Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 42: I Swear

During Thursday's football practice, Sinn couldn’t take his eyes off the boy. It had been days without communication. Days without seeing him in person. He missed him terribly. He wanted to hug Chan and tell him he was sorry and that he didn’t mean what he said. He wanted to tell the boy everything, and finally be free from his secrets.
   
But Chan probably hated him. The boy didn’t even look at him in class. Did Sinn really expect to be missed in return? Yes.
   
He wanted the boy to come to him and scold him for saying such rash things. He wanted Chan to at least look at him so he could see if there was hate or love behind those deep, brown, expressive eyes. Oh, how he missed looking into them. How he missed admiring Chan in general.
   
Sinn knew he could be the one to speak first. He could’ve said something to the boy already, if it weren’t for his guilt and indecisiveness. If it weren’t for his crippling fear. Fear of not knowing Chan's true feelings. For once, the boy wasn’t speaking his mind and spilling his guts.
   
Instead, Chan was silent. It killed Sinn, because he was to blame. He was the one who made the vibrant boy so quiet and he hated himself for it. He wished he could just take it back.
   
Things weren’t so simple in real life. Even if Sinn could explain himself, should he? While everything with Aawut was still going on? When things would only get worse? Could Chan stand by and watch and not do anything? Would he still want to be with Sinn if he knew the truth? To Sinn, not coming forward was the best option.
   
   
That night, Chan was restless in bed. He sat up and took a deep breath. He was weary, but his mind wouldn’t stop and give him a break.
   
He moved his legs off the bed as he sat at the edge. Chan looked at his door, expecting it to open. He had forgotten Sinn's apartment key when he left, but Sinn still had the extra one to Chan's dorm. He wanted Sinn to barge in like he owned the place. He wished Sinn would rush over after finally seeing him at school again. He wanted Sinn to come check on him, but he knew it wouldn’t happen.
   
He stared at the door, but it never moved. It stayed closed, and would for the rest of the night.
   
In Chan's dreams Sinn was there, facing him as they laid in bed. It felt so real that Chan could reach out and touch him, but he stopped himself. If he reached out and Sinn wasn’t really there, it would only ruin him. Just seeing Sinn was enough. He could finally get a good night’s rest.
 
 
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

   
Chan felt so revitalized Friday morning, but the feeling faded slowly as he started getting ready for school. He grabbed a coffee for breakfast out of habit, and made his way to school. When he saw Sinn, reality hit him harder. He was reminded of their separation.
   
Still, he decided to make the best of his day. Or try to, at least.
   
   
At lunch, Chan ate in the classroom again, making it a new habit. But this day was different. Things were weighing down on him. He wasn’t his smiling, cheerful self, and he didn’t feel like wearing that mask lately anyway.
   
He simply wasn’t in the mood to eat anymore, so he closed up his lunchbox and got up to go to the restroom.
   
Before he could make it out the door someone blocked his way. His favorite someone.
   
Standing in the doorway was the one person who took his breath away. The one person who cleared Chan's mind just by looking at him. Nothing else was going on around Chan when he stared at Sinn.
   
Time froze for a second, and they held their gazes. Chan opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Before they knew it, they were interrupted by the flow of more students entering the classroom. Someone bumped into Sinn and he went with the small crowd until he reached his desk.
  
Chan moved slightly for everyone to pass, looking back at Sinn, who was facing the other way, then continued to the restroom.
   
Sinn sat at his desk, sure that Chan was afraid of him. The boy couldn’t even get a word out. It was like Chan frozen with fear.
   
When the boy came back, he faced forward just as Sinn did. Neither could mutter a word, so they sat in each other's presence while they still could.
   
Sinn watched their hands as they took notes. They were so close they almost touched, and he wanted it to happen. He wanted any sort of skinship with Chan.
   
Little did Sinn know, Chan felt the same way. He didn’t want to push his limits, but his hand wanted to pull to the left. He had noticed that for the past two days, Sinn wasn’t wearing his rings. Sinn wasn’t wearing anything he normally did. No rings, no earrings, no necklace. Just a shiny black watch that his mother gave him for his birthday in November.
   
It made Chan wonder. *Is he hurting as much as I am?*

   
When the teacher dismissed the class everyone rushed out as if they had already packed up their belongings. Chan rushed to put his things back in his bag and stood up in a hurry when he realized Sinn was already getting up. Everyone, including the teacher was already gone.
   
Before Sinn could reach the door, a hand was stopping him. He looked down at his arm to find Chan's hand holding him lightly. “P’Sinn…” He turned to the boy with a blank face. Chan let go and took a deep breath. He didn’t know what exactly the boy wanted from him. An apology maybe?
   
“Chan…I—”
   
“Don't.” The response startled Sinn. He couldn’t go on with his sorrows. “Don’t talk, just listen.”
   
It wasn’t hate in Chan's eyes, but something unfamiliar to Sinn. He stayed quiet and let Chan continue.
   
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you so uncomfortable that night.” Chan's eyes trailed down as he couldn’t face Sinn. He was remorseful. “You have every right to your secrets and who you want to tell. You have every right to be angry with me.”
   
Chan thought Sinn was angry? Sinn was baffled. But it was his own doing. He had shown his face to Chan and the boy didn’t know any better. Sinn didn’t help by not saying anything either.
   
“I don’t know where we stand, but I can wait. However long you need, I can wait for you. I can stay by your side when you’re ready. I’ll listen to you and be there for you however you want. If you want me by your side, I swear I’ll never leave again...”
   
Sinn’s heart fluttered at the simple words that held so much meaning. Chan was speaking from his heart, so how come Sinn couldn’t manage one word?
   
“Until then, don’t feel obligated to me. And if you don’t want me to come back, I…I'll understand that, too.”
   
Chan was finished, and when he looked back up at Sinn, the senior realized they both had glossy eyes. Sinn wasn’t saying anything, so Chan didn’t know how he took the apology. The boy took his silence as his answer. Either Sinn didn’t want him back, or he wasn’t ready. Chan could understand that much, and he would wait just as he said.
   
Before Sinn knew it, Chan was walking past him out of the room. Sinn stayed in that spot, looking at the floor where Chan just stood. How did their roles reverse? How did Chan become to calm and enlightened? However he did it, he had Sinn's attention.