Chaotically Organized

Darkness

Sometimes things feel so suffocating. I don't know if it's the fact that I hold too much in or I force myself to be okay, but sometimes it's like I just suddenly can't breathe anymore. Like every little thing is going to knock me over and send me spiralling out of control. I hate it. I hate acknowledging just how much of me is still fragile, how much still needs to be healed. Time, it takes time I'm told, but sometimes I'm so angry that it takes this long. I want to be completely okay, confident in myself, non-toxic in every way.
It takes time and effort. Sometimes I just feel like I don't have any of that anymore.
I am so used to the pain, uncertainty, jealousy, toxicity, a part of me craves it. Like an addiction I shouldn't and don't want yet it consumes me. Sinking it's claws in deep whenever it has the chance. One moment of being weak, of hesitating and it leaps. I hate it all.
When the doubt creates cracks and it's like I can't stop myself. Maybe I'm still more broken than I've ever realized. Maybe I'll never be okay ever again in my life. Like I'm doomed to live this way.
I hate this part of me. I loathe her. She jeopardizes everything for nothing. A complete fool with clumsy hands and a care free attitude about everything around her, including her own heart and self. I loathe her. I want to scream in her face to go away, to never come back, this isn't her home anymore.
I just want to be okay.