Chaotically Organized

Feel Alone

My brain bounces back and forth, trying to justify you to myself. As if somehow I can believe everything you said, allow it to just be because of me. That the only flaws that exist are mine and mine alone, nothing more, nothing less. 

It hurts, more than I thought this was ever going to. The uncertainty, the anxiety, the sadness. Trying to weigh if the pain of losing every piece of myself is worth the little tiny bite size pieces you give me to cling onto. So sweet, so easily to crave more. 

Unable to fully talk to the people I trust except for one, who agrees that I've done beyond wrong, but this is turning down a road that isn't right. Keeping more and more secrets, having no ability to discuss situations, because in the end I am trying to save you. 

Digging deep into the only sources I have, trying to figure out what's wrong. Is it me? Is it fully me? Is it you? Are you refusing to acknowledge yourself? Are you dooming us? 

The moment I feel like I have something concrete, that I relate to, that I strongly feel to. I bring it up to you, maybe not in the best ways, but I need someone to stop, pause, and realize what they are doing to me too. I need someone to grow and heal too, not just ignore the parts of themselves they don't wish to see.

Thinking of being in limbo, of even speaking to you, makes my stomach roll and like I am going to puke. The tears no longer stop on my command, I am bleeding in front of you and all you do is throw a small band aid in hopes I'll just figure it out myself. 

I crave you, I admire you, I love you, but in the moments where you become stone, where I feel pounded into the ground, and like I am truly in this all alone... I can't stand to let my eyes look at you, it hurts to much to know who you were and who you are now to me. 

I have no one else to blame except for me, I did this, but I need to remember that you allowed me back into your life. You gave me the chance to make things right and you made a choice on your own, to hurt me too. If I am not enough, if I am truly so terrible for you, then don't give me the idea that you are going to be my person. 

Falsifying that you will stand by me while I go through my ups and downs. Refusing to see that I strive every single moment of every day to be the girl you originally thought I was, the girl I absolutely want to be. I am on the road to being her, I just grow distant and sad when my environment causes me terror. 

That's my flaw, my true flaw, I grow cold and distant because I am scared of the power you have over my heart. Look at where I am, look at how much I am hurting, I have already given you so much power over me. I wanted to give you that power, I wanted you to know that I was saying 'fuck I want this' and throwing myself in. Why can't I have a hiccup? I can't fix something I've done my entire life within two months. 

Especially not when my partner decides to challenge me in ways that I truthfully don't see as right. It shows me patterns, emotions, and things that tell me to guard myself because I am alone in this supposed love and trust journey. 

I am so incredibly lost and so incredibly hurt. Maybe I am dreaming of a version of you that will never be, clinging to a dream that will never come to fruition. But  maybe after all, I am close to that loving dream and I just don't know that yet...

Fuck me, I wish you would look me in the eye and help me to fix all of this, to move forward as one, to build what has been broken between us, or to let this go and stop the pain that is being dealt. I cannot feel alone in this anymore.