Destined

"Mo Anam Cara"

The horror on Gaisgeil's face turned in a swift motion to anger. I saw his growing disappointment in me.

"This is cruel, Callida. You really want me to choose between the woman I love and my own flesh? My son?", he accused in a low voice.

I felt a pang of guilt. I knew, my ultimatum was heartless and cruel. But I had to know his decision. Than....only than could I make mine.

Gaisgeil analyzed my face for any signs that I am joking or testing him to prove his commitment. Like in a trial: 'make the right choice than you'll win an award'. So I kept my face as neutral as I could.

He groaned painfully. His hands clasped the back of his head in a gesture of despair and helplessness.

Suddenly his hands reached out for me. „Mo ghaoil, please, don't force me to make such a decision. This isn't right."

My destined touched my hands tenderly, kissing my knuckles. "Don't you see...either way I choose, we'll both lose something precious that's irreplaceable."

His eyes pled with me. „If I choose you, I'll lose my son and be a miserable father, always hurting inside. If I choose my child, I lose YOU, my destined. How could I ever be happy again?"

I lowered my head in shame for what I put him through. I was torturing my destined.

He nodded in my direction. "And you? You'll have to live with the guilt to have forced this decision. To see your destined unhappy. I'll start to resent you. We'll start to hate each other...please, don't let that happen."

I raised my head again, my face stony. "You think, I am happy to be a stepmother? To play house with you and your child? And what about Blaithin? She is the mother of your child and will always be a part of your live. But in mine she'll be a thorn in my side, remembering me every day of your betrayal."

I saw how he shrank hearing my words, how his broad shoulders slumped. "You think I want that? You think I want to carry this burden?", I spat, tears rolling down my face.

The hurt, pain and remorse I witnessed on my destined's expression finished me off. I shattered inside.

"Please don't do this, mo ghaoil, please", his tender and soft voice begged. "You are kind and warm, you wouldn't hurt a fly. Tell me the truth: Could you really respect and love a man who abandoned his child? Who turned his back on his child? Is his what you condemn me to be? A cruel heartless bastard like my father?", his voice was breaking.

Suddenly he was on his knees, his arms embracing my hips. His head rested on my belly. I heard his heavy erratic breathing. "If you make me choose...I choose YOU. As much as it breaks my heart, I can't live without you. I don't WANT to live without you. You are the light in my life. I promise, I'll never see my son again, but don't force me to turn away from my fatherly obligations", he whispered.

I cried! I cried about my own lack of self-assurance to handle the situation in a kind-hearted and noble way. Call me what you want, but I needed to have a proof of his devotion for me, his total commitment to me.

Crouching down I kissed his head. "Please, forgive me, please. I played you, put you to the test. I would never force you to leave your child, never. I told you, I wouldn't hold it against you."

Gaisgeil raised his head to face me. He watched me with unbelief and uncertainty, his eyes scanning my face. He slowly rose to his feet. It was dark, where we stood, but the little bit of light from the fire was enough to see the relief and joy that radiated from his face.

But this relief dimmed. "Why Callida, why did you put me through this torture? I thought you loved me?"

I hugged him. "I do, I do, mo anam cara, But I am weak and had doubts about myself." Gaisgeil closed his eyes in sorrow and understanding.

"I am not happy that you had your first child with Blaithin...not at all. I felt resentful and jealous. Please, forgive me for my insecurity. I ...I needed a proof, that you put me before you son... to decide...to decide for me. I needed a grand gesture, so I forced a decision: giving up your son for me or loose me", I sniffed my tears away.

Gaisgeil stroke my face, my hair. He kissed my eyes and cheeks.

"Nothing will ever come between us. Nothing and nobody, Callida. My son will be a part of our family, a family that we'll create together. I don't want him to be a third wheel. Our own children will be his siblings all cherished in the same way."

"Yes, I want that." I nodded. "A big family. I hope to be a good second mother to ..."

My eyebrows furrowed. "What's his name? Did you choose a name?" I saw a little blush on his face.

"There is only one man I came to respect and appreciate. Who was kind and a good guide to me especially when you were at the Laidir."

His eyes showed uncertainty. "It was a hard time for me, mo ghaoil, and it got harder when I felt your growing happiness. I hope you won't be mad at me....but I named my son Ascan...after your grandfather."

My eyes widened. "I am not mad, Gaisgeil, only surprised." Smiling I kissed his chin. "I think grandfather will be honoured. He seems to like you very much. You two grew familiar with each other during my absence."

He nodded. "Yes, I visited him as often as I could. Being with him at your house calmed me. He made me tea and told me how you grew up, about your parents, about you...! Ascan is a wonderful patient man and a wise mentor."

A shadow fell on his face. "I feared, you'll be angry because you want to name OUR first son after him..."

I smiled reassuringly. "Well, our first child HAS my grandfather's name!"

With a deep sigh Gaisgeil kissed me deeply and thoroughly, putting all his love and trust in this kiss."

He put his forehead on mine. "I love you so so much."

Our loving and affectionate moment was interrupted by a shuffling and a groan coming from the entrance.

Gaisgeil put his index finger on his lips, indicating to be silent, his eyes calculating.

"Mylord ...umh...brother, would you please come? We have visitors."

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Mo anam cara= Irish-Gaelic= somebody, you share one soul with

Do you like drama, pain and trials in a romance? Well..I do! Please vote for "Destined", if you like the story. Let's see, who those visitors are...ciao, adeus até logo!