Feel Something (BounPrem FF)

Chapter 39: Forgive

Chan stayed home again on Tuesday. Surely two days off from school wouldn’t hurt him. Khem retrieved his work from Sook, so Chan completed it all the first half of the day.
   
As soon as he was done with his work he took the bus to the nursing home. Gia was glad he came to volunteer randomly, and welcomed him to do some gardening. He only requested that Fah be able to come out with him.
   
Under a large tree Fah sat and looked around the garden, admiring the beauty. Chan redid some of the brickwork that lined the flowers and occasionally glanced over at the woman who was in awe. She looked as if she were seeing everything for the first time, and it made her so happy.
   
“Fah. Tell me how you and Sud met.”
   
She instantly smiled and picked a nearby flower to hold. “My Sud was smart. Wise beyond his years, but not good with people. We met in high school. He was broody and didn’t like to talk to anyone.” She smiled at the memory.

*Funny. I know someone similar.* Chan thought.
   
“That was…until I came into his life. He had no choice. I wouldn’t give up without a fight.”
   
“He didn’t like you at first? Was he blind?” Chan joked, making Fah laugh.
   
“My thoughts exactly! One day he said hurtful things to me, and I stormed off without a word. Me? Not have a comeback? He was scared.”
   
“As he should’ve been…,” Chan added.
   
“He came to apologize, but I already made up my mind to forgive him.”
   
“You forgave him without an apology?” Chan saw her smiling, staring off into the distance.
   
“I loved him too much. I told him that I would always understand him if he just let me listen.”
   
“And what happened next?”
   
“Sud's parents were in the mafia. He didn’t want to show me because he was ashamed. As a man, his instinct was to push me and his feelings away.”
   
“He was protecting you?”
   
“Mmm…and I told him I was a strong, independent woman. I didn’t need protecting, but I understood his sentiment. It meant the world to me, because he cared that much about me.”
   
Fah's story reminded him Sinn pushing him away, everything. So, what if Sinn was only trying to protect Chan?
   
“What was it like being married to Sud?” Chan's curiosity took over. He liked the way Fah spoke about Sud. It gave him a bittersweet feeling.
   
“He was stubborn, but I ran things in the house. I think he let me because he secretly liked to be taken care of. He would never admit to that, though.”
   
Everything she said reminded him of Sinn. Chan was beginning to miss him again. He wwas starting to reopen the wound.
   
Fah's story inspired Chan to take control of his life.
   
He wanted to apologize to Sinn, and do the best he could. He wanted to calm down and just listen. But first, he had to face his own problems. Chan had to face them at the root.
 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
 

That evening, Chan found himself in a fancy neighborhood that he’d never been to before. He had never even seen a home like this in person. How would he know if they were real?
   
He pressed the doorbell and waited nervously for someone to answer the door.
   
When it finally did, he was face to face with the person he went to see.
   
Mong stood at the door in disbelief. “Chan?”
   
The man and his son walked down the street in silence. Mong's family was inside the house, and Chan didn’t feel like sharing his feelings with all of them, too.
   
“Where have you been the past 8 years?” To Chan, it was as if Mong fell off the face of the Earth with no warning and no goodbyes.
  
“Here. In Bangkok.” In Bangkok. With his new family. With a better life than he ever could’ve had.
   
All of Chan's feelings began to rise up to his chest until he decided to let them all out. “I need you to listen to me.” He stopped walking and Mong turned to face him.
   
“I'm listening.” He needed to listen. He hadn’t been present in Chan's life enough to do so. He wanted to hear any and everything the boy had to say.
   
“I loved you unconditionally, like I was supposed to.” A lump formed in the boy’s throat, but he continued. “I was a good kid, and I didn’t cause a lot of trouble. I’ve made good grades all my life, even if it doesn’t come easily. I have tons of friends back home and now here. I became so good at football that I got a scholarship. I really love to play. I graduated high school with honors, and I plan to do the same here.” He smiled weakly, trying not to cry.
   
But Chan's eyes began to swell as he spoke. Mong simply listened. He didn’t feel like he had the right to speak just yet.
   
“My Pho is proud of me. I know Mae is. I’m proud of myself.” Chan clenched his jaw as his sight became blurry. The tears were ready to pour at any second. “So why was I never good enough for you?”
   
Streams of tears fell from the corners of his eyes. Tears from years before that had been waiting to be set free.
   
