Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 41: Missing You

Sinn did the same mundane things everyday. He didn’t have to check on Dee as much, because Sook had made sure Dee stayed in line. All Sinn had to do was show up to school and do his work. He would then go back to his apartment and finish homework or lounge about. He often picked up a book and read it in the comfort of his quiet abode.
   
Sunday passed quickly for Sinn, because he slept most of the day. His wounds became sore, and he didn’t want to get up for anything besides the necessary.
   
On Monday, Sinn managed to do his best and get dressed, covering every new mark on his body as he used to do often. He felt empty as he looked at himself in the mirror. He was back into an old routine that made him feel sick. When the school day was over, he went back home and fell asleep, and slept all afternoon and all night.
   
Come Tuesday, Sinn woke up and did it all over again. He sat in the class he shared with Chan and stared at the empty seat. Chan still wasn’t back at school. Should he text? No. It would only make things worse. Sinn couldn’t help but feel awful. Dee and Sook ate lunch somewhere else almost everyday, so they didn’t realize Sinn was so lonely. They didn’t know anything was even wrong between Chan and Sinn.
   
Wednesday, Sinn woke up and went on his way with his normal day. Another day of going home for lunch to take a nap. Another day of staring at Chan's empty seat. Another day of going back home to an empty apartment. Before, Sinn would’ve loved the silence. But after meeting Chan, it was too silent. He opened a book, but there were no interruptions. He could still hear and see Chan messing with him, trying (and succeeding) to make him lose focus.
   
Sinn only had to blink once for his illusions to disappear. Chan wasn’t really there. The boy's smiling eyes and mouth. His soft skin and good smelling hair. His infectious laugh and the way he clung to Sinn. It was all gone.
   
That night, his Mae sent a photo of a painting. “Look what Yaai painted!” That was the last straw for him.
   
The painting was of his Yaai's favorite place. Her hometown of Tak. There were all sorts of shades of green grass next to flowing water. And on the other side of the water stood four small figures. It was enough to make him start to cry.
   
He hadn't seen his Yaai in so long, and he felt guilty. He missed her so much, but it hurt to see her and have her look right past him. It hurt that she wasn’t how he remembered, but he still felt bad.
   
He cried by himself as he lay in bed that night. He missed her, and his family. He had forgotten who he was fighting for. Who he was enduring all the pain for.
   
On Thursday, Sinn woke up feeling melancholic. He was usually stoic and silent, but he had come to a painful realization. He needed help.
   
Coming to this realization wasn’t easy. It took everything in Sinn to finally look at himself for what he truly was: scared. He feared he would lose everything, but in a sense he felt as though he already lost.
   
What was life without the things and people that made you happy?
 

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Thursday morning Chan bought himself a coffee for breakfast. He had taken a lot of time away from school, but he was still exhausted. He wasn’t sleeping well. It wasn’t as if he did nothing over the past days he was gone. He had a lot to think about and work through, yet he still had things to do.
   
He moved through the halls silently on Thursday. Sook hardly realized Chan was next to him. “What have you done with my cousin?”
   
“Huh?” Chan snapped out of his daze as they headed to their first class.   
   
“Are you sure you feel better? You look pale.”
   
Chan felt his own forehead, acting as if he was sick over the last four days. “Mmm. I’m all better. Just feeling tired.”
   
“Are you sure you’ll be able to play in the game Saturday?”
   
“I should be. I’ll get better by then for sure.”
   
Before the boys entered their classroom, Chan caught a glimpse of the face he knew so intimately. He watched as Sinn walked in a different direction, not even seeing Chan in the distance. In a sense, Chan was glad. He wouldn’t know what to say or do if he came across Sinn. He knew eventually he would, though, as they were desk mates in a later class.
   
