Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 37: So Be It

****These next three chapters took a lot out of me 😅 Anyone else have daddy issues? Lmao. I have to write at night for more emotional chapters, and I obsess over certain songs to help me. Made the list down below⬇ in case you'd like to listen! The chapter begins after that. Anywhoooo, enjoy 😊 ****

🎵 Hate Everything- Golden
🎵Are You Even Real?- James Blake
🎵 yangAHchi- NO:EL
🎵Lavender- Patrick Ananda (this song will put me to sleep i love it)
🎵Understand- Meloh
🎵Fire-Sik-K
🎵Summer Flower- Kang Seung Yoon (anyone else watch the kdrama 'Tomorrow'? 🥺)
🎵You Won't Be There For Me- slchld
🎵Why Don't You Stay?- Jeff Satur

Sinn managed to drive home in the amount of pain he was in. He tried not to think about it, but could feel the soreness beginning to spread.
   
He walked to his apartment slowly, exhausted from everything. He simply wanted to lay down and forget about everything that happened. Sinn knew Chan was texting him, but he ignored his phone. He didn’t want the boy to see him, and he was feeling bitter.
   
Usually he would head to the dorms as fast as possible, but his thoughts clouded his mind. Chan had made him feel again. The boy made Sinn's emotions and feeling surface again after so long. Because of that, Sinn couldn’t take the pain of his punishments. He couldn’t stay numb and ignore them like before.
   
Sinn slid his key card in the slot and opened his door to find Chan's duffel bag on the floor next to the table. *shit.* He was too tired to talk. He was too tired of everything. He couldn’t face Chan, or he was afraid he would cry and let everything out.
   
There was no way he could tell the boy what was going on in his life. Chan wouldn’t understand. Chan was hot headed and irrational when it came to his emotions. The boy couldn’t handle the truth.
   
Sinn still had four years until he could be free. He couldn’t possibly tell the boy anything in those four years. Sinn felt bad though. How could he be in a relationship with Chan and keep such a secret? It wouldn’t work out. How could he let himself become so engulfed in this kid who made him feel again?
   
He just wanted to feel something. Was that so bad? Yes. To Sinn it could be. To Sinn, he still had to protect his mother and Yaai. He still had to graduate college and find a stable job. He still had to bear with all of the pain Aawut would surely inflict.
   
Sinn couldn’t make a mistake, or it would hurt him more in the end. Aawut would make Sinn and his family's lives miserable. How could he be truly happy in a relationship and carry such a burden at the same time?
   
He dropped his bag at the table and made his way to his room. Chan was sound asleep, wrapped up in the blankets. Sinn wished to be that carefree and at peace. He walked over to the boy and squatted down to become face to face with Chan.
   
He moved the hair from Chan's face and stared at his faen. (Faen: girlfriend/boyfriend) The boy looked so angelic when he slept. How could Sinn possibly let him go? Looking at him made it harder to imagine. He placed a kiss at the top of Chan's head and left to take a shower.
   
The water that ran over his back let Sinn know where his wounds were. They stung, but he needed to rinse them off. He knew some had broken his skin, because there was blood on his white button up shirt.
   
After his shower, the tricky part was getting the ointment and covering them. Sinn had trouble reaching one, and struggled to spread the gel. He stood with his left side to the mirror, trying to use it to pinpoint the areas that needed the most attention. With one arm up, the other reached around and dabbed the ointment on.
   
Suddenly the door opened, revealing a smiling Chan who was rubbing his eyes. “When did you get home?” Sinn lowered his arms but didn’t answer. Chan’s eyes were caught off guard by the open tube on the sink. “What are you doing?” He was confused. He didn’t see any injuries on Sinn from the front.
   
“Nothing. I’ll be in bed in a second.” Sinn used a careful approach, acting as if nothing was wrong.
   
“Are you okay? Do you need my help?”
   
“No, I’m fine. I’ll be there in a second.” Sinn turned the boy around and held onto Chan's shoulders as he led him out of the bathroom.
   
Chan, however, wanted to play. He quickly turned around and dipped under Sinn's arm to rush back into the bathroom. Sinn turned around just as fast to hide his wounds.
   
Chan backed up to the tub and watched Sinn standing in front of him. Just being around Sinn was enough to bring his energy up. “Come on, let me help you.” He smiled and looked over Sinn. He loved the view of his boyfriend without a shirt. He could admire all of the tattoos on Sinn’s ribs and arms. When his eyes trailed up, they caught a glimpse of the mirror behind Sinn.
   
“Go to bed, I’ll meet you there.” Sinn realized that the boy wasn’t looking at him anymore, but behind him. Chan's smile had dropped, and Sinn wasn’t prepared for what was to come.
   
Chan stood up straight and turned Sinn around forcefully to look at his back. The boy didn’t know what to think. Sinn hadn’t told him anything about the old scars, so what was he supposed to think about new ones?
   
Sinn grabbed Chan's hands and brought the boy in front to face him. He didn’t recognize the look on Chan's face. It was new. It was shocked, but somewhat cold. “Chan…”
   
“Are you cheating on me?” That was the first thing on Chan's mind. He couldn’t please Sinn, so he went elsewhere.
   
“What? No.” Sinn was surprised that’s where the boy's mind went. It only showed how insecure Chan was at that moment. He couldn’t blame the boy. Sinn never gave an explanation for his scars before.
   