“You are good enough. You’re too good for me.” Mong's eyes became watery, and he had to take his reading glasses off to wipe them. “I’ve been selfish.” He took a deep breath as he thought of Chan and his mother. “I let my in-laws dictate my life from the time I came to them. Up until now, I didn’t think I had a choice but to listen to them. I recently realized how foolish I've been to let them control me. You and Mali…didn't deserve what happened. I was too young and dumb to take responsibility for all of my actions.”
   
“Mae forgave you. After you left, she forgave you for herself.” Chan remembered her telling him about that when he was mad at Mong in his early teenage years. She tried her best to keep Chan a happy child and tried to teach him how to heal.
   
Mong didn’t know how to react. Hearing that she forgave him only made him frown and cry even more. “I loved her. I really did. She deserved better than I could ever be. My life…I messed it up on my own. Even though I dragged you two into my mess I wanted to fix it, or try.”
   
“Is that why you sent money all these years? Instead of answering my calls or wanting to talk, you sent money?”
   
“I wanted to make it up to you in some way. I couldn’t face you two after everything.”
   
“Your money helped my parents. It helped Pho, and it helped me, so I appreciate it. Money isn’t everything, though. I would’ve rather had you want to talk to me. I would’ve done anything for you to just acknowledge me again.”
   
Mong was holding back his crying since they were out in the street, but Chan could see the strain in Mong’s face. Chan's face was wet and pained, his nose red and eyes puffy.
   
“I needed you.” Chan had to gulp to swallow any loud cries that tried to escape. “After Mae died, I just wanted you to tell me you would still be there for me. Pho picked up every piece of me every single day while he was also falling apart.” Chan couldn’t hold back much anymore. His frustration was coming out. He had to tell Mong his true feelings, and didn’t want to sugar-coat it.
   
“This confidence people see? It’s fake. I never felt good enough to be your son. It made me want to be the best at everything, because if I was the best at everything maybe you’d come back. Maybe, just maybe, I could fool myself. I tried, so that I could feel something, but it never helped.  A part of me has always felt less-than, because I knew you chose your other family over me.” Chan's voice cracked at the end, finally getting everything out. It felt so relieving, and so therapeutic to stand there and let himself cry.
   
Mong cried, because he would never truly know how Chan felt, but felt bad for causing so much pain. “At the time, I believed you both would be better off without me. I wanted you two to be happy, and I could provide from a distance. I never meant to cause you so much hurt. I thought once Khem came into the picture you would forget about me, and I could watch you grow up happy.”
    “Whatever happened with you and Mae, it didn’t matter anymore. You were such a big part of my life, and you disappeared. You were a father to me, just like Khem. Fathers make mistakes sometimes, and disappoint their loved ones sometimes, or make you sad sometimes. But I would’ve rather had the ‘sometimes’ than that money to replace you.”
   
“I'm sorry…” Mong had thought of those words everyday. “I wish I could tell your mother how sorry I am for everything, but I can still tell you. I wish I could do things different, and be there for you when you needed me the most. I’m sorry for being so selfish and only thinking of my feelings.” His apology made them both cry harder, as their emotions were peaking. “I'm so proud of you and who you’ve become. You’re better than I could’ve imagined. Better than I could ever be.”
   
Chan dropped his head and cried into his hands. He had waited years to hear those words from Mong, and he didn’t expect to feel this way when he finally did. Mong walked over to his son and hugged him.
   
Chan hugged Mong back and cried into his shoulder. “I don’t want you to leave again.”
   
To Mong, those were the best words he could’ve heard from Chan. To know he was still loved by the son he hurt. “I won’t go anywhere anymore. I’m right here.”
   
They stayed this way for a while, because that was the least they could do for a lifetime of missed hugs.
 
   
After things had settled down, the two were sitting on the curb next to each other. They sniffled and let their tears dry as time passed.
   
“I'm glad you told me how you were feeling.”
   
“I did it because I realized I was jeopardizing my life. I even fucked up my relationship.”
   
“With Sinn?”
   
“You knew?” Chan was somewhat shocked.
   
“He told me.”
   
“Really? We’ve been keeping it a secret from…” He couldn’t bring himself to say the man's name. Just thinking of Aawut made Chan sick. He knew—or thought he knew what was going on and he hated the bastard for it.
   
“Aawut? Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”
   
“If I don’t fix things, there won’t be anything to tell…”