At lunch Chan whipped out a packed lunch that Khem made for him. He sat in the classroom and ate it, because Sook had gone somewhere with Dee yet again. Chan couldn’t even protest, because the two lovebirds still didn’t know about his and Sinn's troubles. He assumed Sinn would’ve said something by then if they were really broken up, but he hadn’t yet.
   
After he ate, Chan rested his head in his arms atop the desk. Just a few seconds of shut-eye to recharge is all he needed.
   
   

Sinn grabbed a bag of chips for lunch and ate thoughtlessly on his way to the classroom. He normally ate there because he didn’t like being around everyone else in the cafeteria.
   
Dee and Sook were gone again, leaving him alone yet again. He didn’t want to tell Dee anything about being seen with Sook. He wouldn’t even know what to say.

*Hey your dad has someone following you.* Definitely not that. He knew Dee would be telling Aawut about Sook soon enough, as the end of the school year was nearing.
   
He just wasn’t ready for the consequences. Sinn knew Aawut would throw an absolute fit over Dee coming out as bisexual and over Sook. Sinn knew that the man would take it out on him, and demand that he “fix” his son. Why couldn’t Aawut be reasonable?
   
Sinn chewed on his last chip as he rounded the door frame and walked into the classroom. Only something was different this time. That day, the seat next to his wasn’t empty.
   
He tossed his empty chip bag into the trashcan and made his way to his seat, careful not to make too much noise. His seat creaked as he sat and he cursed it, but nothing was waking Chan up. The boy hadn’t slept well the night before, and his rest was vital.
   
Sinn placed his left elbow on his desk and rested his face in his hand as he watched Chan sleep. The boy was snoring softly, and a small stream of drool was dripping onto the boy's arm, making Sinn chuckle to himself. It was the first time a smile had appeared on his face in a while.
   
He missed the feeling of being happy. Maybe one class with Chan everyday would be enough? Definitely not. The longer Sinn stared, the more he wanted to embrace the boy and go back to the way things were.
   
Sinn wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, stuck in his thoughts and staring at the boy, but he sat up straight as soon as others entered the room. Chan didn’t wake up, but his eyes were moving under the eyelids, and his eyebrows furrowed. Sinn knew the noise was about to wake him up, so he gave a deadly stare to the others, shoeing them out of the room for a while longer.
   
   
Chan heard the teacher's voice and shot straight up, letting out a snort in the process. He covered his nose and mouth as a few girls in the front rows giggled. He looked over at Sinn, who wasn’t there when Chan fell asleep. He saw a slight grin from his senior, who was facing forward, and it made his heart dance. Next, Chan felt a liquid on his mouth and quickly wiped away what he knew was drool. He face palmed himself in his mind. *Get it together Chan!*
   
Throughout the class, Chan glimpsed at Sinn out of his peripheral vision. His anxiety set in and he was trying to think of what to say. But they were in the middle of class, so maybe he could write Sinn a note? No, too silly. What if Sinn didn’t read it? Or worse, what if the teacher confiscated it and read it to the whole class? Chan covered his mouth as he gasped to himself. He couldn’t have that. Nope.
   
He could talk to Sinn on the way out of class. That could work. But he didn’t even know what to say. Well in that case he better start practicing, right? *Sinn, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. No- terribly sorry. No! Sinn, I love you and I’m sorry. Please take me back! No… Sinn, I’m sorry. I was dumb and-wait, was I really dumb? No, I was selfish. Well…was I selfish?* Chan couldn’t make up his mind and went on and on trying to think of the perfect words.
   
He even thought of Fah's story with her husband. *Sinn, I’m a strong and independent w-…I mean…man… Ugh! No…* But maybe he shouldn’t use her exact words. He rubbed his face with his hands in frustration.
   
Chan's thoughts were interrupted by chairs scooting across the floor. Everyone was leaving! He whipped his head to the left to find Sinn already gone. “Shia…” He spent all that time thinking of what to say, and he would end up with no time to say anything at all.
   
It was probably better that way, so that he had time to put what he really meant into words.