, 'di ba?

But after I have thought of that, I realized, it was me who is affected.

I am still affected.

Tiningnan ko ang inosenteng mukha ni Ares. Nasa bahay na kami ngayon at nasa kwarto ko kami. He's playing with his tablet, watching some cartoons on YouTube and is cuddling with me. Nakaupo siya habang hawak-hawak ang tablet sa kanang kamay at nakahilig sa 'kin. I can't help but get amazed by him. Literally all of him.

I can still remember the days that I'm still breastfeeding him... the day when he said his first word which is 'Mom' by the way! The days where all he did was cry and I don't know how to make it stop... Luckily, my friends, Gia, Kendall, and Harry was there. Papalit-palit kami nang pagpapatulog sa kanya. Pagpapa-dede. Pagkarga Kung ano-ano.

And me... when he's asleep... I will kiss him gently and stare at his face.

This child is mine. I would always get amazed by the thought. Papaanong sa 'kin siya? He looks like an angel while me, his mother... I don't know. He's my angel. Totoo iyong sinabi ni Nanay. Naramdaman at naranasan ko na.

"M-Make it stop, please... p-please..." I will whisper my thoughts as I'm weeping beside my son.

Isang Linggo pa lang niya noon sa 'kin. He's asleep that time and I don't wanna wake him up so I'm trying my best to stop crying. It hurt so much. I miss Hades... To see my son's face... I miss him so much!

"H-Hades... L-Love me, again... w-when I come back... or if I-I would... please..."

I can't stand it. Tumabi ako lalo sa anak kong natutulog. Bigla siyang umiyak! Nagulat ako at pinagalitan ang sarili, nagising ko siya! I calmed him down and whispered some lullabies to make him sleep again, not minding if it sounds so hurt because of my crying voice. Ares went back to sleep but he moved his head, just enough to make me see his face.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at nilaro-laro 'yon. Iyak pa rin ako ng iyak. Baby... miss na miss ko na ang Daddy mo... Naisip kong balang araw, maghahanap siya no'n. Hahanapin niya ang Daddy niya! Anong sasabihin ko? Ano kayang idadahilan ko? Ang hirap isipin ng sagot!

Pinilit kong hindi roon i-focus ang isip ko para hindi ko pa maisip.

I cried harder but I made not loud so I can make my son sleep. Ang sarap sabunutan ng sarili ko dahil hindi pa rin ako matigil sa pag-iyak kahit nagising ko na si Ares kanina! Ang sarap bulyawan ng sarili ko para sa naiisip na katangahang may babalikan pa ako kay Hades!

I continued playing with my son's hand.

Ares... Ares, mahal ko... tama ba ang desisyong pinilit kong buhayin ka kahit hindi ako marunong?

He, then, held the finger I'm using to play with his hand.

I was stunned. But I feel so great about it. I feel like, with that, he just answered. I don't know what's the exact answer, though, but I'm hoping. I'm really hoping that it's a good one. I cried again but it wasn't hurt that I'm feeling.

My son... Ares... I would love you 'til my death. There's no forever but I just know that I would love you forever, baby. For a lifetime.

Because you're mine. You're my son...

"Grandma's right, love," I whispered at Ares even if he's busy watching.

It caught his attention, though. Inosente siyang tumingin sa 'kin, nakakunot ang noo.