Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 38: Not That Simple

Chan left the building as fast as his legs would go down the stairs. He didn’t want to wait in the elevator and sulk in the horrible music. He took a deep breath when he reached the front doors and walked out.
   
He tried to push it all to the back of his mind but it was too late. He couldn’t ignore his emotions once they were out. He couldn’t stop feeling overwhelmed and he had the tears to show for it.
   
Chan walked slowly, dragging his feet as he traveled farther away from the building. The only place he really wanted to go was home to his Pho.
   
Chan didn’t know when he stopped crying. He was tired, and simply didn’t want to feel anything anymore. *Is this what it’s like to love someone?* As he rode the night bus to his Pho's neighborhood, he stared out the window at the street lights and small shops that he passed.
   
Walking in the empty street in the middle of the night, Chan let his mind wander. *Why am I like this?* He regretted being so rash and quick to act, when it came to Sinn, at least. He saw how angry he made Sinn and it felt horrible. It was like being scolded as a child, but worse.
   
It appeared to be harder for Chan to maintain his composure. He didn’t even stop and listen to Sinn because he was so engulfed in his burning rage. He just wanted to help, but he only aggravated Sinn.
   
The boy reached his home and knocked twice on the locked door. In an instant, the light flicked on and the door opened slightly at first, with a sleepy Khem peeking through the crack.
   
“Chan?” He stood up straight and opened the door fully once he realized it was his son.
   
“Pho.” Chan stood there for a while, his face still but his eyes were sad and defeated.
   
Khem pulled the boy inside and closed the door behind him. He turned towards Chan and looked him up and down. Nothing physically was wrong with him, so it must’ve all been internal.
   
“Chan. What happened?”
   
The boy couldn’t answer just yet. He didn’t know how to. Khem didn’t have to know the story, because as a father he simply knew he needed to be there. He wrapped his arms around Chan and held the boy, patting his back like he did when Chan was young.
   
“Pho…” Chan needed only the hug to break down. He rested his head on Khem's shoulder and let the man's unconditional love consume him. “I’m hurting.”
   
Khem hated when Chan was sad, because not many things could help. The boy was bad with his feelings, and Khem desperately wished Chan could open himself up to heal.
   
“I can’t heal your pain. I can only tell you that it will be okay.”
   
And that’s all Chan needed. To know it would be okay. To know it would get better, even if it didn’t feel like it at that moment.
 

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Sunday Chan stayed in bed at home. He watched as the rays of sunlight entered through the dark curtains and shone on the floor. He stayed wrapped up in his blanket as Khem knocked on the door periodically, offering food, but Chan politely declined each time.
   
The sound of Chan’s favorite cartoons filled the small room. Usually the boy would be smiling back at the characters that made him laugh, but he didn’t feel anything. He used them as background noise so he wouldn’t feel so alone.
   
The boy felt tired and his stomach was aching from hunger but he simply felt it as another piece of his inner pain. It hurt the same as his heart, so he disregarded it and used a pillow to hold.
   
Slowly the rays of light disappeared and the room became dim. Just like that, a day had gone by where Chan didn’t feel like doing anything. A day where he didn’t touch his phone or talk to anyone. It didn’t make him feel better, but he needed to take a break or he’d really feel like life was too much.
   
When the moon came out to shine, he finally got up to eat. Khem was placing Khao Soy (Northern Thai curry noodles) into bowls. “Come have dinner with me.”
   
Chan made his way to the table and took in the scent of the food his Pho placed in front of him. “Pho, can I stay home for a few days?”
   
Chan hadn’t missed a day of school since the beginning. Khem knew how badly the boy needed a break. “A few days won’t hurt. Have Sook grab your work.”
   
“Mmm.” Chan smiled slightly as he sipped on the broth.
   
Khem thought about how hard college must be for Chan. With new people and experiences, his boy was staying so strong in hard times. He wished for Chan to be happy, and had faith that the boy would come around as he always did. It would just take some time.