“What is that then? Hmm? You told me you couldn’t tell me about the others, that’s fine. These? These are new. Don’t I have a right to know?” There was a scared tone to Chan's voice, and it hurt Sinn. He didn’t want to make the boy upset.
   
“I can’t…tell you…”
   
Chan's eyes looked as if he were fighting tears, making Sinn look down. He didn’t want to be the cause of Chan's distress. “What am I?”
   
He looked back up at the boy. Even though Chan's eyes were glossy, his voice and face were forbidding. He didn’t expect the boy to seem so scarily serious. “What?”
    
“What am I to you?” Chan challenged.
   
Sinn didn’t know how to answer. Chan was hieverything. Chan was his warmth on a cold night, the smile that made his day, and the flame in his dark void of life. Yet, he didn’t know what to say. Even if Chan was all of those things, it didn’t make a difference.
   
“I think you should go…” Sinn gulped down the lump in his throat as he said the words. Never did he ever intend to say them. In fact, he didn’t want them to come out. His heart was pushed to the side while his mind took over and did what was necessary.
   
Chan was an obstacle with no benefits to Sinn's situation. If anything, he could make things worse. Sinn couldn’t have that. Not when his family was on the line.
   
Sinn's words were like a shot to the heart. Chan pretended as if he didn’t hear them, or he would really lose it. “What happened?”
   
Sinn sighed and rubbed his eyes together. “Chan…”
   
“Where were you? Dee said you stayed home to talk to his father. Did you get attacked on the way here?” Sinn was silent, and Chan took his face as annoyed.
   
But soon, the silence made sense. He had put the pieces together in his head. Between everything that Mon and Sinn had told him, and where Sinn was that night, Chan had figured it out.
   
“He hurt you, didn’t he?” Sinn's eyes flickered and Chan instantly knew he was right. The boy stepped back until he was in the hallway and rushed towards the front door.
   
“Chan!” Sinn followed and tried to grab Chan to stop him, but the boy kept brushing him off. “Stop!”
   
“Why?!” Chan was dressed in his white t-shirt and joggers already as he slipped his shoes on. “How long has he been doing this?” Sinn was silent, but their harsh breathing filled the air. “I can’t let him get away with this…”
   
Chan turned to open the door but Sinn pushed him away from it. “Stop already!”
   
“Why? Look at you! Does your mom know? Does anyone know?”
   
“Stop fucking with my life!” Sinn unleashed his loud voice that scared Chan. The boy was half furious and half sorrowful. He wanted to kill Aawut, but also wanted to break down and hold Sinn. “You’re making my life a living hell…”
   
Those words hurt Chan more than he would’ve thought. “Hia…” How could Sinn say that? Chan didn’t mean to be so aggressive, but he didn’t think Sinn would go as far as to say something like that. “What's going on? Tell me so I can help you.” His pleas became desperate. He wanted to help Sinn so badly.
   
“You can’t help me. No one can help me.” For once, someone was offering, but Sinn couldn’t even take the help. Nothing would change.
   
“Just tell me, I can tell my Pho, we can help you. My cousin Tan has a lawyer friend and—”
   
“Stop!”
   
The sudden eruption frightened Chan. “Hia…”
   
“You can’t help me. No one can. Do you have money to support my family? Do you have the power Aawut has? The influence he has on people? You don’t think I’ve tried?! It’s not so fucking easy!”
   
Chan's face was wet from tears as he watched Sinn's frustration come out in agonizing cries. He had never seen Sinn so emotional.
   
“I just want to help you.”
   
“You can help me by leaving.”
   
The words squeezed and twisted the boy's heart. “I don’t want to.” How could he leave Sinn at a time when he was hurting?
   
Sinn rushed to the boy and held Chan's shirt in his fists while making a pained face. Chan wasn’t so easy to get rid of like his old friends. Chan was stubborn and relentless. Sinn knew if Chan didn’t leave on his own he would have to drag the boy out. “Leave.” It was like a warning, but Chan didn’t want to take it.
   
“No.”
   
Sinn shoved Chan backwards and watched as the boy stumbled onto the ground. “Why can’t you just listen to me? I don’t want this anymore! Do you understand me now? Why do you linger in places where you’re not wanted?!”
   
Chan was at a loss for words. Not wanted? It wasn’t the first time for him. He had felt worthless and unwanted before, but he never expected to feel that from Sinn. His eyes glossed over and he clenched his jaw.
   
Sinn realized what he had said and his face fell. He meant that he didn’t want the boy right there at that moment, not in general. It came out wrong, and he couldn’t take it back. “Chan…”
    
Chan didn’t know what to say. He only knew that he wasn’t staying there that night. He quickly grabbed his bag and left in a hurry, wiping his eyes on the way out.
   
“Chan, I didn’t mean it like that…” Sinn followed the boy to the door but stopped as it slammed in his face. He covered his eyes with his hands, but the tears kept flowing. He was sure that Chan would never forgive him after that.
   
Sinn had said the worst thing possible to stop Chan from interfering, and it worked. Problem was that he said the wrong words. He just wanted to stop Chan from getting entangled in this web of torture. He needed to get the boy away, at a safe distance. He knew what Aawut was capable of. He didn’t mean to go that far. Sinn desperately wanted to take it back, but if it kept Chan safe then so be it.