Chaotically Organized

Triggered

"I want you to write it all down,
Remember it all,
Force it into your head
Until finally it triggers.
Triggers that you are worth so much more.
Triggers the emotions instead of being so numb.
I want you to finally be triggered and not take another second of the bullshit you're being put through"

I didn't understand what you meant,
Triggered? Triggered how?
How could I somehow just switch in my head and heart that he means nothing?
How was that even possible? And what would finally do that for me?

For years, six to be exact, I spent tearing myself apart, wondering where I went wrong, what I did wrong, why I wasn't worth anything, why I wasn't enough for him.
But finally, it triggered. I understand what it means now.
It means when you suddenly think of them, your inner voice literally laughs and just says... "no". Just like that, the thought is gone and your heart doesn't even skip a beat.
You sleep at night, you don't spend countless hours thinking over the memories and trying so hard to keep from crying. You sleep and you sleep soundlessly and without that emptiness you felt when you slept beside them.
You smile and laugh during the day. You're no longer feeling guilty about feeling good, you're in the moment instead of stuck in your head deep in the past.
You can say their name or talk about why you aren't together, and it's not with anger or sadness. It's with a firm and mature answer that just states exactly what ended it. It's not going on and on about how they did you wrong.
You don't spend hours questioning yourself. You don't question your worth or where you went wrong. You are confident and know that your boundaries are reasonable. You know that you have so much to offer and someone is going to love every single part of you.

I know what you meant now, and a part of me is angry that I couldn't have been triggered so long ago. But in the end, I am so happy that I will never allow myself to go through the things I have before.
I am worth it.