Chaotically Organized

It Was Never Real

September 2nd, 2024

Every moment my heart soared by the wonderful things you said and did for me, it was a lie.
Every time your words soothed my fears, reassured me, it was a lie.
Every second that I was falling in love with you, it was a lie.
Every part of you that I fell in love with, it was a lie.

When you told me I had come into your life unexpectedly and made you fall in love, it was a lie.
When you told me you wanted me to be at your home all the time, it was a lie.
When you declared that it would just be you and I against world, before even asking me to be yours, it was a lie.
When you informed me that this was my home, it was a lie.
When you brushed my hair away from my face and I was to be yours, heart, body, and soul, it was a lie.
When we laid in your bed, face to face, noses brushing, and you whispered the best words I had ever heard, it was a lie.
When I came to visit and there was a cute sign waiting for me all hung up, it was a lie.
When you texted me all the right things when we were apart those first few months, it was a lie.
When you introduced me to your family here within the first few weeks, telling me you had never done this, but I had awoken your heart, it was a lie.
When we took the steps of meeting each other's parents, it was a lie.
When I would rip apart my bag when I got home, to find the note you left and the gifts, it was a lie.
When I cried in my bed after you would leave my place or I would leave yours, it was a lie.
When you would spontaneously take photos of us together and I loved them, it was a lie.
When we spent all that time speaking about our fears from the past, what we really wanted, how much we felt like we understood each other like nobody else had ever before, it was a lie.
When we talked, we dreamed, we declared our love, it was a lie.

It was all a lie.

The moments that made my heart open up to you, the My Hearts Love Letter to You, the falling in love with you, was built on lies.
I built my world on a lie and when I had to mourn the damaged I had done, the love I adored, I was mourning over a love that wasn't real. It was a dream you helped me make in my head and my heart, that had never been what I thought it was. Every day that I've gazed into your eyes, told you how much I love you, gripped your hands as tight as I could, gave you every ounce of support I could possibly give after a long hard day, hugged you as if holding you would keep my world together, left my comfort behind and created a home for us, spread my love for you to see in every spot, met you at the door every single day after work with my grabby hands that you loved so much, made memories with you that would stay with me every single day of my life, let you wash away my worries and my fears, it was never the truth.
You let me believe in our love for a year and a half, that was never real.
It was never real.