Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 20: I Didn't Mean To

Sinn sat down on a bench outside, taking deep breaths. He hated that Chan saw him like that. He couldn’t turn back time, but he would’ve simply faced the other way when changing. He felt like he messed everything up.
   
Someone sat next to him, but Sinn realized it was Dee and went back to sulking. “Something wrong with you, too?”
   
Sinn nodded.
   
“I think I fucked up. Sook probably won’t forgive me.” Dee rested his elbows on his knees and put his hands over his face. “Fuck!”
   
Sinn wasn’t good at comforting, only being there for Dee by talking things out. “What happened?”
   
“I kissed Sook…then ran away…” His muffled voice came from his hands still, as he was ashamed.
   
“I thought you liked him?”
   
Dee sat up, confused. “How did you know before me?”
   
“It was obvious…”  It was obvious to everyone besides Dee and Sook.
   
“Oh… I mean I do…”
   
“Then why did you run?”
   
“I've never been with a guy before…” Dee gulped. “My nerves got the best of me. I probably wouldn’t be such a great boyfriend for Sook.”
   
“It’s new for you. Its natural to feel nervous. But don’t doubt yourself. You’d be great for him, you already are. There’s no difference in love when it comes to gender. You either love them or you don’t.”
   
Dee smiled weakly at Sinn. He admired his stepbrother, and wished everyone got to see the sweet and gentle side of him. “Pho probably wouldn’t approve. Even if it wasn’t Sook. He'd want me to be with a woman. How could I be in this relationship comfortably?”
   
Sinn felt sick whenever Aawut was mentioned. He hated the man and the pain he inflicted. He hated the way Aawut tried to control Dee so much. In fact, he hated everything that man did. “Don’t worry about that part. Don’t let him stop you from being happy. If you need to keep it a secret, Mae and I will help you.”
   
“Thank you…but I don’t know if Sook would even speak to me again after this.”
   
“Try to talk it out. He’ll probably understand you more than anyone.” Sinn could see how much Sook adored Dee, and he wanted them to be happy no matter what.
   
“Will you take your own advice?”
   
“What?” He looked at Dee, who was smiling.
   
“The only reason you’d be out here is to get away from Chan. I know something is up. You were fine at dinner. What happened?”
   
Sinn sighed, not wanting to talk about it, but giving in a little anyway. “He got on my nerves.”
   
“Again?” Dee laughed. “He's always on your nerves. I thought you liked it?”
   
“Whatever,” Sinn huffed. He did like it.
   
“I think you’re just afraid.”
   
Sinn knew Dee was right, but denial was his best defense. “I’m not afraid.”
   
“I think you are. Every time things are going good between you two, you push him away.” Again, Dee was right. Dee didn’t know the exact reason why, but even he could see it.
   
Sinn was afraid of losing everything he had sacrificed so much for. He had his reasons to push Chan away. “So what?” He crossed his legs and leaned into the arm of the bench.
   
“I haven’t seen you happy in a long time. But when he’s around, there’s this sparkle in your eyes, even if you aren’t smiling. I can tell he makes you happy deep inside.”
   
“How would you know,” Sinn challenged Dee.
   
“Because that’s how I get around Sook…”
   
He had Sinn there. Dee would know what it looks like, because he knew what it felt like. Sinn rolled his eyes and sighed.
   
“Do you think Sook is still going to be in the room?” Dee gripped the edge of the bench nervously.
   
“I wouldn’t be if I were him.” Dee clicked his tongue at Sinn's sassy remark.
   
“You're right…he probably went to your room to stay with Chan. Do you need me to get your stuff for you?”
   
“Are you using it as an excuse to talk to Sook?” Sinn knew his brother too well.
   
“Yep…”
   
Sinn held his hand out. “Key.” Dee handed him his room key, and headed off to Chan's room.
   
He knocked once, hoping that Sook would answer the door. His nervousness grew when he saw Chan in the doorway instead.
   
Chan set Sinn's bag at Dee's feet, but before he could close the door Dee put his hand on it, leaning in. “Wait…can I talk to him?”
   
“Now isn’t a good time.”
   
“I just need to explain everything.”
   
“Maybe tomorrow, he’s asleep already.”
   
“Can you help me, please?” It wasn’t in Dee's nature to ask for help, only because he was given everything he had ever wanted. He never had to lift a finger, or open his mouth to get what he desired. Sook was different.
   
Chan knew the look Dee had. He knew those helpless eyes, because he felt the same way. “I'll try…tomorrow.”
   
“Thank you.”
   
“Goodnight.”
   
Chan headed back to the bed, where Sook was snuggled up in the blanket, wide awake. “Was that him?”
   
“Yea…”
   
“Thank you for covering for me.” Sook stayed in the blanket, thinking of Dee. He just couldn’t face him after the embarrassing moment.
   
“Sook, he seemed really sorry…”
   
“They all seem sorry…”
   
Chan didn’t say anymore. What did he know? He barely fell hard for one person his whole life. He didn’t have any experience, and really didn’t know what Sook had gone through. He could only listen and help his cousin.
 

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Sinn and Sook didn’t have to participate in the team's activities, so they stayed on the side. Sinn wouldn’t have done anything anyway, and Sook wasn’t in the mood. They stayed near the coach and sat in peace as the team had fun.
   
“Dee isn’t a bad person.” Sinn tried to get through to Sook, even if he didn’t like talking to people.
   
“Neither is Chan.”
   
Sinn smirked at Sook's sassiness. It must’ve ran in the family. “Did he tell you…?”
   
“He didn’t say much. Just that he overstepped again. Whatever that means. Did he see you naked or what?” He looked at Sinn for some sort of reaction, but Sinn hid his eyes behind dark sunglasses.
   
“He's a problem for me.” To Sinn, it would be a problem if Chan knew what Sinn's life was really like. He didn’t want anyone to know, and if Chan found out, the boy surely wouldn’t stay quiet about it.
   
“Huh,” Sook scoffed. “Problem my ass! You’re just like Dee, you can’t go through with what you want and you’re afraid of commitment.”
   
Sinn pursed his lips. He could tell the resemblance in the cousins. They were both good at talking back. “Dee wants to, though.”
   
“Sure…it didn’t seem like that yesterday.” Sook crossed his arms and sank into the bench.
   
“That’s because you didn’t get to talk to him.”
   
“What more could he possibly say that I haven’t heard already?”
   
“That he wants to be with you.”
   
Sook shot Sinn a shocked look. He couldn’t believe those words just came from Sinn's mouth. Was it true or was Sinn just covering for his brother? It had to be real, right?
   
Sook turned back to his position and sat while thinking. Why did Dee run off? He wanted to ask Sinn, but he knew he needed to hear everything from Dee himself.
   
“You know…it wouldn’t hurt to talk to Chan, too.” While Sinn helped Dee, Sook thought it was best to help his cousin. “I've never seen him so miserable over someone he liked.”
   
Sinn's eyes popped wide open. Hearing the boy's name made him realize that he was actively watching Chan. His mind was so focused on Chan and it was so normal that he didn’t notice what he was doing.
   
“If he’s so miserable when he likes me then he should move on.”
   
“He's only miserable because you are.” Sinn froze at Sook's sentence. For once, he didn’t have a good excuse ready in his head. Sook was right, and he knew it.
   
Chan was only upset because he was upset. If Sinn would just be happy, Chan would be, too. It reminded Sinn of his mother and Yaai, and how they wanted to see him happy again.
   
He looked back to the obstacle course to watch Chan. The boy was moving through the motions, trying to keep his smile but it kept fading quickly. Sinn's heart began to ache at the sight. He didn’t mean to do that to Chan.