Chaotically Organized

I'll Survive, One Way or Another

January 13, 2024

December 2, 2023;
"Karlee
I wanted to take a moment to express my feelings and apologize for how things have been going between us lately. I know that we've both been hurt, and I want you to know that I acknowledge my part in that. I know we've had our fair share of ups and downs over the year and I want to take this opportunity to say that I'm truly sorry for any pain I may have caused you.

But despite the pain, I still believe in us. I always have, I never wrote off the last two weeks you were here, they were critical. I just totally shut down which was the wrong way to handle things. I believe in the love we share and the life we can build together. I want to make things work and grow stronger as a couple. I'm willing to put in the effort and work through our challenges because you mean the world to me. You know, relationships can be tough sometimes, and we've definitely had our share of challenges. But through it all, I want you to know that my love for you is still just as strong. I believe in us, and I believe that we can work through anything if we put our hearts into it together. Despite what you have done I still feel the same about you as I did April 4th at 10:30 when I first told you I loved you.. you are my person and I truly feel that

I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you, and I want you to know that I'm committed to making things better. Together, we can overcome any obstacles and create a brighter future. I want to make things right and move forward together. Let's have an open and honest conversation about our hopes, and our dreams, I have a good idea of your prospective and thoughts now.. I want to understand your perspective better however find ways to make our relationship even better than before

I love you more than words can express, and I hope we can find a way to heal and move forward. Please know that I'm here for you, and I'm ready to do what it may take to make things work for us. You're such an important part of my life, and I can't imagine my future without you. So, let's work through this together and create a stronger, more loving bond. I'm here for you, and I'm committed to making things work when your ready"

I feel like I'm choking on my own heart, it's pain radiating across my body in ways I don't appreciate as I highlight words that were lies. Needing to write down every single thought or feeling, desperate to release the pain bundled up within me.
I do such a good job of shoving it all down, like I always have my entire life. Pretending things didn't happen, making my brain cast shadows across things I don't wish to remember fully, convincing myself my life is different than it is.
I spend time telling myself I deserved the treatment I received; I'm a shit human, deceiving, broken, insecure, and not loyal. I wreck havoc on people who don't deserve it, therefore I deserve hell.
Other days I can feel the anger pulsing under my skin; knowing I've owned up to things that made me sick, I was transparent with every single person in my life about what I had done, I put my time and effort into things that I was told to let go of, I pushed myself to fall into the words that were said to me. To free fall like I couldn't before, because it was required in order to save a relationship that was beyond shattered. Something I never allowed myself to do, told myself everyone was going to end up hurting me, so why do it.
The anger eats me alive when I realize I did it; I fell hard, I believed every single lie, I let myself be manipulated, I lapped up the bullshit love that was spewed at me, and just like that. It crumbled beneath me while I least expected it.
My negative mind was right, but I muted it because I needed us to be real, to somehow survive the carnage I created. Hopeless to the pain that struck across every single one of my nerve endings as my world fell apart. No bubble wrap prepared around my heart, no tough skin made to withstand the brutal words thrown.
The odd day, my body aches with the sadness and heartbreak that exists hidden away. The exhaustion that seeps from every pore in my body from trying to pretend, to heal, to accept things as they are. The tears shed in private as I can't be strong for those few minutes, the anxiety causing such a coldness in my bones.
The loneliness, as I'm left to pick up my pieces in the darkness with barely anyone knowing what had truly happened to me. Keeping secrets to save the person I love from the negatively that will come, from the battle of the ones I love trying to get me to see reason.
The refusal to believe I haven't gotten far from the girl that existed just a year or two ago; broken and beaten, wondering if life was worth it.
The hatred that sucks the breath from my lungs when I think back, find messages written to me like the one attached, evidence of promises that were made. All the while he was deceiving me, dealing back the pain I threw, ensuring I knew exactly what things got to feel like for him.
I know he battles with these things towards me every day, but my god, did I ever believe he was some better person than me. Maybe that was my flaw, choosing to believe just because of his age, experiences, and words, that he was superior. How silly of me, to allow my stupid heart to choose to believe in such a thing. It broke me, utterly and completely broke me. In my path of trying to be better, of falling into the love I wanted, of throwing all my warnings aside, I was left vulnerable to the pain so easily dealt to me.
It's one of those days where I can barely contain the heartbreak, the anger, the anxiety, and the ever spiralling thoughts that steal every string of peace from my soul. All of the things I have to battle, as I'm still so consumed in loving him, hoping to God that it'll somehow be worth it in the end.
I'll survive, one way or another.