|| second installment of "habit series" ||
Solari Dominguez has a habit of biting her fingernails, especially at the times that she's nervous or guilty. It was a normal mannerism for everyone, not until Justine Klein Olivarez kissed her one day when...
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Binuksan ni Klein ang parehong bintana ng inuupuan namin habang nakatigil ang sasakyan sa gilid ng highway. Malamig ang hangin na tumatama sa mga balat namin at nangingibabaw ang ingay ng mga sasakyang nagdaraan sa gitna ng mahabang katahimikan matapos niyang sabihin ang huli.
I took a deep breath after I calmed myself from crying too much after realizing how I can never do anything right whenever I am in a relationship with someone.
"Men I dated before you . . ." I felt him looking at me. " . . . were all getting angry at me whenever I got angry at something they did. My anger always leads to big arguments that, later on, be one of their excuses on why they chose to cheat on me."
I laughed as I looked down on my lap where my thumb was scratching my index one.
"So I thought I learned from that . . . from my past relationships before you. I . . . tried to apply those lessons to our relationship back then, pero mali pa rin pala ako." I gulped, nodding at the realization I had. "Pinili kong pigilan lahat ng galit at sama ng loob ko sa 'yo kahit sobrang nasasaktan ako kasi . . . kasi mas masakit kung lolokohin mo rin ako tulad nila at . . . mawawala ka sa akin."
He heaved a deep sigh after hearing all that. "Solari, I will never do something so childish to you. You should be angry when you're angry. That's one of the things I learned in my counselling. Do not invalidate yourself-that's how you take care of your own mental health."
I got his point but decided to ignore it since I want him to hear my side. I've heard enough from him. He should hear mine. I looked at him and forced myself to smile.
"Kahit na anong pilit kong huwag maintindihan, I really, genuinely, understand your situation, Klein. Hindi ko magawang magalit kasi naiintindihan kita. Ayaw ko nang intindihin ka pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto ko rin magalit kasi paano mo ako natitiis nang gano'n? I can never ignore your messages kahit na hindi ako okay, Klein. Pero hindi kita kayang i-invalidate dahil alam kong magkaibang tao tayo."
He nodded slightly as he slowly faced his front.
"I left you, not only because I was tired. I have other reasons too." I chuckled. "I was losing my mind whenever you're isolating yourself. I had anxiety disorder and . . . I still do." I gulped. "Pero isa sa mga rason kung bakit na-push ko yung sarili ko na iwan ka is . . . my pride."
My eyes started to heat once again as I remembered how my thoughts were going back in the days that I'm still trying to decide if I should stay or leave him.
"It was long stereotyped that a woman can't leave a guy anymore when he had her virginity . . . kasi ibinigay na niya ang lahat. It was something I overheard somewhere in my work immersion. I tried to put myself in that situation where I'll need to let go of someone I gave my all into. And the pain lingers as I imagined you and me."
"Solari . . ." He sighed.
"Ayaw kong maging dependent sa isang lalaki lang. Ayaw kong maging isa sa mga babae na . . . nawawala sa sarili dahil hindi nila kayang mabuhay nang wala ang lalaking pinagbigyan ng pagkababae nila. I want to become different from them . . . so . . ."
