Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 33: Second-Guessing

Chan made Sinn wait to call Mong. He wanted to wait until after their first game, so he could focus instead. The boy had his mind ready for the first real college football match.
   
Chan was the last to finish getting ready in the locker room, as he decided to meditate beforehand. He chose to meditate before any games, because it was a way his mother taught him to stay grounded. It helped him control his emotions and clear his mind.
   
As Chan stood up, he felt two hands on his waist and he turned quickly, softly panting from the adrenaline rush. Sinn didn’t usually startle him. His boyfriend's face was inches from his and closing in.
   
Suddenly, Chan's hands were on each side of Sinn's face. Sinn stared at the blank expression Chan gave him. The boy was taking deeper breaths, and seemingly holding back.
   
“You’re going to make me lose my mind.” Sinn didn’t say anything right away. He knew what the boy was craving. They hadn’t been able to do anything for a while because Chan didn’t want to hurt at practices or the first game. He craved Sinn, but had to hold back and Sinn was just then seeing how badly it had affected him. The boy was addicted and needing a fix.
   
Chan pulled Sinn's face to his and kissed him hard. There was no way they could do anything with such little time. He pushed Sinn off just as fast and let go. He knew it was time to get out and start warming up with the others, so he ran out, leaving Sinn with a smirk. Sinn loved the way the boy was behaving lately.
   
Chan got to stretching and noticed students and parents sitting in the stands. He waved at Khem, who was just getting seated at the top under some shade. When Chan's eyes trailed down, he noticed Mong.
   
He would’ve thought his father went to see him play, but Mong was with his wife and they sat with another couple in which the wife was Kaew. Chan quickly realized that Mong had probably gone to see Dee play. Dee was supposed to get engaged to Chan's half sister, so Aawut probably invited them to watch their future son-in-law.
*Why would he come watch me? Of course he’s here for Dee.* Chan wiped the hope from his mind and tried to focus on the stretches.
   
He gathered with the rest of the team after warming up, sitting on the bench and letting Sinn put his leg sleeve on. Aawut was there to watch, so Chan and Sook had to act as if they weren’t close to the brothers. Dee sent Sook flirty looks when they were hidden by teammates. He knew how to make Sook feel special even when in hiding.
   
Sinn helped some of the others before going to Chan last and helping him put on his sleeve. “How does it feel?” He spoke with a straight face, trying not to show any emotion for the boy in front of Aawut.
   
“It feels good, thank you.”
   
The team began to huddle together around the coach and Sinn brushed his hand against Chan's as he took his spot on the bench. It gave the boy a boost of energy. He couldn’t hide the smile that crept up on his face. Just the small and simple skinship was enough to drive the boy wild. He almost lost focus, and joined the others in the circle.
   
When the game began, Sinn glanced back at the set of parents, then at Chan. The boy wasn’t playing like himself. Sinn knew Chan had seen Mong there. Chan had already changed his mind about talking to Mong. Maybe seeing the man sent the boy in a downward spiral. In his first official college game no less.
   
Sook looked up where Sinn was glancing and noticed Mong. *What's he doing here?* Despite the weird occurrence, Sook continued to watch his boyfriend on the field.
   
At halftime they were winning by one point, but Chan was frustrated anyway. He sat next to his cousin to distance himself from Sinn. Dee sat next to his brother on the bench instead.
   
“Chan, what’s wrong? We’re winning, right?”
   
“It’s not good enough.”
   
“What? Why not?”
   
“I'm not good enough. I’m losing speed, and they keep getting past me.” Sook followed Chan's glances to the stands and knew that his cousin had seen Mong. Chan was surely upset and unfocused because of his father.
   
The players drank their water and talked about the plays for their halftime. Before Sook could try and talk to Chan again, time was up. Dee and Chan were back on the field, but Sook could tell his cousin wasn’t feeling too good.
   
The coach brought Chan back out in no time, as he could tell the boy was exhausted. Sook tended to his cousin as they watched the rest of the game. Chan kept glancing over at Sinn, who was on the other side of the bench. He didn’t like being so far away from Sinn, but he knew what they had to do around Aawut.
   
“I’ll be right back.” Chan got up and headed to the restroom, but not before catching a glimpse of Mong again. This time, he witnessed something he never could’ve imagined. Han and a pretty girl made their way to sit next to Mong and his wife. They brought them food, which at first was strange to Chan, until it hit him.
   
He froze as he watched them. They laughed and shared food and talked amongst themselves. They all looked like they just stepped out of a magazine cover, like a perfect little family. He wasn’t prepared. He didn’t think seeing Mong's family would hurt him. He especially didn’t expect to see Han.
   
