Chaotically Organized

Maybe

October 2020

"I still love and miss you and I hope you know that Karlee!!"

My heart aches in the worst of ways.

 I have to remind myself of who you really are 

and just how sweet you can be when your plans don't work out. 

How your words are empty

meaningless

full of lies.

I can still picture your smile in my mind

How every sweet saying came from your mouth

You were someone I once adored

Who I smiled at in a certain way that was specific to you

I can remember one day like it was just yesterday,

We had gone out for food a few blocks from our house

A place where we loved the burger and fries

I can picture the street in my mind

Sitting at the window seats, the gloomy Calgary weather sweeping

the downtown McKenzie Towne streets.

You were getting our drinks as I was deep in my head

Thinking of how far we had come, hours from our shitty small home town,

trying our hardest to make a life for ourselves.

You sat down beside me and I remember the way my head tilted

in your direction and the sweet smile that graced my lips.

You had smiled back in the way that you do 

and just for that moment,

We weren't struggling in ways that people didn't know

We weren't spewing names in each others directions, trying to win some stupid argument

We weren't ignoring the love that we had for the other

We weren't picking our lives apart until it felt empty.

We were just us, no past problems eating us alive, basking in the enjoyment that was

Us. 

Sometimes I wonder if we had just taken a step back,

remembered the times like that where were weren't at each others necks.

Maybe, just maybe,

We would've had more compassion for each other. 

I wouldn't have been so negative and harsh

and maybe you wouldn't have decided to be disloyal and dishonest.

Maybe.