Han's words replayed in his head. “You say I’m the bastard but your father never even wanted you…” It made so much sense all of a sudden.
   
Chan ran to the locker room as quick as he could and leaned against his locker with his head held high. He tried to catch his breath but his heart was beating too fast.
   
“Chan…” He turned to find Sook. “What’s wrong?” It only made Chan want to cry. His cousin just wanted to help.
   
Chan couldn’t speak, because he knew no words would come out. Instead, Sook made his way over and hugged his cousin. Chan had never cried in front of Sook before, but it was as if things had gotten too hard. Chan had changed recently. He was less angry and more emotional for some reason. Ever since the night he cried in front of Sinn, he didn’t want to hold back anymore.
   
Sook let his cousin cry and let Chan do what he needed to do, as the coach wasn’t going to put the boy back into the game for the last quarter. Chan came back out from the restroom and sat next to Sook in front of his locker. “Are you okay? I saw Mong in the stands earlier.”
   
“It’s not just him…” Chan looked at the floor, trying to relax after being on edge. “I saw my siblings. Han is my…brother…”
   
“What?” Sook hadn’t looked back up after seeing Mong. He wanted to go see Chan’s siblings for himself, but waited for Chan. “I'm sorry.” He couldn’t imagine what Chan was going through, but the least he could do was be there for him.
   
“It’s fine. I just…need to get today over with.” Chan stood up and left, with Sook trailing close behind. Sook saw for himself the siblings. The girl looked very similar to Chan, while Han must’ve taken after his mother.
   
The cousins sat on one end of the bench, while Sinn sat at the other. He looked over at them and wondered why Chan's face looked flushed. It killed him not being able to go over to Chan, but he had to keep away for the time being.
   
Chan wanted to look at Sinn, but was too upset. He wanted to be okay, but needed time to cool off. If he looked, it would make him want to go over to Sinn. Sinn must’ve tried to tell Chan about Han, but if not then it felt like Sinn was protecting Han.
   
Chan didn’t know what to think, and he couldn’t ask Sinn right there out in the open. Chan's optimism was fading as his mind was clouded with bad thoughts.
   
Sook realized Chan had a straight face. He never looked like that. Sook nudged Chan with his elbow and handed him a water. “Drink.” He patted Chan's back. He knew his cousin was feeling down but this was a whole new level.
   
Sook thought about what Chan had told him. He looked up into the stands and noticed that Dee's father sitting next to Mong. Sook knew who Aawut and Kaew were from Dee's pictures. What he was just realizing was that Mong was next to Aawut, talking and smiling. It was a weird sight, and Sook thought about how it was such a small world.
   
When the game ended, their team won 3-0. Dee was doted on for being the star player, and they all rushed to leave to celebrate. Chan congratulated Dee and went straight to the locker room without saying a word to anyone else. He kept a smile for when anyone looked at him, but he let it fall when he faced his locker.
   
Chan wanted to leave as soon as possible and go eat with Khem and Sook. His cousin was by Dee's locker, chatting it up while he got dressed. Chan dressed in a flash and tossed his dirty clothes into a bag, throwing it over his shoulder. He was securing his lock when someone grabbed his hand.
   
Chan turned to find Sinn, with a worried look. “What happened?”
   
The boy was startled. He thought Sinn would simply leave with his family. “Nothing, I’m just tired.” Chan's weak smile proved himself wrong.
   
Sinn knew better, but he didn’t want to pressure Chan. He figured it had to do with Mong and Han. Mainly Han. Sinn didn’t know Han would show up to the game, and it must’ve upset the boy.
   
“Chan…”
   
“You should go, I think Dee is waiting for you.” Chan smiled like he normally did, except this time it was half-forced. He loved Sinn, he just wasn’t in a good mood.
   
Sinn didn’t want to leave, not like that, but the teammates were already almost all gone and Dee was by the door talking to Sook while waiting.
   
Chan sensed the inner conflict and pushed Sinn towards the door. “Go, go eat with your family. I’ll see you later. I promise.”
   
Sinn caught up with Dee and left the boy with Sook. The cousins watched as Dee and Sinn made their way to Aawut and Kaew. Chan hid behind the door when he caught a glimpse of Mong meeting up with them, but Sook continued to watch.
   
Sook watched Dee as his father pushed him towards the pretty girl who was Chan's sister. *She must be Lee.* Sook thought she was pretty, but he had nothing to worry about. A piece of him, however, was feeling empty. He was in Dee's heart, that’s all that mattered. That’s what he told himself to feel better, at least.